Hi all. I never kept up with my own thread b/c frankly, I'm paranoid that the wrong person might read it and I do have secrets that I will never reveal and hopefully recover from.
Anyway, to my question. I am the HD and my husband is the LD in this R. He doesn't often compliment my body and I have always had a low self-esteem of my body, looks, etc. Now into my 30's I've come to accept that I am not now and will never look like a supermodel and I'm okay with that. I clean up pretty good I lost a bit of weight over the last 2 years and try to eat right and work out and I look decent. MUCH of the time I feel fat and unattractive, SOME of the time I feel beautiful and sexy and like a MILF! So tonight I started doing a new exercise routine and showed my husband and said "if I keep this up, I'm going to be really fckable!!!" and as always he just shifted his attention, which leaves me feeling so undesireable and almost hopeless I posted a picture of myself to a group that I belong to tonight and one of the women said "is that you??? if so, WOW!!" and I was so flattered and thought to myself "why couldn't he say something like that to me? why can't he validate me?"
The other night we went out to dinner with another couple and they both complimented me. Telling me how I had no hips anynmore (yeah, right), etc.
I realize that *I* am responsible for the way I feel about myself, but still, it would be so nice to be complimented and desired by him. I'm still hoping, but not really seeing it happen anytime soon.
I never saw a question in your post. If your talking about your subject heading, its because they are women. Thats the simple answer. All humans need validation. We are tribal creatures.
Now into my 30's I've come to accept that I am not now and will never look like a supermodel and I'm okay with that. Good. Kate Moss is a coke head, Namoi Campbell is a narcisstic B!tch, Heidi klum talks funny, and rebecca romijn... ok she is perfect.... So what if you dont look like them. Thats their job, they got it because of genetics and social luck, and its a lot of smoke and mirrors.
I clean up pretty good I lost a bit of weight over the last 2 years and try to eat right and work out and I look decent. MUCH of the time I feel fat and unattractive, SOME of the time I feel beautiful and sexy and like a MILF!
Yes I remember x saying this stuff. She felt fat one day, and the next day she would feel hot. What do feelings have to do with measurments and bodyfat %, quantifiables that dont change from one day to the next? I would usually respond by squeezing or pinching her and saying 'you feel the same to me'.
So tonight I started doing a new exercise routine and showed my husband and said "if I keep this up, I'm going to be really fckable!!!" and as always he just shifted his attention, which leaves me feeling so undesireable and almost hopeless
FWIW, I never compliment women when they take the initiative to compliment themselves for me. At the most I offer a 'mmmmm'. I find it highly annoying on several levels. One they usually do it on a subject they want to be complimented on, they attempt to appear confidant, are seeking a reaction out of me. Ok if you want a compliment, act congruently and ask so I can tell you honestly (or teasingly, depends on if its a real insecurity, or a test. ). In your case, that would mean 'H what do you think of this new exercise routine?' or after some time, 'H do see any difference since this I started this new routine?'
Your doing something and not getting the reaction you want. So stop.
I encounter so many women who try to use what they find attractive in men, on men. If thats what I wanted I would be dating men. My point is I think I know exactly why your H reacts the way he does. Its exactly how I respond when F's do it to me. I just happen to be aware of how, why it makes me feel that way.I could probably teach/explain it to them, but if I have to teach them how to be female on top of trusting a no boundary having, drug addled nonsensical R ignorant, what is the point? NMJ. Next.
He is not doing it to be a jerk. He is just reacting to incongruence, and your insecurity salve seeking.
Stop using confidant, humorous comments to incongruently mask your insecurity. Its not attractive... at all, regardless of your visual 'hotness' factor. If you want to be desired as a woman, act like a woman. Express honestly. Man that is SOOOO attractive. Did you see Mojo's H reaction when she called him a fastidious pr!ck? She can do that because he is one, and he knows it. That is her expressing herself honestly. When she just rolls over and takes his crap, thats not appealing. Do this make sense? Its not about your looks. Its about communicating honestly.
It would be 'best' if you self soothed, and took care of yourself, while not caring what others think of your looks. That doesnt mean dont care about your looks and be slovenly. Get them as good as you can, and then be happy with you. You will have true confidence. Thats HOT. (ugh I just quoted paris hilton. not hot.) My x was not the bestest looking female I dated, but she was really attractive when she was happy with herself, especially in the beginning when she was the least visually appealing to me, out of the whole M.
Reality, female insecurity doesnt bother me at all, its not unattractive, as long as they are honest, and congruent with how they deal with them and me. Give your H the chance to compliment you. Wouldnt that feel better to receive anyways?
This comment of yours reeks of your own insecurity ("So tonight I started doing a new exercise routine and showed my husband and said "if I keep this up, I'm going to be really fckable!!!" )....people in general don't respond well to others insecurity.
Also, if someone said that in front of me...I would feel like I was being put in a no win situation. If a guy were to say yes, to that. Then in essence he's agreeing you aren't fckable right now. If he were to say no, then in essence he's saying don't bother...it won't make any difference.
Guys talk about us women making statements like that all the time (does my ass look fat in these jeans?). Did you really think he would respond to that comment? I can guarantee my H wouldn't have....because he'd have felt tested and wouldn't have had a "right" answer to respond with....so I would receive silence...another wrong answer. See, no win.
Your being fckable...isn't about your weight/appearance. It's about the R between you and your H. There are many men/women (in fact I'd say a majority of them) who have some extra pounds, or flaws in their appearance....that are completely sexually appealing. Self confidence is a trait that attracts people and is quite sexy. Needing validation from our spouse that they find us attractive, is of course PERFECTLY NORMAL, but I think you'll find if you work on your self-confidence, that validation from him may come. Oh, and stop making no-win comments like that.
Quote: I never saw a question in your post. If your talking about your subject heading, its because they are women. Thats the simple answer. All humans need validation. We are tribal creatures.
You're right, I never did quite sum it up. Yes, the subject heading was pretty much my question. It's odd, b/c although I have some insecurites, I don't really feel insecure. Then I find myself fishing for compliments and it's apparent.
I didn't want to type the exact words I used (again fear that he may read here someday). Actually what I said was "if I keep this up I'm going to be a really good fck." it was because of the way I was moving my hips. I know that stuff makes him uncomfortable though, so I shouldn't have bothered anyway.
Yes, you can call me Annie and no, he has never made me feel sexy. He does compliment me like "you look nice today" or "those pants look good on you," "you look thin in that skirt." those types of things, which are nice, but not ultimately what I'd like to hear. I keep trying to convince myself to let go of my fantasy marriage/lover and just when I think I'm okay with what I've got, I slip back into dreamland.
P.S. GEL I find your posts are so helpful and your husband is lucky to have you.
I think it is just the way women are built but that the need for validation can reach some unhealthy levels. I have been trying to work on that aspect of myself for YEARS. I have come to feel that it will always be there to some extent. Yet - the need for validation also makes ME a good validator. Not a bad thing.
I read in a fitness magazine that 97% of men whose wives had plastic surgery on the body were more satisfied with their sex lives after the surgery. It was not the same for facial plastic surgery. I doubt that reflects that the men felt the need for their wives to fix their breasts, azz or belly as much as it reflects that the woman who has fixed something she views as a "problem" is better able to validate herself. KWIM?
In view of that, what would it take for you to valiidate yourself better? What would it take for you to learn to bring yourself "up" when you are feeling fat? I'm asking myself that same question. I made the mistake of trying on some form fitting exercise clothes in a store with bad lighting AFTER 10 days of injections that involve hormones which cause me to retain water and fat. Now I ask you, how smart was that? Shouldn't I have recognized that an activity like that wasn't going to help anything? What if I had eaten healthy, done some yoga (I couldn't exercize heavily right after the IUI due to cramping), listened to some music I like and then played with my kids instead?
Something to think about. As women our mood changes can be a little upredictable but we can guess depending on the time of the month or that little feeling of restless emotion that pre-empts the feeling of being fat and unsatisfied with one's life.
I used to do this sort of thing and it never turned out well, for the same reasons that blackie listed. Fwiw, I don't respond well to people fishing for compliments either. It makes me withhold them, like a big meanie.
I'll tell you what gets H a validatin' though.
When I pull back emotionally a bit, and act in a way that communicates that I'm happy with or without him. When I'm needy, it icks him out. So sometimes, even if I'm still feeling needy on the inside, I'll act as if I'm not...and give him a few days and his interest is peaked. In general I don't care for R games, but I don't know if this is truly a game or just male/femal rituals.
Anyway, my advice is to stop looking for validation from him on whether you're fcukable or not and start telling yourself that you are. From time to time, leave the house looking as smokin hot as you can throw together and let HIM do the wondering about who will think you're fcukable, instead of you.
Incidentally, my H only compliments me in a sexual way sporadically. Words of affirmation are NOT his love language. It's mine. I try not to take it personally that he sucks at it and lap it up when he does pull his head out long enough to give me some verbal lovin.
I must echo what HP says about having an H who sux at the vebal lovin. This weekend I was wiped out from the IUI procedure and all the attached hormones. Me, being me, I would have been thrilled to ML anyway. H, being H, he knew how tired I was and there was no way he was coming near me. However, on Sunday I am leaning over the bathroom counter putting on mascara in a schoolgirl white bra and panties. H comes in and asks some question saying "butt pants girl" at the end of the question. That is H's version of a sexual compliment. You have to be able to mentally extrapolate what he says into - "Oh, he thinks my butt looks good."
Karen, My H used to do that too..sometimes still does. I started handling it like this: I'd turn around and make eye contact and say "You think my butt looks hot..is that what you're saying?" He'd reply "yep!"
I can't convey tone of voice here but the whole thing was very playful and sweet, not me busting his chops or nagging him for not saying it 'right'.
The key was that I did this every time and he was eventually house trained, er, I mean he eventually learned how I prefer my compliments to be packaged. I sorta paved the way for him to be able to directly say what he was thinking. It didn't get heavy with me lecturing or anything, it stayed light and breezy and yet still gave him a clear message that I wanted, needed and craved to hear his true thoughts (her ass looks delicious) rather than some school boy joke.
Good thoughts. Yes - I can definately do that. The funny thing is that had I been standin there in crotchless panties and peekaboo bra I don't think he would have said a thing! Maybe I'm wrong.
I lost a bit of weight over the last 2 years and try to eat right and work out and I look decent. MUCH of the time I feel fat and unattractive, SOME of the time I feel beautiful and sexy and like a MILF! So tonight I started doing a new exercise routine and showed my husband and said "if I keep this up, I'm going to be really fckable!!!" and as always he just shifted his attention, which leaves me feeling so undesireable and almost hopeless 
I posted a picture of myself to a group that I belong to tonight and one of the women said "is that you??? if so, WOW!!" and I was so flattered and thought to myself "why couldn't he say something like that to me? why can't he validate me?" 
So what if you dont look like them. Thats their job, they got it because of genetics and social luck, and its a lot of smoke and mirrors. 
and no, he has never made me feel sexy. He does compliment me like "you look nice today" or "those pants look good on you," "you look thin in that skirt." those types of things, which are nice, but not ultimately what I'd like to hear. I keep trying to convince myself to let go of my fantasy marriage/lover and just when I think I'm okay with what I've got, I slip back into dreamland.