Wife is Staying, Now What?

[toughlover]

Three weeks ago, my wife of 11 years ( we have two sons ) dropped "the bomb": she'd been committing adultery with a much older man from our church for three years. She told me she had recently seen a divorce attorney and was planning to divorce me. She said she had been emotionally disconnected to me for years and that she loved this man. We fought a lot. I had suspicions and confronted her three weeks ago, and she admitted it. She says she "loves me but doesn't have any emotions/sexual/romantic feelings for me" but that she's committed to putting God at the center of our marriage and working this out. She says she's willing to do whatever it takes, and so far she appears to be backing that up.

We are also seeing a marriage counselor once a week, someone with many years practical experience and who is also a Christian and doesn't believe in divorce. He belives we have what it takes to save our marriage.

I've read everything on this site, and many things elsewhere and agree with DB advice. My question is...since my wife has chosen to remain at home and appears to be committed to working this out, what should I do?

Let me say, I don't think I can do much with or for her about her feelings for this other guy. But she says she wants to do the right thing, and she's given him up. I do take responsibility for the things I did that all but killed our marriage, and I'm doing the 180 stuff, and generally trying to be the best person I can be, with God's help.

But since she's home and committed, it seems like I should (in a confident, loving, but not needy way) be doing all I can with her and for her to rebuild our relationship the way it should have been all along. I've read alot of advice about letting someone go if they want to go...what sort of balance between attention/devotion on the one hand, and backing off on the other hand, should one strike when they say they want to stay.

By all accounts, I don't think she could be doing better if I scripted it myself.

What I think is right is to be the best friend I can be to her right now, as well as loving her as a husband should. It's just it kills me when she says she just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, even though she's committed to me because it's what is right. She says she hopes those feelings return, and that I deserve it, but it still feels like a major slap in the face. She wants me to be affectionate with her, and occasionally physical, and says she is "willing" even though she doesn't have those feelings for me right now.

What's the best way to respond to something like that?