Good questions...harder to answer but I will attempt to...I found I had to look at things from the other side...even if it was a bit skewed....
A little history....my husband had a horrible childhood...but he was such a loving and compassionate man...he was the father on a bad day that his father couldn't even imagine being on a good day.....
I am not saying that what happened in his life and during our marriage was justification for what he did "to" me... but at the same time I don't think it was really done to me as much as it was done "for" him....if that makes sense...
I looked beyond the act that he performed and tried to understand what happened...it wasn't him...he really did go off of the deep end....
Holding on to the anger was more damaging to me and my goals....whether H and I got back together or not....for me to walk around bitter and angry wasn't going to effect him...he wasn't around....but it would effect me and everyone around me....so I didn't let go of the anger for him....I did for ME!
How I did it is hard to explain....but basically was detaching the man I had always loved from the one that was causing the pain now....and hoping that someday the original man would come back...and I knew he would only be able to come back if I let go of that anger...no way would a man walk into a hornets nest....on purpose!....it is sort of a catch 22....
A lot of it comes to being resolved...resolved not to let this point in time determine the rest of my life...
How do you let someone in after so long....slowly...baby steps...you need to see something good....you need to show something good....then from there you build...
Someone asked me how could I ever trust him again....well if you truly think about how do you ever trust anyone??? I know I won't be a door mat....I know I can make it on my own...my reason for taking him back was not because I "needed" him....I proved that I didn't....I "wanted" him back....I wanted our family whole (that will take a long time because our one DD is still very very angry at him and to this day doesn't speak to him even though she lives here with me)
One thing I never allowed myself to do was to hate him...as distorted as his thinking was about me...there was some truth in there....and my task was to find it...and to make the adjustments that I could make that would improve me as a person...
To that though....you have to stop looking back at was is DONE...and look forward to what your DOING....and keep focused on your GOAL....
It seems that a lot here are struggling with the issues of forgiveness, trust, anger and love....
Please feel free to ask me anything....I will do my best to explain...and if you still don't understand narrow it down...eventually I think I can help you to help yourself...
And this all doesn't matter if you plan on saving your marriage or not...this is really about YOU....
