I'm glad to read you're giving your husband a chance. I forgot if I wrote this on this thread but the book "Not Just Friends" has been invaluable in helping me understand and even forgive my husband for his affair(s).
I know this may sound hard to believe but with committed spouses you really are more than half-way there. Unfortunately, it will take time. Work more on building the friendship first with sharing of dreams, thoughts, ideas, etc... other feelings will fall in place over time.
The main thing I've learned from the book is that intimacy requires a sharing of secrets (of course, that needs to be done when the time is right in a safe and caring environment. The spouse needs to feel they can confide in you -- like one would a best friend or the OP -- and you need to be able to be supportive with potentially painful information).
I think OP are tempting, but until a marriage is over (and that means divorce papers finalized), it's usually best not to start up with them. They really are only band-aides and that's not healthy for anyone. The wounds need to heal first. I personally believe it's best to try and heal with the spouse since both people can gain a lot from working through it together.
If, for any reason, the marriage does need to end, there's always time in the future for that and OP. Healing, learning and growing from all of this should be the first step.
Good luck to you!!! I only WISH my husband were committed to working through all of this.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
