Hi NNP, OK I am with the guys here - someone has got to start the ball rolling - why not you? Take a trip to Victoria's Secret and buy some cute undies (a week's worth at least, go just a little over budget on those) and start wearing them around, even every day. I was surprised how much better I felt about me just taking that step. Heck, your H is watching porn when he could have a living breathing on-fire woman? Don't sell yourself short, NNP. Most of the issues I had when I was not initiating were due to me having low self esteem. I felt unattractive because H had lost interest. I didn't know at the time that he had an OW. And I was just sitting around waiting. Big mistake I wish I could do over. But you are in bed with H every night. Play with fire, seduce him back. Flirt. Wear perfume. Wear thongs. Seriously NNP, why not you initiate??? Go for it girl
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I have been doing all those things and I have been initiating all along. I am the one doing all the initiating. Is it wrong to hope that he would also?
Yes he would rather look at porn than be with a real woman, or maybe it is just that he would rather look at porn than be with me.
He did snuggle up to me a couple of times during the night in his sleep. I am thankful for that.
Advice please... So you all think I should just keep initiating and no matter what?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
well, I am probably not the right one to be giving advice on this, because I have not had any action in a long long time being that my sitch has headed a different direction. But I have some questions. How is he when you initiate? Is he interested and responsive? Because it could be that he feels guilty and undeserving. I think a lot of us have that going on with our spouses. You must be patient and loving, and flirty, and win them over.
Do remember that the porn (and in my case even an OW) is not the real issue. Don't give it any power or focus at all. The issue is the R between the two of you. And who you are being is something you have control over. Have you ever talked about your sex life, what you like and don't like? Has he told you what turns him on, and have you told him? I am just wondering where you are in terms or intimacy and communication. One thing I know though, getting into a waiting game or a competition (I'm not gonna do this until you do ...) will not get you what you truly want. Also, when my sex life with my H was happening in a great way, there was a lot of humor and play present. When it's the same old, same old, it gets boring. Men are so visual too. How are you caring for yourself? Focusing on making yourself the best and most attractive you can be is where to put the energy. When was the last time you asked H to give you an all over body massage with oil? Or decorated the room with candles? Or hopped in the shower with him and soaped him all over. Or whispered in his ear, I really like it when... Just some thoughts.
But yes, from everything I have read, and now from my personal experience, having contact and being intimate is FAR BETTER for your sitch than not, if you want to preserve your M. So hang in there, get creative and playful , and keep us posted
The snuggling is VERY good, BTW. In his subconscious sleep state, H wants you close. You see? Focus on the positives, what IS working, and do more of that
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
I don't have any great advice. If you haven't asked yet, you might invite him along to Victoria's Secret with you, or an adult shop. Or if you feel comfortable, knowing the issues at hand, you might ask him what fantasies he has for just the two of you.
I don't think you have to keep initiating if he doesn't respond. At some point you need a reprieve from rejection. But, then you could fall into a place of never initiating even when the time is right.
Quote: I am the one doing all the initiating. Is it wrong to hope that he would also?
Absolutely not. If you were not aware of the porn viewing issue, what would you do? how would you act then? But, being that you are aware, maybe he thinks he is some kind of star and you should be doing all the chasing? Only you know how the intimacy really is and the feeling of the moment and if you can or can't or should or shouldn't initiate or insist on ML. I know how you feel, I was blasted big time earlier this year for not initiating and jumping all over H when he showed the first sign of interest. But in the moment of the mood, it still did not feel right at the time. And I stand by my decision at that time, because it feels like we are getting 'righter and closer' now than if I would have pushed then. It is a very personal decision that we can all give our opinions and offer advice about, but it is always and ultimately YOUR feeling that is what you must commit to.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Today has been a very stressful day. Nothing to do with H, Dr for me and Ortho for the boys in a town a couple of hours away... the appts took longer than I expected and that put us late getting back here.... I feel like I didn't get to take a breath all day!
I will try to digest what everyone has written and respond tomorrow. I truly appreciate the input.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
JM, love your feathers when you agree with me. BTW, I've followed and read most of your threads. Quite a story you've shared with us, thanks for that, and I wish you all the best.
NNP, how's your day today? and the meeting last night?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
So far so good today. The meeting last night was good. Liz came also. We both said that we did not really feel like coming, but since we had each promised the other, we were there. I gave her my phone number, I have a new friend Maybe I will GAL after all.
As for initiating. I am not sure what to do. He accepts usually when I initiate, but it is only sex, not ML. I would like to ML. If I initiate and he just takes, I don't like the way I feel afterward.
Does that make any sense. I would like to feel wanted, and I don't. I guess that is the wrong thinking to have though.
Oh I should add... H stepped up and did a good job of getting the boys where they needed to be last night. and I did remember to thank him for it.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
being that my sitch has headed a different direction. But I have some questions. How is he when you initiate? Is he interested and responsive? Because it could be that he feels guilty and undeserving. I think a lot of us have that going on with our spouses. You must be patient and loving, and flirty, and win them over. 
