Feeling my way around in the darkness

[NNP1965]

Counseling is draining. I asked her point blank is there anything I can do now? She said point blank no.

She said that I can not do what I don't know to do. It made sense to me at the time.

My job right now is to be able to "know what I know". She was not talking about repressed memories or anything, but acknowledging my life, I think.

Something I have noticed about this book that I have mentioned I am reading. It is a small paperback book and I should have been done with it in a few hours. But I am honestly not 1/4 of the way done yet! I just keep having to read paragraph after paragraph over and over and then put it down and then go back and read the same thing again. I have never had this problem, but it is like my brain will not accept what I am reading. ...and honestly every word is written about me.

I honestly wish I could have a transcript of our sessions.

Three really cool things have happened in the last 24 hours that I want to share with you all.

1) Last night H and I and DS10 went out for dinner. When I came back from the restroom they had been seated and H was standing to let me slide in the booth by him. I do not think this has ever happened in all our married life together that we sat on the same side of the booth together. Not sure how it came about, may DS10 just asked if he could sit by himself, but I was certainly pleasantly surprised.

2) Last night I went to bed first and was sound asleep when H came to bed. During the night he pulled me to him and when I tried to move after awhile (it was hot in there), he would not let me move away from him. Now this was totally unconsious on his part because thru it all he never even stopped snoring.

3) This morning he called and said "I am calling to ask you on a date"... WOW! That is something that doesn't happen either. So... we are going to tractor pulls at the county fair (boys included, but I will still count it as him initiating a date!) LOL

Then this morning I got a dose of reality. SMACK!!!!!!!! I snooped. I know, bad bad NNP. Not sure what made me do it, but there was an email to him from a couple looking for another couple. So what does that say to you all?

I have no idea if this is something he is going to bring up with me again. But if he does I need to be prepared. I need to be able to say what I think and not let fear rule me. I need to be able to open my mouth and speak.

What is it that I am not giving my H that he is seeking?