Thanks for writing to me. Tonight's latest thought about what to do with the text message: Forward it to OW with a message from me, "H was trying to send this to you. He must have us confused." Since H & OW don't know I have her phone numbers, that was a fun fantasy, give them something to freak about together. However, after I thought about it, I got afraid. Pictured H raging over here, taking away all his stuff, yelling, whatever. He probably wouldn't do that, but it would be a provocation. So I won't do that. I have no interest in provoking H's fear and protectiveness of OW. But just for a moment, I wanted them to squirm. Sometimes I think a properly timed confrontation would really break some ice. But it would also have to be respectful, for my integrity to be intact and for it to have any value. I have not had much success with that yet. Mostly I think I am superior to H right now - I can see what he can't see. Guess that won't help
Keep telling me I can do this DBing thing. I keep forgetting. I am giving H way too much time, effort and energy. I need to refocus on myself. Easier said than done sometimes.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I am always so happy to hear from you. I understand tired and weary. I am wearing myself out. I am spending way too much time thinking about my sitch, agonizing about the various possibilities and scenarios for each situation that comes up. It's exhausting. I am getting behind in other important life tasks, which is how I know I am over the edge on that. All I want to do is write on this board, solve this "problem", "fix" this R. I am preoccupied, distracted.
Regarding the wedding ring, yes H picked it up from the jeweler, and he has it on. He was very pleased that they polished it, and that it looked so good, and showed it to me right afterwards when we had dinner about a month back. He works with his hands, so it will not take long for it to get scratched up again. It was interesting to me, when H was married the first time, he told me he never wore his wedding ring - he didn't like to wear it, it always bothered him he said, and his excuse to his ex-W was that it was dangerous for his work. It was an unhappy, loveless marriage according to H which was legal but not spiritual or close or connected, and I have always accepted H's explanation of these things. However, when he married me, he said he loved his wedding ring, and he has always worn it. He says it does not bother him as he thought it would, and he wears it even at work - in fact the reason it was at the jewelers was because he smashed his hand under some boards, and he said the ring "saved his finger" although the ring was smashed so badly it was an elipse and they had to cut it off and then repair it. Anyway, I choose to see these things as symbolic, the ring a symbol of protection and love and commitment, and it gives me hope and strength to know that H still chooses to wear it.
OK, here's my "slimy" part about the rings though (my part) which came up today, interestingly enough. I am feeling weary, as I said. Tired of feeling unappreciated. Tired of H broadcasting his "love" for OW in my face. Tired of being invisible to the man I love and committed my life to. Tired of being non-exixtent on his list of priorities. All that. So today, I was out to lunch at my favorite mexican restaurant, sitting at the counter. Very homey, friendly, casual place. Met a guy at the counter, and I chatted with him, and I was looking very cute today in my size 8 pants and new very youthful and (dare I say it?) sexy top. I noticed at one point that I did not want him to see my wedding rings. I actually covered my hand with my other hand while I was talking to him. I thought about what it would be like to go out without them on. Had the thought that if this stranger asked me out I would go. A film-maker, like my daughter, lives in town, handsome, interesting, you know. He gave me eye contact and waved as he left. No doubt I was on the edge of playing with fire.
So my "love tank" with H is empty. No matter how bad it was at any time for us in the past (which honestly wasn't very often for me), it never ever occured to me to be with another. Ever. He is the love of my life. So, I really am scared now.
So I can not even begin to tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you keep coming back for me. I really feel like I need the support right now. I am truly questioning if anything I do will make a difference for my M. I feel like I can't move on with my life without moving the vestiges of H out. And I feel like if I do that, I am closing the door. Limbo and MLC sucks. That's all I have to say about that. I feel trapped and stuck. And my fantasies are beginning to happen. Even in my dreams.
In the hope and prayer that this too shall pass, I commit to one more day. I guess I am weary, but not weary enough. Have you ever heard this quote:
When wrestling a gorilla, you do not stop when you are tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.
One more day of gorilla wrestling, here I come. Thanks for coming to see me. Even your "sulky and irritable" days help me in realizing that like you, I will get through this
P.S. If you want to hit my H over the head with a 2 x 4, I am happy to tell you where his shop is. He has plenty of 2 x 4's right there and it might really help give his poor muddled brain a jump-start
PPS. Do you have a thread of your own, with your story? I have not been able to find one for you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PPPS. If you, lucyhelen, or any of my other friends and acquaintances here, think it is now time for ME to get the 2 x 4 treatment (like, am I missing something?), I am open to the blunt advice approach - feel free to post your thoughts.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hi PL, My advice would be this, should you take it; You seem to be obsessed with this board and finding a "solution". I myself feel this way too.
I gather that you are a "Type A, fixer" personality, as I am. This is something that we cannot fix and it is making us crazy. Right?
You seem to have a lot going for you in your life right now, try to refocus all of your energy there. BTW, I am really proud of your weight loss!! I too lost about 25 lbs., doesn't it feel fantastic? The attention from the guy at the mexican place was nice, felt good on your ego, just don't act on it (like our H's did).
Hi PL....it's totally normal to feel attracted to someone who is paying attention to you...I did the same thing. I met a guy when H was gone for 2 weeks (months ago) and we hung out a few times.....it was definately something that wuold have went further if I wasn't M and he wasn't a prince of a guy to not go there b/c I was M. But, i had thoughts in my head....bad thoughts....but you know, I'm human, I'm not dead. It just made me feel good to hang out with a man who told me that he had an amazing night with me. One that hung on the words I spoke, who seemed interested in me, not disgusted.
I thought about H...and realized that during our M, it's how he felt at times, which is why he lept to OW validations. He admitted that. It's human. It's horrible, wrong and all that, but still human (as my friend reminded me).
If nothing else, all of this mess has made me love and respect H in a very different way...not as my H and all that must come with that....but to see him as a human--with flaws and greatness.
PL, I came here to apologize to you. I feel that I was really harsh on you. You have been nothing but nice, encouraging and compassionate to me on my thread. I need to be your supporter, not someone to make you feel like sh*%. I am truely sorry for that.
We just have to realize that this is the ONE thing in our life that we have absolutely no control over and we cannot fix. We need to let go and let things happen on their own with us on the sidelines.
Hi Mama, You are the sweetest thing! I was so happy to see you post to me. And you are a wise woman too. It always surprises me when you say you don't have much of an education, because you are a really smart woman who definitely knows what's going on.
I had a C once who said I had a type A personality with a lot of type B tendencies in place (that was a compliment ). I always thought that was very funny, as I am definitely a "doer" and a "fixer" and have received a lot of praise in my life for being the one with the answers. BTW, my H had a hard time with this, and I had a hard time that he never came to me for the answers. I remember one time I talked to him about something and he wouldn't take my word for it until he called his mother that night to ask her. That was hard on me as the new bride - I was his wife! Guess what, she confirmed me. She's a very smart lady too LOL
My type B tendencies allow me to enjoy life and relax and achieve balance - work hard, play hard, relax and pamper But H definitely has always moved at a slower pace than me, and also slept 2 - 4 hours a day more than me most days while we were married. On weekends, I learned to get out of bed while H was sleeping, and then come back to bed a few hours later when he was getting closer to waking up. Otherwise I would have worn him out. I miss those days.
I had a very weepy day today. Believing that there is nothing for me to do in this sitch is swallowing the poison of resignation. And I was very very close to giving up today. This was not because of what you said, it was my own feelings of helplessness. Of course there are things I can do, for me, and I will continue to do so. But I want my marriage and my husband. The text message I received from H which was intended for OW hooked me big time today. It didn't bother me yesterday, but today I really really hurt. The pet name he used in the text messages was a pet name I gave him in German. The names he was using are a playful combination of their names+ "frau" and "mann" which are woman and man in German, but also used to mean husband and wife. I remember so clearly the conversations with my H about this when I was first learning about German and his culture. I was so proud that I was the only one that could rightfully be called his "frau" and he "mein mann" (my husband). How screwed up is it that they are married to other people and they are calling each other husband and wife, like a game. This was so hurtful to me today, remembering our past conversations as newlyweds together, happy and in love, I could not bear it. Realizing how twisted my H is right now, and this additional evidence that he is trying to replace me with her in his speaking, really hurt. I remember when I first saw OW's photo, that I thought she looked like a "plainer" version of me. It was weird. I thought he would have picked something really different. I remember feeling like he was looking for me, and got it all confused. It still feels that way to me. She feels like a shadow/shell standing in my H's life, and he thinks it's me. I had a recurring nightmare when I was a little girl about my grandmother, anf this "ghost" grandma who looked like her but was really a ghost/transparent shadow of her and she was really evil. My grandma was sweet and good, and the "ghost" grandma was cruel and frightening and sometimes I would mistake them and then I was really afraid. The existence of OW feels like that nightmare, relived. I would like to give it no energy. But my H is mesmerized and I am frightened about that these days. I am afraid. I am praying and crying and praying some more. I will try not to think about it again. It is like saying "don't think about an elephant" and then you know what everyone thinks of as soon as you say that...
Last night when I prayed, I got a message. Like a whole dialogue coming into my head and later out my lips:
Do not be afraid. I am with you. I will not forsake you. Healing is coming. You must be patient. Believe in me and know that I am God. I will not forsake you. Trust in me, and all is well. Be at peace. Be still and know that I am God. I will not forsake you.
Over and over like that, until I quietened down. This was not me speaking it. It was coming from inside of me, and coming out from me.
You must understand that I have not had spiritual experiences like these until recently. I consider myself a spiritual person, but I would not say actively practicing like now. However lately, I have been praying a lot, and I am hearing and seeing things. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy, or at least people will think so if I tell them these things. But so far I am not crazy. I am just missing my H and my best friend. And I've never had to "turn it over" like this before.
It is hard to be patient. I do not know if I am PMSing or just letting go, but I think of H and the tears come. At least 25 times today. They are that close to the surface.
Today I decided I can not see H until he stops seeing OW. Between the hotel, cuddling, champagne and chocolates in bed on our anniversary last week with the "I am happy with OW speech" the next morning, and then the text message slip yesterday, I am a mess. Too many times in a row seeing H, I have been hurt and it has set me back days. I think I can't see or talk to H any more than is required to manage finances and repairs until OW is gone from his world. I just can't do it any more. It hurts too much. I was thinking all day that I wanted to tell H this. I have not ever told H (not once) how hurt I am by what has happened. Of course, to DB, I do not need to tell H, I just need to take an action. But, I get messed up, because speaking is how I process and grow. And if I say something, I keep my word. So I realized that I have "tried" to go dark a few times without success, because I never said "I can't be around you right now, because it hurts me too much knowing you are thinking about someone else" However, I never said that before because I didn't mean it before. I was trying to go dark to get H to move towards me. NOW, I know I don't want to see H much. It really does hurt me too much. It is getting in the way of my improvements and my progress.
What I have not decided about, is whether I will write to his folks or not. I am definitely going to write the letter to his S12 about missing him and asking him to consider talking to his dad again and telling him what ever he needs to say. Chuck the DB coach said that would be really good to do. But the letter I want to write to his folks would be letting them know what is going on, how much I love H, and why I am backing away right now, and that I love them and how much I love being a family with them. I told H 2 months ago that if he wasn't coming home, I thought they had a right to know, and he agreed with me at the time, but then he was saying that he was still considering coming home. H is still lying to them about what is going on. It is not my job to tell H's truth to them. But I do love them and I want them to know what has happened to us. They are so far away, and they will continue to worry and wonder why H and I are apart. This makes me sad.
I have also considered calling and having a conversation with OW (which would require a German speaker to speak for me - so complicated). I know this would not be good DB form at all. But, I would like her to hear how much I love my H, and for her to hear how she is affecting our family. But I doubt I would do this. It would likely backfire. I just want the lights on though, you know. Turn the lights on what is happening, get it out in the open for all to see. I am tired of the shadows and ghosts. I am tired of the fantasies and the nightmares.
Mama (and others for that matter) please never worry about saying what's on your mind with me. Mamabear, I think you are one of the most patient, compassionate people I have ever known. I learn from you all the time. And you were right today too. I am spinning around trying to figure out what to do. I am just so damned uncomfortable. I guess I will sleep on it. One more day.
Even though I have been very weepy, I did manage to get a few things done tonight, and stay away from obsessively reading the boards. I guess that's a step, anyway.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Hi Always, Thanks for writing me. I have never stopped loving my H. I love his flat sides as well as the perfect parts. If he only knew. Sometimes loving H feels like my biggest problem. I feel like I should be able to turn it off when it is so unreciprocated right now. But instead, I love him more, watching him muddling through, trying to grow, trying to find happiness. I feel for him when he hurts. I have always loved this about H, he is a seeker, like me. I am not even mad about what has happened. I feel 100% improved in 8 months time - that is nothing to shake a stick at, right? It is my impatience that gets me frustrated. I can't believe it is taking so long. I better take up some more entertaining activities
OK, I just realized something I really don't like about my H and can't accept. I don't like it when he is dishonest. In the past he was dishonest about his feelings. And so I missed alot of important information that I needed to be a better wife for him. That sucks. I was not able to read his mind and figure it out on my own. Although honestly, when I put some focus on it as I have recently, I realized that I had not been listening to H's signals, which were not as verbal as mine. I missed that - he was trying to tell me some things. Just not in the language I was used to.
Regarding the dating thing, I don't know if I could do what you did. Maybe I could. But honestly, I am pretty sexually hungry right now and if I met a guy who wasn't a prince, I might be in trouble fast. And if I met a guy who was a prince (respectful and all) I might become infatuated and fall in love with that. I just don't feel trustworthy in that arena right now.
Heck, I'm in love with half the boys on this board, sight unseen It's kind of hard not to think GH, RB, PARob, JM and all those gems of men aren't just the hottest properties out there. Look out boys. So for now, I best just keep a safe distance. I think
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Morning PL, I sure hope you got some sleep last night - looks like you were up late posting.
You said you don't think you can go on - YES YOU CAN!!! How do you think giving up would improve your sitch?
You said you wanted to "turn the lights on" and tell everyone what is going on - DON'T DO IT! Especially not to H's parents. You said they were far away. This would only cause them great stress worrying about the two of you and not being able to help. Do not call the OW either, she does not deserve the time of day from you - now you may want to somehow let her H know what is happening although that would only backfire and your H would be really pissed at you for ruining OW's life, so don't go there either.
I am not a religious person but I'm glad that you are able to give your problems to God. Let him spin his wheels and do all the worrying. You take advantage of your Type B tendencies and keep on LIVING your life. I know you want to really back off from seeing your H, but come on, do you really think you can? You will take whatever you can from him regardless of what he has done because you love him unconditionally. I do the same thing BTW.
As far as the crying, it probably is PMS and the fact that the frustration in your mind is like a volcano ready to blow. Cry if you need to, then clean up your face and go strut that size 8 all over town.
I am giving H way too much time, effort and energy. I need to refocus on myself. Easier said than done sometimes. 
