Sorry you're here. It really seems like your sitch is VERY good all things considered.
I will reply to a couple things you posted and then recommend something to you.
I would also ask you to post the details of your sitch (age, length of marriage, kids, etc) so we can get a better handle on things.
Quote: She says she's willing to do whatever it takes, and so far she appears to be backing that up.
So far, so good. Actions speak louder than words. You can read for days on this board where the WAS SAYS the right thing but their actions don't match their words. You are lucky in this, and other respects.
Quote: We are also seeing a marriage counselor once a week, someone with many years practical experience and who is also a Christian and doesn't believe in divorce. He believes we have what it takes to save our marriage.
This sounds REALLY great. I'm glad you found a C that is helping. That is not always the case. I am curious what HE thinks are the qualities you two have that make reconciliation a good possibility.
Quote: I've read everything on this site, and many things elsewhere and agree with DB advice. My question is...since my wife has chosen to remain at home and appears to be committed to working this out, what should I do?
Let me say, I don't think I can do much with or for her about her feelings for this other guy. But she says she wants to do the right thing, and she's given him up. I do take responsibility for the things I did that all but killed our marriage, and I'm doing the 180 stuff, and generally trying to be the best person I can be, with God's help.
Again, it sounds like you skipped a lot of the REALLY bad part and moved right on to reconciliation. Part of me is bothered by that. This is the only negative thing I will post to you, and it's in the form of a general warning. When things go THIS well, or THIS fast, I think it's wise to expect that there MAY be some backsliding on her part. I may very well be wrong, and hope I am.
Anyway, you are doing all the right things. You are owning your mistakes in the "old" marriage and working on yourself to be a better man in the "new" marriage that will be formed from this point forward. Keep that up.
Quote: But since she's home and committed, it seems like I should (in a confident, loving, but not needy way) be doing all I can with her and for her to rebuild our relationship the way it should have been all along. I've read alot of advice about letting someone go if they want to go...what sort of balance between attention/devotion on the one hand, and backing off on the other hand, should one strike when they say they want to stay.
Like I said, I think you are slightly beyond the usual "marriage saving" aspects of DB/DR as it relates to one spouse fighting to save the marriage and the other not sure at best, a total WAS at worst. All these things, like letting go, detaching, going dark, etc, all really apply to situations where there is no real R to speak of and the LBS is striving to do the personal growth work they need to do in the face of their spouses either continuing an affair, or otherwise disconnected. Your W is neither. That is good.
Quote: What I think is right is to be the best friend I can be to her right now, as well as loving her as a husband should. It's just it kills me when she says she just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, even though she's committed to me because it's what is right. She says she hopes those feelings return, and that I deserve it, but it still feels like a major slap in the face. She wants me to be affectionate with her, and occasionally physical, and says she is "willing" even though she doesn't have those feelings for me right now.
What's the best way to respond to something like that?
Ok, so here is where you ARE right now, which is really where Mamabear, me and many others are. You are back, both "working" on rebuilding a marriage in the aftermath of an affair but there is still that void, especially when it comes to their emotional/physical attraction to us.
Realize that there could be a LOT going on in her head and it may be time is all she needs to deal with that. Time and proximity to you, the NEW you who is well aware of his shortcomings in the old marriage. So, patience is a HUGE virtue here, as is making sure that you don't have many expectations right now. Expectations can kill any marriage or relationship and that's especially true where you are now. If you expect her to be a certain way and she is not, you will build resentment and anger towards her, something that will NOT help her feel closer to you.
That is something, BTW, you really need to watch out for. As things return to "normal" you will naturally begin to experience different emotions and maybe some anger towards her. Resist this, or rather understand that it's natural and then release it.
Her guilt is also a BIG factor here. I am famously (lol) not really coming from the "Christian" point of view (not that I'm not mind you...oh...long story...talk to AmyC) but since you mention the church and God a few times, I have to assume that there are probably people in your social/church group that know about this, or at the very least, she considers what she did an affront to not only you, but to the church and God as well. That's a WHOLE lot of guilt on her. As long as she's feeling that, it's highly unlikely that she'll be able to feel much else in terms of passion/intimacy/romance where you are concerned. Again, counseling and time SHOULD help this, as will your empathy and compassion for her.
I'd like to close by recommending a book to you. I warn you, it is pretty graphic (as it deals with sexual issues in a frank, open way) but VERY helpful in helping us understand the dynamic that can occur in a long relationship where the passion just "dies" for one of both of the partners. The book is called "Passionate Marriage". It's pretty highly respected from what I know and I have read most of it (need to finish). I feel I now understand a LOT more about why my W is having intimacy issues with me, and I certainly understand my own MUCH more. I can't say I agree 100% with the author's stance on things, but I do feel this book is a really good companion to DB/DR, especially for people at our stage in things.
Keep posting and you'll keep getting help. I'll follow you and jump in when I can.
I'll also invite someone else to check in on you (the afore mentioned AmyC). She has a really good handle on things and is defiantly DOES come from a Christian perspective, which I think would help you.
