Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Mama, You really boosted my mood today. Just the idea of "strutting" anywhere really made me laugh, considering how I have been the past few days. And it has been PMS, at least in part - I'm not sure how life can be so challenging as to give me a unexpected and ridiculously short 18 day cycle, but oh well! Anyway, I am a lot less weepy this afternoon than I was yesterday and this morning, so that is good. I managed to get a few things accomplished today to take care of myself. I ordered caller ID on the home phone so I could tell if it is H calling and decide if I want to talk to him or not when that happens. I have been thinking that would help me set boundaries, and I am already really happy I did that. I also made an appointment with my doctor for a physical, as I want to make sure that everything is really OK since it has been a very stressful year. I think I am in better shape than ever physically. But the stress does take it's toll, so I will get that next month and I am glad. I also ordered the birthday cakes for my D25 (today is her birthday!!). I am so proud to be her mama. We had a little breakdown in communication yesterday too, and that had me sad also. Today we are better. This weekend is her party and a bunch of her friends are coming. I was trying not to stress but I did not have enough information to plan, and I was feeling quite overwhelmed at the idea of a large crowd coming, with no H to BBQ, clear the patios and help as he always did. But it will be fine, and D and I are back in communication, helpers are in place, and it will be good for me to be around all that youthful fun and loving energy.

I was sad today thinking it is likely that H forgot D's birthday. I am always the planner. Of course maybe he didn't forget. But it feels like the whole family has fallen off his radar, not just me. D has already stated she believes H has abandoned his S12 in Germany so of course she will be abandoned by him too if he can do that to "his own son". I think both D and foster D have had no decent father figures, and the sitch with H right now has been a significant blow to both of them in terms of men and trust. They were to the point just this past Christmas of calling him "papa" and now they are saying the relationship with him is unimportant unless I work it out. So they have pulled WAY back. They are clear they will have nothing to do with him if the M does not remain for H & I. And I guess that just has to be OK. They do count on me, and we are close and have always been healthy together, and I love them alot.

Today, H's US passport and Certificate of Naturalization arrived. It is official, H is now a US citizen. Normally, this is the kind of "important" mail arriving that I call him about. However, I'm not going to. It will be here when he comes around again, or perhaps I will text him so we don't have to chat. Right now, I am still regaining my balance. I do not need or want to hear his voice. Besides I am present to the fact that in two days it will be 1 year since H began his cheating lying spree with OW, and I am not going to step near that, unless of course H contacts me for something in which case I will of course be kind and civil.

Trust issues are up really big for me today. I know none of my suspicions have any validity. But I hate the thought (or the thought others might have) that H stayed married to me for the citizenship. It's not true. He could have left me long before, and still had it - only M of 3 years is required. But is is hard to see the big all capitals "MARRIED" on his certificate and to see the unhappy somewhat lost deer-in-the-headlights photos (so unlike how H looked 2 years ago). He looks like a criminal, kinda scary. Not my H. Handsome, but hard, steel eyes. I wonder that H can not see the change that is so obvious to me and others. I do think this is reverting back to another time. I think H was truly happy with me for a good 5 years. And now he is "back" to a familiar place he knows that I don't. That is probably the thing that worries me the most. I worry that I don't really know who he is. Will he be so comfortable because it is familiar, that he will never come back? Was it all a happy illusion?

I discovered that H was looking at our wedding photos on our anniversary before we left on our little trip together (on his computer). It seems odd that he reminisces sometimes, then is so adamant about going forward with his pursuit of OW at other times. When he is romantic and nostalgic, that H I love.

Mama, you inspired me today. I read your sitch, and always think you have the patience of a saint. I do not know if I could live with H and DB while he was pursuing an active A, but I don't think so. I am having enough trouble as it is. I think the saving grace in your sitch is your children, though. I often think having kids helps bring families together. In my opinion, it is hard to be grumpy or preoccupied around kids, because they are so much fun and so present!!! Anyway, my H will have to decide I am enough to bank on since my kids are grown and pretty detached now, as I mentioned. Even though he used to say he loved them very much. H seems so far away from me and all of us. What a huge gap that seems to be. And me such an idealistic romantic. I have more praying to do.

Thanks for hanging with me mama. You helped me alot today. You are right. Why give up? It's not like it would help. Distancing a bit might help. But I remember now - NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP. No matter how dark it gets, no matter how bad it looks. I can do this. Ha!