Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Mama, You are the sweetest thing! I was so happy to see you post to me. And you are a wise woman too. It always surprises me when you say you don't have much of an education, because you are a really smart woman who definitely knows what's going on.

I had a C once who said I had a type A personality with a lot of type B tendencies in place (that was a compliment ). I always thought that was very funny, as I am definitely a "doer" and a "fixer" and have received a lot of praise in my life for being the one with the answers. BTW, my H had a hard time with this, and I had a hard time that he never came to me for the answers. I remember one time I talked to him about something and he wouldn't take my word for it until he called his mother that night to ask her. That was hard on me as the new bride - I was his wife! Guess what, she confirmed me. She's a very smart lady too LOL

My type B tendencies allow me to enjoy life and relax and achieve balance - work hard, play hard, relax and pamper But H definitely has always moved at a slower pace than me, and also slept 2 - 4 hours a day more than me most days while we were married. On weekends, I learned to get out of bed while H was sleeping, and then come back to bed a few hours later when he was getting closer to waking up. Otherwise I would have worn him out. I miss those days.

I had a very weepy day today. Believing that there is nothing for me to do in this sitch is swallowing the poison of resignation. And I was very very close to giving up today. This was not because of what you said, it was my own feelings of helplessness. Of course there are things I can do, for me, and I will continue to do so. But I want my marriage and my husband. The text message I received from H which was intended for OW hooked me big time today. It didn't bother me yesterday, but today I really really hurt. The pet name he used in the text messages was a pet name I gave him in German. The names he was using are a playful combination of their names+ "frau" and "mann" which are woman and man in German, but also used to mean husband and wife. I remember so clearly the conversations with my H about this when I was first learning about German and his culture. I was so proud that I was the only one that could rightfully be called his "frau" and he "mein mann" (my husband). How screwed up is it that they are married to other people and they are calling each other husband and wife, like a game. This was so hurtful to me today, remembering our past conversations as newlyweds together, happy and in love, I could not bear it. Realizing how twisted my H is right now, and this additional evidence that he is trying to replace me with her in his speaking, really hurt. I remember when I first saw OW's photo, that I thought she looked like a "plainer" version of me. It was weird. I thought he would have picked something really different. I remember feeling like he was looking for me, and got it all confused. It still feels that way to me. She feels like a shadow/shell standing in my H's life, and he thinks it's me. I had a recurring nightmare when I was a little girl about my grandmother, anf this "ghost" grandma who looked like her but was really a ghost/transparent shadow of her and she was really evil. My grandma was sweet and good, and the "ghost" grandma was cruel and frightening and sometimes I would mistake them and then I was really afraid. The existence of OW feels like that nightmare, relived. I would like to give it no energy. But my H is mesmerized and I am frightened about that these days. I am afraid. I am praying and crying and praying some more. I will try not to think about it again. It is like saying "don't think about an elephant" and then you know what everyone thinks of as soon as you say that...

Last night when I prayed, I got a message. Like a whole dialogue coming into my head and later out my lips:

Do not be afraid. I am with you. I will not forsake you. Healing is coming. You must be patient. Believe in me and know that I am God. I will not forsake you. Trust in me, and all is well. Be at peace. Be still and know that I am God. I will not forsake you.

Over and over like that, until I quietened down. This was not me speaking it. It was coming from inside of me, and coming out from me.

You must understand that I have not had spiritual experiences like these until recently. I consider myself a spiritual person, but I would not say actively practicing like now. However lately, I have been praying a lot, and I am hearing and seeing things. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, or at least people will think so if I tell them these things. But so far I am not crazy. I am just missing my H and my best friend. And I've never had to "turn it over" like this before.

It is hard to be patient. I do not know if I am PMSing or just letting go, but I think of H and the tears come. At least 25 times today. They are that close to the surface.

Today I decided I can not see H until he stops seeing OW. Between the hotel, cuddling, champagne and chocolates in bed on our anniversary last week with the "I am happy with OW speech" the next morning, and then the text message slip yesterday, I am a mess. Too many times in a row seeing H, I have been hurt and it has set me back days. I think I can't see or talk to H any more than is required to manage finances and repairs until OW is gone from his world. I just can't do it any more. It hurts too much. I was thinking all day that I wanted to tell H this. I have not ever told H (not once) how hurt I am by what has happened. Of course, to DB, I do not need to tell H, I just need to take an action. But, I get messed up, because speaking is how I process and grow. And if I say something, I keep my word. So I realized that I have "tried" to go dark a few times without success, because I never said "I can't be around you right now, because it hurts me too much knowing you are thinking about someone else" However, I never said that before because I didn't mean it before. I was trying to go dark to get H to move towards me. NOW, I know I don't want to see H much. It really does hurt me too much. It is getting in the way of my improvements and my progress.

What I have not decided about, is whether I will write to his folks or not. I am definitely going to write the letter to his S12 about missing him and asking him to consider talking to his dad again and telling him what ever he needs to say. Chuck the DB coach said that would be really good to do. But the letter I want to write to his folks would be letting them know what is going on, how much I love H, and why I am backing away right now, and that I love them and how much I love being a family with them. I told H 2 months ago that if he wasn't coming home, I thought they had a right to know, and he agreed with me at the time, but then he was saying that he was still considering coming home. H is still lying to them about what is going on. It is not my job to tell H's truth to them. But I do love them and I want them to know what has happened to us. They are so far away, and they will continue to worry and wonder why H and I are apart. This makes me sad.

I have also considered calling and having a conversation with OW (which would require a German speaker to speak for me - so complicated). I know this would not be good DB form at all. But, I would like her to hear how much I love my H, and for her to hear how she is affecting our family. But I doubt I would do this. It would likely backfire. I just want the lights on though, you know. Turn the lights on what is happening, get it out in the open for all to see. I am tired of the shadows and ghosts. I am tired of the fantasies and the nightmares.

Mama (and others for that matter) please never worry about saying what's on your mind with me. Mamabear, I think you are one of the most patient, compassionate people I have ever known. I learn from you all the time. And you were right today too. I am spinning around trying to figure out what to do. I am just so damned uncomfortable. I guess I will sleep on it. One more day.

Even though I have been very weepy, I did manage to get a few things done tonight, and stay away from obsessively reading the boards. I guess that's a step, anyway.