I figured you had decided not to I just wanted to be sure. About the club, I'm not a guy so probably would see things different than your H. But is there a compromise you could make? If you have developped some trust in him already, and the club is that important to him so he can do guys stuff, could you ask him to split up his weekends, some at the club, some with you? Could he go to the required events, but maybe not so many of the non-required ones and make the choice to spend his time with you instead? Coming from a M where my H is (oops I meant gone) two thirds of the time, I know from experience that the time apart is definitely impacting the healing in our M simply for lack of time.
JP....I am with Piper on this....talk to your H... ask if he could set some time aside for you and family on the weekends....let him know you want him to have fun with the club but that if he did this every weekend and with his free time you would miss him... then leave it to him to make the choice...
You can't make someone be with you....we already know that...and if you H views you as controlling and he feels that you are controlling his ability to have fun he will resent you....(btw, my H said I was controlling too....along with acting like his mother....so I can relate to you)....now if you allow him this time....and show him that you are happy with him when he is home and the you like to do fun things with him he just might feel ON HIS OWN that he WANTS to be with you more...the club might be an emotional escape for him right now....he might need that for a while....
Be patient....give him space....give him time to prove himself....give him time to earn your trust back....it will be hard for you but he needs to do this...and YOU need him to do it also...
I explained to my husband that from past experience when he was knee deep in the club, I know that there are events almost every weekend and that his daughter (my step daughter) and I like spending time with him. He came back with "that's another way of you trying to control me".
I have just finished reading Michelle's book and I don't know how to apply what I have learned to this situation. Other than let him go, not say a word and call up some friends and go out while he is out.
I hate this, but I feel there is nothing else I can do. I have already expressed how I feel about this club thing and the people that hang out at these places and I feel it is not a place for a married man to be.
Other than toss in the towel, that is the only solution I can think of right now.
I skimmed your sitch here! First of all. SORRY! I am truly sorry. Second . . . let me tell you this. IT WILL GET EASIER.
I've been here 8 months and counting. My H as it turns out basically kicked me out in Dec (at that point I was 2 months pregnant with our second beautiful daughter) for the OW! Who I never found out about until May!
Anywho . . enough about me.
My advice to you dear about this . . .
Quote: Other than toss in the towel, that is the only solution I can think of right now.
What do you guys think?
DETACH girlfriend!! Let him go out and run his stuff right into the ground. He has to wake up on his own. The more you shake him the more angry he will become. Trust me I tried to shake the hell outta my H and wake him up. Doesn't work. So sorry. . . there isn't an easy fix.
The decision is yours sure. You can decide to sit and wait and watch where it goes (leave the door cracked as they say) OR You can SLAM that door in his face and get on with your life. That is TOTALLY up to you . . . but since you are here I'm assuming you've choosen to wait around?!?!?!
It's hard to sit and wait and be OK . . it took me 8 months and I still screw up . . BUT it does get easier. PROMISE
That's my two cents . . don't know if it helps at all . . but I hope it does a little. Keep your chin up!
I agree with letting him go to the club. he knows how you feel. when he is at the club, that is YOUR free time. do something you like, don't sit while he is out. make your world bigger and broader.
I'm still on detach mode, don't know how to turn it off, thats probably a good thing. my opinion is after the crap he pulled, if he doesnt want to make you his #1 priority, then the time he is away at his club, detach like a mofo. get a life, get to the point when he says or does something that normally would dissapoint you, you won't really care.
if he takes care of this relationship, you won't have to detach. make sense?
Thank you Emily, JM and Ford! That is what I thought too! We talked about it again last night and all I got was the "rolling of the eyes". I told him that I couldn't choose his friends nor could I tell him what to do. So I just kissed him and told him to have fun and left the room. I will just detach and let him do his thing.
I know he loves me....so hopefully he will see what this is doing to "us".
Meanwhile, I hope that I can stay strong about smiley face.
OMG, I can’t even begin to explain what is going on now……it all has to do with that club thing. I feel so much stress and discouragement.
Yesterday my H gave me such a hard time about taking our D to get registered in school. I couldn’t do it because I was at work. He said he couldn’t do it because he had a “club” thing going on. I got upset because it made me feel like he was putting the club first and our family second. I mustered enough courage to send an email to one of the guys in the club, whom I thought was a friend and I can trust. I told him about the events that were unfolding and how I thought my H was being blindsided by the club and asked him if it was the club that was telling him that everything came second. He replied with “he didn’t know what to say”. He called my H this morning and told him about my email. The following is the email I received from my H.
I don't understand how after 10yrs you still don't know me??? Or understand me??? I really don't know how you can say I put the club 1st. and family 2nd. I stopped hanging around the club and tried to make up to you by staying home. BUT I guess you didn't notice, didn't care, didn't want to acknowledge? Not sure but I guess I'll try to be like you (and not care). 1st of all it pisses me off that you would tell him that behind my back!!!! And 2nd it hurts me that you would say that!!! Based on 1 meeting right now I'm not sure what to do? Or what to think? Instinct tells me to leave and move on!!! But the mature adult and wise person that I am tells me to stay put and it's okay to be pissed about it and to let you know that what you said and did does not sit well with me. How frick'n dare you to accuse me of something that never happened!!! Obviously you don't know like you thought you did!!! Not sure there is a date night tonight. I'm just VERY Weirded out over all this crap because you said "you’re right you do need to be with your guy friends” and your actions and vibes are saying the opposite.
My H gave me the impression that he didn’t want to take his D. Below is my conversation that I had w/him yesterday over email….
Me) Hon, don't forget D’s registration tonight.
H) Depends what time cause the meeting starts at 7:30pm. I’m leaving at 5:45
Me) You have to be at the school no later than 5:30 PM
H) Then I can't go ‘cause I have to leave at 5:45
Me) Hon, I think your daughter is more important than a club meeting
H) O'right!!!!!!! F***K!!!!! and now I'm F***ING PISSED OFF as long as everybody F**KING knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU already knew I was going today nice ploy on your part THANKS!!!! EVERYBODY knew I did not want to go!!! It is not f**king necessary.... Fine and when it's over I'm outta here!!!!
Once he took our D, he calmed down and apologized for his behavior. I can honestly say that I am fed up with it!!! Right now I would like to go home and pack my bags and move out. I can’t think clearly and I think I need to break away from it.
I saw OM last night and while I didn’t’ have the 4th of July sparks, it was tempting……
I explained to my husband that from past experience when he was knee deep in the club, I know that there are events almost every weekend and that his daughter (my step daughter) and I like spending time with him. He came back with "that's another way of you trying to control me". 
