Quote: If I initiate and he just takes, I don't like the way I feel afterward.
Oh yes, it makes very much sense to me and I know just how you feel, might as well be on a street corner. Do you think it would be appropriate to talk with him about your feelings? Can you open up to him about this? If you can't talk about it, how about showing it? Set the mood, candles, soft lights, romantic music, fingertip touches, very sensual...and remember, foreplay starts long before the bedroom.... But again, all this is only if you think it seems right to be trying these things.
H gets a blue star by his name! keep him busy with those types of things, assign his GAL without him even knowing it.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I think tonight instead of initiating... I will just ask him if he would like to ML. I will be taking a big chance saying ML as opposed to having sex. But I have to find some courage sometime.
I guess my fear is that a R talk will ensue and that will be an opportunity for him to say he is just here because of the boys.
If he does say that though, maybe I need to hear it.
Thoughts please....
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Hi NNP, well it's probably too late tonight for anything I will say to be of any use. But maybe tomorrow it will be useful Anyway, I am thinking of Michele and all this Solution Oriented stuff we are up to. It is never about talking. It is about behavior. So don't bother talking. You can think ML, but don't talk about it, act it out! What would it look like for you - what would you wear, what's the lighting like, the music. New sheets? Sleeping with your head at the foot and your foot at the head? Rosepetals, massage oil? Remember when you WERE ML - what was that like? Try recreating the atmosphere and the mood of when everything was great between you. And then have no expectations. Just keep creating the action steps that are aligned with what you want. No expectations = no disappointments. Think of it like a game or a movie - you don't know what's going to happen next, but it's fun finding out Don't forget to bring fun and play with you Let us know what happens
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I am feeling pretty bad this morning. Just really down.
STOP READING IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY GRAPHIC SEX TALK!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I was in the bedroom changing when H got home he came up to change too. He gave me a hug and one thing kind of led to another and before I knew it, he is "doing his thing" and I am thinking (not saying) "no not a quickie... I want more"!
Before he could finish, we got interupted. So I thought he would be interested later on. Not so. When I got home... he was watching a baseball game. So, after a while I went to bed, gaged his interest when he came to bed and didn't see a sign of any.
Later, during the night, he used me for relief. I am sorry that sounds so awful, but that is exactly what it was and awful is how it feels. I was asleep and awoke to him grabbing me. Not caressing, not fondling, but grabbing. He was like an animal (and not in a good way). He just did what he needed and rolled over and went back to (or continued) sleep(ing). Most likely if I mentioned this today he would say he can not be held responsible for what he does in his sleep.
I felt like I wanted to scream! But true to my nature and upbringing I just laid there like nothing had happened. Right now I feel very hopeless. We seem to have so many issues how can this ever work out at all? I feel like I am of zero value. My H does not value me and obviously I do not value myself.
Thankfully, I have a counseling session this afternoon. My insurance has approved me for 12 more sessions. Darn good thing... huh?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I bet those big cap letters deterred everyone else from reading anymore of your post, it'll be just me and you now!
Used for relief. Oh UGH, I hate that feeling, and I know it all too well. That was exactly what H would do when I used to push him for sex, and when he finally reached the point of no return, that is just what he would make sure it turned out to be, his own relief.
So what to do for you? what was the evening like in between when you got interupted and when you went to bed? what if you had tried to keep the mood flowing? you know, pre-bed foreplay.
As for the animal in bed grabbing you for relief, get up and leave the bed when it starts. Go get a drink, and make sure he wakes up so he is fully aware of what he is doing. If he's still awake when you get back, maybe it would be different.
I'm glad for your counseling happening today, it seems just the right time that you can give the counselor a full dose of how you're feeling. Let us know how it goes. (((sara)))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Yuck, NNP. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I've got absolutely now words of wisdom here. I just hope your counselor/therapist does have something useful to say about it all. Thanks for sending your support my way, and I'm mine your way. You know you're worth a lot, even if it doesn't always feel like it. Just knowing someone is out there on these boards who lives the sea going military life with their H is worth a lot to me!
Oh NNP, I'm sorry. It does sound like you are very disconnected and your sex with H has no intimacy right now. I do think the C will help. You will need to take care of you in your R, and also train H as to what you need him to do to take care of you. You will need to value yourself enough and learn some new behaviors to do this. It made me sad for you reading your post. What happened is abusive whether H intended it or not - you have allowed him to be this way with you and you will have to retrain yourself and retrain H so that your needs are a priority and are met in the M. I am so glad your C has been extended. I think new behaviors are entirely possible and you can have a life you love! It will just take some time and effort to make some changes and shift familiar patterns. I am glad you wrote about this. You have a right to want more for your life. Keep writing. We are all rooting for you. Let us know how the C session goes today!
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: Hi NNP, well it's probably too late tonight for anything I will say to be of any use. But maybe tomorrow it will be useful Anyway, I am thinking of Michele and all this Solution Oriented stuff we are up to. It is never about talking. It is about behavior. So don't bother talking. You can think ML, but don't talk about it, act it out! What would it look like for you - what would you wear, what's the lighting like, the music. New sheets? Sleeping with your head at the foot and your foot at the head? Rosepetals, massage oil? Remember when you WERE ML - what was that like? Try recreating the atmosphere and the mood of when everything was great between you. And then have no expectations. Just keep creating the action steps that are aligned with what you want. No expectations = no disappointments. Think of it like a game or a movie - you don't know what's going to happen next, but it's fun finding out Don't forget to bring fun and play with you Let us know what happens
PL, thank you for your input. I do appreciate it. It is just that I have been doing these things for years. Really I have. I ML to him even though he is having sex with me. I have gone to the stores (the raunchy ones and VS). I have tried role playing and fantasy sharing… re-doing the bedroom… lighting candles… wearing the teddies… jumping him when he is not expecting it… etc… etc… etc…
I am quickly running out of steam, as none of these things seem to make any difference. No matter what I do he seems to prefer the porn. I guess someday, I may have to face the fact that this is what (at least) one of our problems is really about.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Anyway, I am thinking of Michele and all this Solution Oriented stuff we are up to. It is never about talking. It is about behavior. So don't bother talking. You can think ML, but don't talk about it, act it out! What would it look like for you - what would you wear, what's the lighting like, the music. New sheets? Sleeping with your head at the foot and your foot at the head? Rosepetals, massage oil? Remember when you WERE ML - what was that like? Try recreating the atmosphere and the mood of when everything was great between you. And then have no expectations. 
Just keep creating the action steps that are aligned with what you want. No expectations = no disappointments. Think of it like a game or a movie - you don't know what's going to happen next, but it's fun finding out 
Don't forget to bring fun and play with you 