Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I just returned from a beach walk, and the most beautiful sunset ever. I love it when there are some clouds and gusts of wind along with the scene, makes it all the better for me. The dog is so happy I am home, he is a cocker spaniel with a smile today at the beach that almost touched his ears on either side. Nature, and especially these walks, do wonders to improve my PMA and outlook too, and also enhance my sense of choice and "power" in my sitch.

I feel a need to apologize to all of you, because I tweak and refine my DBing efforts, and sometimes I do not do what I think I am going to do, or I do the opposite of what I just said I was going to do. Yet somehow I am still muddling through, and I think I will be OK. Thanks for keeping up with me I had an impulse at the beach to try something new, so I took a picture of me and the sunset on my phone and sent it to H's phone. This message sending thing had been H's realm with the OW almost exclusively, so I have been dabbling in there a bit, I guess. Last week, H didn't have a phone that received photos, but I had an inkling he might have gotten a new phone. Not sure why, other than the fact that his old one was really bad (sounded like he was talking in a tin can) and I told him so, and also showed him how great my new phone was. Well, I guess he does listen to me sometimes Got a text message back less than a minute later, "where are you?" and in keeping with "not being in the R more than he is", I used my 3 word allotment "at the beach". H phoned me immediately, was I at the beach in Arizona? haha [where I was working], didn't know when I was getting back, how was it? etc., etc. VERY cheery, seemed really really happy to talk with me, lots of interest and questions. I kept it short, but was able to provide really upbeat and intriguing tidbits:
H: are you glad to be home?
PL: It was great to be there, and it is great to be home. Life is great. I have such a great life.
*****
H: were you able to use the pool?
PL: every night! and my room was 10 feet from the jacuzzi
H: Oh, party central?
PL: every night, until 2 am :-)
*****
H: [it was getting late, H's protective mode] well, you better get home before it gets dark
PL: I'm not sure about that! But I will get home sometime tonight.

I am defining new techniques for my DBing efforts. As you can see, I am obviously not dark. I keep thinking I "should" be dark, and then it never feels right. It feels contrived, and also like it will leave nothing but OW in his space. Space is good (for me) but I would like to check in occasionally with H, with no expectations, just a friendly reminder of how great it feels to talk to me kinda call, every once in a while. I heard someone talk about going "dim" too (which I think is some contact, but minimal, like business only?) and you know, for the kind of girl I am, "dark" and "dim" just won't do as words to describe anything I am up to. They feel depressing, uncharacteristic, limiting.

So I have decided I am a twinkle light. Not the obnoxious holiday strands that pulse on and off with a pattern. But one of those that twinkles, kind of randomly, like a real star in the sky.

BTW, some of you with psychology backgrounds/education may know the work of B.F. Skinner, who did experiments "conditioning" rats in the 1930's. Basically, if you want to train a rat (or dog or other creature, even a human) if the rewards are predictable and reliable every time, you will get the rat to do what you want, but no more, and without a lot of enthusiasm. You will just get a purposeful, predictable behavior out of the rat. But if the rewards are random, the rat will keep at it and at it forever, doing what you want it to do and then some, to get the reward. It keeps their interest and motivation up. So try not to think I am calling my H or any of these WAS rats. But if we want to change their behavior, when we are random and unpredictable that will work the best and they figured it out using rats first. So, to relate this to our DB work here, that's the reason for the 180's, the mysterious and unpredictable, etc., which is the thing I need to learn because I am generally reliable as rain, which gets me a slightly bored and not particularly enthusiastic rat.

So now, my new self-image: I am a twinkle light. And H will be looking and watching and waiting and curious about, "when will I get to see that little light twinkle again?"