Feeling my way around in the darkness

[NNP1965]

That is a good observation WCW. What I meant by not being afraid was of continuing the counseling. Each time I have been I was not sure I would make myself go again. Because I know once I get to a certain point there will be no going back. Once I face certain things I will not be able to continue living in the lies and secrets.

I told my counselor yesterday that I know I want to address this, I want things out in the open. I just do not know how to make that happen. I am not capable at this point because I am still paralyzed by fear. I know that when I am able to open my mouth and make something come out I will not start with accusing my H. I will start with my love for him and my commitment to him and our marriage and my hope for us to be happy and healthy.

Anita (the counselor) asked me to start saving money. Money equals security and for children of alcoholics security is VERY important and with security comes strength. She assured me that this money is not for anything in particular. It may end up being used for a family vacation or the boys education or a lawyer in the event I need one.

She thinks just the act of me putting some money away may empower me somehow. That is very easy to do as H wants nothing to do with finances. I have begged him over the years to please take an interest, but all he is concerned with is that there is money when he wants to spend it. I get to handle all the figuring out how to do it.

So that is my only plan for now.