Again....not sure what happened to my post to you, Jade, from last night....but I will try again...
I think immature was the wrong word to use...yes this is a very emotional time...and as someone else stated we are not casual observers...I had the love of my life walk out on me at the worst possible time in our life...
I had been with him since I was 15....I had stood by him as he tried to get his "new career" off of the ground (it still isn't)....we had to move out of our home and in with my parents....the renters trashed the place and then quit paying the rent....we had to quickly get it sold or we would lose it....we had to lower the price a lot because of the damages to the inside....I had just lost my long time job do a contract being canceled....I thought I had hit the bottom....and then one night, after my nieces wedding.....H decides that he is leaving....in the middle of the night....didn't say goodbye to the kids....just took his shaving kit and left....later I find out because he was going to fly to his OW and do the deed that he thought would end our marriage for good....he said he hadn't loved me for 10 yrs....there I sit....my son is 9...so he wasn't conceived out of love as I believed all my children were???....to say I was devistated and wanted to die would be understatement....oh...lets not forget I was training to be a school bus driver....he left 3 days before I was to get behind the wheel of 45' bus for the first time and drive....oh, then I got a red light ticket going to court....next, I rear ended another car that stopped suddenly in front of me and my car just slid...and the creme de la creme....during my behind the wheel bus driving test with the Highway Patrolman as the tester sitting in the front seat...I am taking my test in the rainiest of weather ( I had never driven a bus in the rain at that point)...one of the test points is to back a 45' bus around a corner and keep it 12-18" inches from the curb without hitting the curb and end up parallel when you stop.....in one move.....well I couldn't see out of my mirrors....once you are seated you are not "allowed" to get out of your seat....I had never been to this street before and wasn't familiar with it....so what happened??? I backed around the corner and into a block pillar to a driveway!!!....the first in the history of that Patrolman to have an accident with him sitting there....now remember, my H had just left me....with nothing...no job, no home....I really really needed this....I had invested my last bit of money into this....to say this was icing on my otherwise crappy cake would be an understatement....how humiliating....oh, lets not forget the bus I was driving was the one that was assigned to the Department of Transportations manager....the guy who had actually contacted me to become a bus driver....
fast forward....I am now a bus driver (long story and more proof I am not the quitter H thought I was)....my H came home....and we are piecing things back together... I have learned forgiveness in the largest sense of the word....I have become a more humble person....more patient and understanding....I have learned what is truly important in life and what can wait another day...I am learning to trust my H again....not false trust but really learning to trust...he even told me he wants to be trusted, that is important to him...
Did I turn on the charm and pretend this didn't happen....NO!!!....but I did realize if I wanted things to work I....I....I....I had to let go of the past....let go of the anger...I was only one who could look at this situation different...as horrible as it was it opened up a new life to me....one that I hope to make better....
How you handle it is by stepping back and really taking an honest look at yourself....listening to what you H has said and what he hasn't said....figuring out what you can do to make yourself a better person....not for him...but for yourself....it is empowering to take control of yourself and make improvements....that is something no one can do for you...or take from you....
So now is the time for you to start acting like you want your marriage to work....instead of just "saying" you do...stating that you don't want a divorce is a baby step...there are lots of baby steps down this road....another is to start looking at your H's good qualities....even if you have dig deep and look hard...focus on what you can accept....not one what YOU want to change....his change will happen because of yours....and it will come in baby steps too...
I know in my situation, my H didn't notice changes for a long time....then one day he realized that I was not a threat to who he was anymore.....that I could be his friend again....and that is where I am...starting over...
Feel free to go back and look at all of my postings from the beginning....you will see a change that took place...one I am proud of....one that is a new me...one I can live with the rest of my life...and one hopefully my H can too...
Now, JadePearl...take a step back....evaluate YOUR life...and start making the positive changes that you can...the charm will follow, trust me
after all the horrible stuff you went through, and all the time he was gone. how in haleys comet do you forgive? I know you said you had to "let the anger go" but what i'm asking is how? and also, how do you let someone that was gone so long back? sorry if this sounds stupid. you're a hellava strong woman to have kept chuggin while this all went down. you have my total respect.
?How long does the hurt, dissapointment, anger last??????? How can one get over this?>
its been 11 months for me. still dissapointed and angry. so I don't know. I've been thinkin about this pretty hard lately. I mean, being able to drop your gaurd after this is sooo hard. I don't ever want to be in the position I was in last summer. EVER. also I'm stuck on the bit of " ok the hurt is mostly gone, but is this person, the person I trusted most, the person who totally blew it by screwin around, all the lies, all the mean and hurtfull talk, is this person WORTHY of me, WORTHY of me dropping my gaurd?" the more time that goes by, the answer gets more and more to the NO, they arent worthy.
this is hard, because I like my wife, we have a blast together. I dunno. have a great saturday, Jade
Good questions...harder to answer but I will attempt to...I found I had to look at things from the other side...even if it was a bit skewed....
A little history....my husband had a horrible childhood...but he was such a loving and compassionate man...he was the father on a bad day that his father couldn't even imagine being on a good day.....
I am not saying that what happened in his life and during our marriage was justification for what he did "to" me... but at the same time I don't think it was really done to me as much as it was done "for" him....if that makes sense...
I looked beyond the act that he performed and tried to understand what happened...it wasn't him...he really did go off of the deep end....
Holding on to the anger was more damaging to me and my goals....whether H and I got back together or not....for me to walk around bitter and angry wasn't going to effect him...he wasn't around....but it would effect me and everyone around me....so I didn't let go of the anger for him....I did for ME!
How I did it is hard to explain....but basically was detaching the man I had always loved from the one that was causing the pain now....and hoping that someday the original man would come back...and I knew he would only be able to come back if I let go of that anger...no way would a man walk into a hornets nest....on purpose!....it is sort of a catch 22....
A lot of it comes to being resolved...resolved not to let this point in time determine the rest of my life...
How do you let someone in after so long....slowly...baby steps...you need to see something good....you need to show something good....then from there you build...
Someone asked me how could I ever trust him again....well if you truly think about how do you ever trust anyone??? I know I won't be a door mat....I know I can make it on my own...my reason for taking him back was not because I "needed" him....I proved that I didn't....I "wanted" him back....I wanted our family whole (that will take a long time because our one DD is still very very angry at him and to this day doesn't speak to him even though she lives here with me)
One thing I never allowed myself to do was to hate him...as distorted as his thinking was about me...there was some truth in there....and my task was to find it...and to make the adjustments that I could make that would improve me as a person...
To that though....you have to stop looking back at was is DONE...and look forward to what your DOING....and keep focused on your GOAL....
It seems that a lot here are struggling with the issues of forgiveness, trust, anger and love....
Please feel free to ask me anything....I will do my best to explain...and if you still don't understand narrow it down...eventually I think I can help you to help yourself...
And this all doesn't matter if you plan on saving your marriage or not...this is really about YOU....
It's been exactly 11 months for me too!! And I ask the same questions as you. After all is said and done, is this person worthy of my loyalty and love?????
I hear what everyone is saying. Two wrongs don't make a right. Yes, I am being selfish and acting on my emotions. It's not right for me to involve an innocent person in this mess. But at the same time, I cannot go on pretending that nothing ever happened and that the man that lays next to me every night is worthy of me. I guess that is the anger in me that cannot think correctly until all of the last bit of anger is gone.
So throw daggers at me! I can't help what I feel!
I used to be a very strong willed person. This knocked me down to the ground and tore me to pieces. I nearly lost my job because I couldn't focus. I didn't pay the bills for 3 months. My heart felt so heavy and it ached. I couldn't believe that this happened. As I've mentioned before, I do take some blame but not all.
****After all is said and done, is this person worthy of my loyalty and love?????
Only you can decide that.
****But at the same time, I cannot go on pretending that nothing ever happened and that the man that lays next to me every night is worthy of me. I guess that is the anger in me that cannot think correctly until all of the last bit of anger is gone.
Anger is the last emotion to go. It will feed and is hungry. The only way to stop it is to starve it. Anger will soon lead to bitterness. With bitterness you cannot be happy. I have been bitter for 15 years. This is not a road you want to go down.
****I can't help what I feel!
There is nothing wrong with that. Hell sometimes I feel like calling my OW up and meeting her for a beer. I admitted I missed the OW just a couple of days ago. There is NOTHING wrong with feeling, it's how you react to those feelings. Make sense??
****I used to be a very strong willed person.....My heart felt so heavy and it ached. I couldn't believe that this happened.
You can STILL use this as an opportunity to be even STRONGER. It's up to you.
***I used to be a very strong willed person. This knocked me down to the ground and tore me to pieces. I nearly lost my job because I couldn't focus. I didn't pay the bills for 3 months. My heart felt so heavy and it ached. I couldn't believe that this happened.***
Okay...I could have written this...I only gave a synopsis about my life when H left me...as I have stated so many times to say I was devistated was an understatement...
I would go to training for driving a bus....crying all the way there...put on a happy face (tell everyone I had allergies)....then cry all the way home...I cried myself to sleep....I woke up and cried....I went to church with my kids and the minute we started to sing a song I would have to go to the bathroom....and cry...sometimes crying myself to sleep....does that sound devistated??? The only reason I tried to live was for my kids...because I didn't want them to lose me too....that was the ONLY reason...
The anger and injustice you feel is valid...but for how long are you going to let it poison you???...you don't let it go for "them" you let it go for you...
As long as you keep even "thinking" about the OM...and those exciting feelings you have with him...of course you are going to feel dread at your H after that...after all "he is keeping you from your happiness"...<you are entering the fog>
I will keep holding out for you...not calling the OM is a good thing...but as long as you keep desiring him it is really in vain...
(James 1:14-15) 14 But each one is tried by being drawn out and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then the desire, when it has become fertile, gives birth to sin....
This is a good reason to quit desiring anyone esle until you have either repaired your marriage or have legally ended it....
Nothing is over unless you want it to be...the fight is your own...your H is back...now it is upto you...
<I used to be a very strong willed person. This knocked me down to the ground and tore me to pieces. I nearly lost my job because I couldn't focus. I didn't pay the bills for 3 months. My heart felt so heavy and it ached. I couldn't believe that this happened. As I've mentioned before, I do take some blame but not all.>
