Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi everyone,

I am now back home. It is the first time I recall arriving home at the airport where H has not picked me up. My house-sitter friend picked me up though, and I will continue to focus on the positive. However, I am clearly going through "withdrawal", and am missing H in my life once again. I am sitting in his office, surrounded by photos and memories of "us". I think this is the hardest thing for the LBS - to continue to live in the space we once shared. The feeling of "something is missing" with H gone is strong. My housesitter said H came by briefly for 10 minutes while I was gone, to create an invoice on his computer. How he can run his business on 10 minutes of paperwork per week these days, I do not know. Anyway, the cat loves my H in particular (and the dog adores him too) and apparently no amount of dancing on the dog's part got H's attention while he was here. H apparently did not pay any attention to either of them, just came and went. When H left, the cat howled for an hour. I know what he feels like. It is the weirdest thing I have ever experienced to witness someone's complete disconnect from all loved ones.

When my dad left my mom after 35 years of marriage (for a 37 year old woman, when he was 73) he left everyone also including me (I was 24), and none of us ever saw him again. I remember his best friend (for over 50 years) calling me on the phone six months later, sobbing, begging me to tell him where my dad was (as if I knew). Dad's BF died without ever seeing him again, and dad died somewhere out there where I never saw him again either.

When H told me about the A, he told me he had never planned to leave me because he never wanted to do to me what my dad had done to me. He had promised me many times that he would never leave me. It is the weirdest thing, that he thought it was about me. I know I will receive healing from witnessing this WAS syndrome close up and personal in a way I never did with my dad. It is powerful for me to be achieving complete forgiveness and unconditional love for H in the face of what is also salt in an old and deep wound. What is sadder for me than my own sense of loss, is that I see that H does not get that it is HIS loss by walking away - it is not just the pain inflicted on the loved ones, but the loss for the WAS of the intimacy and the love that is/was available by sticking around. I believe that anything is possible by keeping a commitment, by keeping your word. H is inches away from knowing that. But he would have to take that leap of faith,and it would break all of his patterns. He has run from things before, and even me once (before we were engaged).

My dad was "abandoned" by his father when he was 2 years old, and my dad was a WAS from another marriage and family (when he was in his mid-thirties), prior to his marriage to my mom. I did not find these things out until I was an adult, as this was a one of many family secrets.

No matter how lonely and sad I am, missing my H and my marriage, the disolution of my hopes and dreams, I think of the life a WAS leads, and that to me, is living hell.

I am sad today, my house is quiet and it is a bit of a let down for an extravert like me after such a jam-packed work week full of friends and interesting people. But I am proud of who I am, of what I have accomplished, and grateful for the people in my life, those who love me and those I love. I am grateful for my home, my pets, my body, my town, the relationships that have been nurtured, for so many things.

Those of you who pray, please pray for us. I am dark and do not know when I will hear from H again. It feels dark. I am afraid. I do not want to be sucked in over and over, yet responding only when H initiates is the most frightening thing and I wonder every time I have tried that if it is the right thing to do. I know that I need to completely detach, and have no expectations whatsoever. But I also know that "checking in" with H when he "ran" before we were engaged, was the right thing to do - it maintained the R and reassured him, even when he did not act like he wanted me to call, for months. Chuck the DB coach said to do what has worked in the past, he said that occasional checking in was fine. I just haven't found the balance yet. Light and breezy, like a friend, cheery, no expectations - that's what I am aiming for. Should I only react to H's initiations, or initiate contact every once in a while? I dunno. I know I need to say "no" sometimes and not be so predictable and available.

There are a dozen or more half completed projects, reminding me of the missing H. Our home reminds me of him, everywhere I turn - the linens, the office, the things left to be done, the overflowing pantry with no 6'4" guy to eat it here, etc. etc.

I have not given up. But I am afraid. I feel very very alone in my commitment. There is no agreement for my stand, anywhere in my every day life. It is mostly some of you who understand. And even so, not one of us knows if it will turn out the way we want it to. I have heard that being in the midst of MLC replay stage is the hardest. I can vouch for that. No matter what anyone says about my H, I know he is not himself right now. I love him and I want him to find himself. I have not given up on his goodness, and I remember the man I married. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I need your prayers.

OK, I will make some new lists, take on some new projects. I have homework to do. I have messes to clear. I will try to be open to H's return without feeling like I am living in a ghost town. I will strive for balance. One day at a time. I will find my rythm again. I can do this.