Well I have had a great week of work here at the resort. I love the face-to-face opportunities which don't happen very often, and this community and my work is uplifting and inspiring. Really, really, really something. Powerful affirmation that my work life supports me well. On top of that, lots and lots of attention about how good I look (since most of these folks haven't seen me for a year, I have apparently tranformed in their eyes). I apparently look 10 years younger, impossible that I could have a 25 year old daughter, my butt is tiny, I don't look like the same person, etc. etc., so it was good food for my lonely/neglected side from a safe and loving audience.
It has been good for me to be here and not be around H. I was mad the first couple of days (as you saw in my post) and it faded to relief that I had time for myself to re-center and nurture myself. And gratitude that I managed myself well enough that I did not dump on H when I was with him. This week, I ate good food (although perhaps a little too much) went swimming and jacuzzing every night, and created great bonding experiences with several folks, including the daughter and son of colleagues who I really enjoyed (they were 12 and 13). I love teenagers, and hanging out with them every night in the pool was so so great.
Since we are at a spa/resort, and a discount was arranged for us, I also treated myself to a 1 1/2 hour hot stone massage with a massage-guy this morning. That was an unbelievable treat, I was so relaxed I drooled, and maybe I even passed out on the table and snored once or twice. Lucky I do not need to be sexy to receive a great time from a massage-guy . It was a really indulgent and great experience.
I also think it opened up some stuff. I have been busy pretty much from dawn to midnight all week, even though "busy" was often fun. However, I did notice that H did not call once. Even though this was predictable considering we slept together in the hotel last week and he was all cozy with me there, as this week progressed it got harder to accept that this up down, push pull, come closer then retreat, is just what is so and will continue to be so for as long as it takes H to "get it". I believe when he "gets it" the dance will be over and either we will be married and recommitted or we will not. But right now, H is dancing, rollercoastering, whatever you want to call it. H is in MLC and he is having an A, and this is what it looks like and will continue to look like until H "gets it" or I see it differently. So I better just relax and enjoy the ride as best as I can as often as I can.
I spoke with my dog-sitter/house sitter tonight, and she said H came by the house yesterday, and spent maybe 10 minutes in the office. She noticed and told me that he seemed "glazed over" and completely unlike the gregarious man she met 1 1/2 years ago. That was sad, but yet continues to confirm the MLC for me.
I have figured out that for me what works is:
a certain amount of "space" from H, particularly time alone for me "in between" sightings compassion, forgiveness and understanding commitment to listening review and reminders of MLC behaviors and symptoms no expectations, no matter what, no matter when freedom to be myself and express myself commitment to be kind patience ongoing introspection about what's working and not working for me commitment to health, well-being in every area of my life Release of hurt, anger, worry as needed in safe places GAL activities (seminars, my PhD program, beach walks, friends, health pursuits, etc.)
My fears are that H will never "wake up", that he will pursue an unfulfilling R (or many) and an unfulfilling lifestyle and that he will be alone forever, and that I will have to "give up" at some point on our M. I also have a fear that it would be better if I got mad at H and provided a "tough love" stand (boundaries and ultimatums), and that I am enabling the A to continue and deepen - that there are things I "should" be doing that would cause him to wake up or cause the A to end, and that I have failed to figure that out or take those steps, and will lose the M because of it.
My commitment to my M remains. My commitment to health and well being also remains, however, and is the trump card if those two commitments become incompatible. I will not sacrifice my family's or my personal happiness, health or well being as a way to live. It has to all work together, which means H will need to be whole. I can only move forward with H if he is whole. However, I am willing to be patient (and am learning this more each day), because a temporary state and a permanent unresolvable situation are two different things. When will I know if H is emerging as present and whole and available, or if he ever will? I dunno. But I just keep thinking I will know when I know. If the answer to my prayer is met, sometime between December and March, I will know.
So today I cried. It came on suddenly, in between the graduation ceremony for our students and the dinner/dance extravaganza. I had always wanted H to come with me to one of these, and he never has. It is very family oriented, stimulating and diverse and I always wanted him to experience it so he would understand what I really work for. H hadn't called all week either. I have to go home tomorrow, and I have to face H again at some point I imagine and perhaps witness the push-pull again and again. And I wish it was over, and the MLC replay stage was over. So I took a shower, came out and looked in the mirror and the floodgates opened, and I went to the floor and prayed on my hands and knees and the tears poured and I asked for God to help me, help my H, help OW and save my marriage. There on the bathroom floor. The message I got was that between 5 months and 8 months from now, what needs to happen next will be revealed. And that I am to be patient.
On my own, I keep thinking that H needs to be confronted. That he needs to see my anger, my limit. But then I also think, repeatedly, that that will not really work in my sitch. But I read on Strong One's thread today that she had a big blow out with her H (and I have seen this before with others too) and a big confrontaton occurs, and then the air is cleared and the truth is told, and things move forward, and I want that. But what keeps coming up for me, is that MY H will not do that, at least not right now. If I push him at all, he will walk. Completely. Or at least so I think. I think my H will only return to our M if it is his idea, his choice. I wish I could "get him to choose what I know is best" lol only kidding. But seriosly too, you know. I've got this figured out and he doesn't, so if he would just listen to me, everything would turn out fine. No wonder he left the know-it-all wife for the needy helpless OW so he could feel important and smart and strong.
So I will be patient. And lay low. Not be too obvious in my excitement to see or talk to H, if/when I do. Say no to some invites, yes to others. Try some new language skills, so that I am not always so so accomodating and predictable. I will still write the planned letter to his S12, and will do it this week.
Nothing particularly new, therefore. Still trying to refine the same stuff I have been trying to refine for the past 7 months, it seems. Just hanging in, trying to do what I said I would.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Lucky I do not need to be sexy to receive a great time from a massage-guy 
. It was a really indulgent and great experience. 
