Wife is Staying, Now What?

[toughlover]

Three weeks ago, my wife of 11 years ( we have two sons ) dropped "the bomb": she'd been committing adultery with a much older man from our church for three years. She told me she had recently seen a divorce attorney and was planning to divorce me. She said she had been emotionally disconnected to me for years and that she loved this man. We fought a lot. I had suspicions and confronted her three weeks ago, and she admitted it. She says she "loves me but doesn't have any emotions/sexual/romantic feelings for me" but that she's committed to putting God at the center of our marriage and working this out. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes, and so far she appears to be backing that up.

We are also seeing a marriage counselor once a week, someone with many years practical experience and who is also a Christian and doesn't believe in divorce. He belives we have what it takes to save our marriage.

I've read everything on this site, and many things elsewhere and agree with DB advice. My question is...since my wife has chosen to remain at home and appears to be committed to working this out, what should I do?

Let me say, I don't think I can do much with or for her about her feelings for this other guy. But she says she wants to do the right thing, and she's given him up. I do take responsibility for the things I did that all but killed our marriage, and I'm doing the 180 stuff, and generally trying to be the best person I can be, with God's help.

But since she's home and committed, it seems like I should (in a confident, loving, but not needy way) be doing all I can with her and for her to rebuild our relationship the way it should have been all along. I've read alot of advice about letting someone go if they want to go...what sort of balance between attention/devotion on the one hand, and backing off on the other hand, should one strike when they say they want to stay.

By all accounts, I don't think she could be doing better if I scripted it myself.

What I think is right is to be the best friend I can be to her right now, as well as loving her as a husband should. It's just it kills me when she says she just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, even though she's committed to me because it's what is right. She says she hopes those feelings return, and that I deserve it, but it still feels like a major slap in the face. She wants me to be affectionate with her, and occasionally physical, and says she is "willing" even though she doesn't have those feelings for me right now.

What's the best way to respond to something like that?

[grasshopper]

toughlover,

Sorry you're here. It really seems like your sitch is VERY good all things considered.

I will reply to a couple things you posted and then recommend something to you.

I would also ask you to post the details of your sitch (age, length of marriage, kids, etc) so we can get a better handle on things.

She says she's willing to do whatever it takes, and so far she appears to be backing that up.

So far, so good. Actions speak louder than words. You can read for days on this board where the WAS SAYS the right thing but their actions don't match their words. You are lucky in this, and other respects.

We are also seeing a marriage counselor once a week, someone with many years practical experience and who is also a Christian and doesn't believe in divorce. He believes we have what it takes to save our marriage.

This sounds REALLY great. I'm glad you found a C that is helping. That is not always the case. I am curious what HE thinks are the qualities you two have that make reconciliation a good possibility.

I've read everything on this site, and many things elsewhere and agree with DB advice. My question is...since my wife has chosen to remain at home and appears to be committed to working this out, what should I do?

Let me say, I don't think I can do much with or for her about her feelings for this other guy. But she says she wants to do the right thing, and she's given him up. I do take responsibility for the things I did that all but killed our marriage, and I'm doing the 180 stuff, and generally trying to be the best person I can be, with God's help.

Again, it sounds like you skipped a lot of the REALLY bad part and moved right on to reconciliation. Part of me is bothered by that. This is the only negative thing I will post to you, and it's in the form of a general warning. When things go THIS well, or THIS fast, I think it's wise to expect that there MAY be some backsliding on her part. I may very well be wrong, and hope I am.

Anyway, you are doing all the right things. You are owning your mistakes in the "old" marriage and working on yourself to be a better man in the "new" marriage that will be formed from this point forward. Keep that up.

But since she's home and committed, it seems like I should (in a confident, loving, but not needy way) be doing all I can with her and for her to rebuild our relationship the way it should have been all along. I've read alot of advice about letting someone go if they want to go...what sort of balance between attention/devotion on the one hand, and backing off on the other hand, should one strike when they say they want to stay.

Like I said, I think you are slightly beyond the usual "marriage saving" aspects of DB/DR as it relates to one spouse fighting to save the marriage and the other not sure at best, a total WAS at worst. All these things, like letting go, detaching, going dark, etc, all really apply to situations where there is no real R to speak of and the LBS is striving to do the personal growth work they need to do in the face of their spouses either continuing an affair, or otherwise disconnected. Your W is neither. That is good.

What I think is right is to be the best friend I can be to her right now, as well as loving her as a husband should. It's just it kills me when she says she just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, even though she's committed to me because it's what is right. She says she hopes those feelings return, and that I deserve it, but it still feels like a major slap in the face. She wants me to be affectionate with her, and occasionally physical, and says she is "willing" even though she doesn't have those feelings for me right now.

What's the best way to respond to something like that?

Ok, so here is where you ARE right now, which is really where Mamabear, me and many others are. You are back, both "working" on rebuilding a marriage in the aftermath of an affair but there is still that void, especially when it comes to their emotional/physical attraction to us.

Realize that there could be a LOT going on in her head and it may be time is all she needs to deal with that. Time and proximity to you, the NEW you who is well aware of his shortcomings in the old marriage. So, patience is a HUGE virtue here, as is making sure that you don't have many expectations right now. Expectations can kill any marriage or relationship and that's especially true where you are now. If you expect her to be a certain way and she is not, you will build resentment and anger towards her, something that will NOT help her feel closer to you.

That is something, BTW, you really need to watch out for. As things return to "normal" you will naturally begin to experience different emotions and maybe some anger towards her. Resist this, or rather understand that it's natural and then release it.

Her guilt is also a BIG factor here. I am famously (lol) not really coming from the "Christian" point of view (not that I'm not mind you...oh...long story...talk to AmyC) but since you mention the church and God a few times, I have to assume that there are probably people in your social/church group that know about this, or at the very least, she considers what she did an affront to not only you, but to the church and God as well. That's a WHOLE lot of guilt on her. As long as she's feeling that, it's highly unlikely that she'll be able to feel much else in terms of passion/intimacy/romance where you are concerned. Again, counseling and time SHOULD help this, as will your empathy and compassion for her.

I'd like to close by recommending a book to you. I warn you, it is pretty graphic (as it deals with sexual issues in a frank, open way) but VERY helpful in helping us understand the dynamic that can occur in a long relationship where the passion just "dies" for one of both of the partners. The book is called "Passionate Marriage". It's pretty highly respected from what I know and I have read most of it (need to finish). I feel I now understand a LOT more about why my W is having intimacy issues with me, and I certainly understand my own MUCH more. I can't say I agree 100% with the author's stance on things, but I do feel this book is a really good companion to DB/DR, especially for people at our stage in things.

Keep posting and you'll keep getting help. I'll follow you and jump in when I can.

I'll also invite someone else to check in on you (the afore mentioned AmyC). She has a really good handle on things and is defiantly DOES come from a Christian perspective, which I think would help you.

GH

[AmyC]

Hey toughlover,

Grasshopper asked me to stop in and read your story.
I was actually the WAW (had MLC) in my sitch.
I put my family through about 3 years of hell before I snapped out of the fog.

I'm standing for my marriage today, trying to reconcile with my husband and I definitely am standing on God's Word and His Strength to pull me and my family the rest of the way out of this pit.

You have managed to escape a good chunk of madness and turmoil.
That's a miracle in itself!

Where is this person your wife had the A with?
Are you still attending the same church?
Were other church people aware of the affair?

For now, I'd say to read "Divorce Remedy".
I just recently ordered another book called "Torn Asunder".
It hasn't arrived yet so I can't recommend it one way or the other.
Look it up and see what you think.
My feeling is that it's going to be a good, informative read.

I'm usually here most of the time but this afternoon I will be out of touch for a while.

I'll check back in on you later this evening, though.

You're really in a better position than most of us.

SO REJOICE!!




AmyC

[OG_Lou]

Re grasshopper

I warn you, it is pretty graphic .... but VERY helpful in helping us understand the dynamic that can occur in a long relationship where the passion just "dies" for one of both of the partners. The book is called "Passionate Marriage". It's pretty highly respected

Very good book. Also in the book dept "Not Just Friends" for both people in the M where one had an A, that is what I read over and over again.

Lou

[toughlover]

Thanks very much to all of you for the advice and cautions. I appreciate it greatly. Let me fill in the blanks from my story in a way that will answer the questions AmyC asked:

I had gotten a new job in a town about 70 miles away from where we were living, and about 55 miles away from where the OM currently lives. Neither she nor I have been to that church since May. She doesn't believe anyone else there knows. None of them may actually know anything, but it's possible that they suspect something, and it's also possible at this point that the OM has talked to somebody, though we've heard nothing, and my wife is in occasional contact via email with some of our friends from back there.

She sent him an email at my request telling him that she had decided to work things out with me, and for him not to contact her because she would not respond. She also agreed to cut off all communication with him. I suppose she could've called him from a pay phone or something, but right now she's with the kids all day and we live less than 2 miles from my office. Any kind of contact between them right now, while possible, would be very difficult to do on the sly. Besides, her words to me were, "I'm not going to sneak around at this point. If I wanted to leave, I'd just leave." That was a couple weeks ago.

She's in a lot of pain right now, but it mainly seems to be over her feelings for OM. However, lately she's been marveling at my forgiveness, my 180, and the way I'm back to being like I was when she met me, only better. Yet, she's still grieving over the OM, and apparently they had big plans once she left me.

And you're right, grasshopper, whenever it comes up the one thing she asks me for is patience, which has always been a weakness of mine, but so far I've done pretty well, with God's help.

Grasshopper: we've been married 11 years. She was married once before me, was divorced when I met her. We have two sons, ages 13 (from first marriage, whom I adopted when he was 4) and 10. She's 31 and I'm 39. Yes, she was very young when we met and married (one year after we met), and she had married even younger. We're dealing with all that (and other) stuff in counseling.

[runningoutoftime]

Your situation sounds really positive. I second the suggestion on picking up the book "Not Just Friends." As the LBS it has really helped me understand what happened (and how easy these things can occur even in happy marriages!). It's probably one of the better books I've read on this topic. In fact, Michelle Weiner-Davis even has a quote on the front cover.

I'm sure the physical intimacy will occur in time. Just keep being a friend and start "dating" your wife. If possible, try to add in a little romance. I think if there was a spark of passion prior to all of this you can definitely find it again and even build it into something more intense.