Feeling my way around in the darkness

[NNP1965]

I am feeling pretty bad this morning. Just really down.

STOP READING IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY GRAPHIC SEX TALK!!!!!!!!!


Yesterday I was in the bedroom changing when H got home he came up to change too. He gave me a hug and one thing kind of led to another and before I knew it, he is "doing his thing" and I am thinking (not saying) "no not a quickie... I want more"!

Before he could finish, we got interupted. So I thought he would be interested later on. Not so. When I got home... he was watching a baseball game. So, after a while I went to bed, gaged his interest when he came to bed and didn't see a sign of any.

Later, during the night, he used me for relief. I am sorry that sounds so awful, but that is exactly what it was and awful is how it feels. I was asleep and awoke to him grabbing me. Not caressing, not fondling, but grabbing. He was like an animal (and not in a good way). He just did what he needed and rolled over and went back to (or continued) sleep(ing). Most likely if I mentioned this today he would say he can not be held responsible for what he does in his sleep.

I felt like I wanted to scream! But true to my nature and upbringing I just laid there like nothing had happened. Right now I feel very hopeless. We seem to have so many issues how can this ever work out at all? I feel like I am of zero value. My H does not value me and obviously I do not value myself.

Thankfully, I have a counseling session this afternoon. My insurance has approved me for 12 more sessions. Darn good thing... huh?