I am always so happy to hear from you. I understand tired and weary. I am wearing myself out. I am spending way too much time thinking about my sitch, agonizing about the various possibilities and scenarios for each situation that comes up. It's exhausting. I am getting behind in other important life tasks, which is how I know I am over the edge on that. All I want to do is write on this board, solve this "problem", "fix" this R. I am preoccupied, distracted.
Regarding the wedding ring, yes H picked it up from the jeweler, and he has it on. He was very pleased that they polished it, and that it looked so good, and showed it to me right afterwards when we had dinner about a month back. He works with his hands, so it will not take long for it to get scratched up again. It was interesting to me, when H was married the first time, he told me he never wore his wedding ring - he didn't like to wear it, it always bothered him he said, and his excuse to his ex-W was that it was dangerous for his work. It was an unhappy, loveless marriage according to H which was legal but not spiritual or close or connected, and I have always accepted H's explanation of these things. However, when he married me, he said he loved his wedding ring, and he has always worn it. He says it does not bother him as he thought it would, and he wears it even at work - in fact the reason it was at the jewelers was because he smashed his hand under some boards, and he said the ring "saved his finger" although the ring was smashed so badly it was an elipse and they had to cut it off and then repair it. Anyway, I choose to see these things as symbolic, the ring a symbol of protection and love and commitment, and it gives me hope and strength to know that H still chooses to wear it.
OK, here's my "slimy" part about the rings though (my part) which came up today, interestingly enough. I am feeling weary, as I said. Tired of feeling unappreciated. Tired of H broadcasting his "love" for OW in my face. Tired of being invisible to the man I love and committed my life to. Tired of being non-exixtent on his list of priorities. All that. So today, I was out to lunch at my favorite mexican restaurant, sitting at the counter. Very homey, friendly, casual place. Met a guy at the counter, and I chatted with him, and I was looking very cute today in my size 8 pants and new very youthful and (dare I say it?) sexy top. I noticed at one point that I did not want him to see my wedding rings. I actually covered my hand with my other hand while I was talking to him. I thought about what it would be like to go out without them on. Had the thought that if this stranger asked me out I would go. A film-maker, like my daughter, lives in town, handsome, interesting, you know. He gave me eye contact and waved as he left. No doubt I was on the edge of playing with fire.
So my "love tank" with H is empty. No matter how bad it was at any time for us in the past (which honestly wasn't very often for me), it never ever occured to me to be with another. Ever. He is the love of my life. So, I really am scared now.
So I can not even begin to tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you keep coming back for me. I really feel like I need the support right now. I am truly questioning if anything I do will make a difference for my M. I feel like I can't move on with my life without moving the vestiges of H out. And I feel like if I do that, I am closing the door. Limbo and MLC sucks. That's all I have to say about that. I feel trapped and stuck. And my fantasies are beginning to happen. Even in my dreams.
In the hope and prayer that this too shall pass, I commit to one more day. I guess I am weary, but not weary enough. Have you ever heard this quote:
When wrestling a gorilla, you do not stop when you are tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.
One more day of gorilla wrestling, here I come. Thanks for coming to see me. Even your "sulky and irritable" days help me in realizing that like you, I will get through this
P.S. If you want to hit my H over the head with a 2 x 4, I am happy to tell you where his shop is. He has plenty of 2 x 4's right there and it might really help give his poor muddled brain a jump-start
PPS. Do you have a thread of your own, with your story? I have not been able to find one for you.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
