Again....not sure what happened to my post to you, Jade, from last night....but I will try again...
I think immature was the wrong word to use...yes this is a very emotional time...and as someone else stated we are not casual observers...I had the love of my life walk out on me at the worst possible time in our life...
I had been with him since I was 15....I had stood by him as he tried to get his "new career" off of the ground (it still isn't)....we had to move out of our home and in with my parents....the renters trashed the place and then quit paying the rent....we had to quickly get it sold or we would lose it....we had to lower the price a lot because of the damages to the inside....I had just lost my long time job do a contract being canceled....I thought I had hit the bottom....and then one night, after my nieces wedding.....H decides that he is leaving....in the middle of the night....didn't say goodbye to the kids....just took his shaving kit and left....later I find out because he was going to fly to his OW and do the deed that he thought would end our marriage for good....he said he hadn't loved me for 10 yrs....there I sit....my son is 9...so he wasn't conceived out of love as I believed all my children were???....to say I was devistated and wanted to die would be understatement....oh...lets not forget I was training to be a school bus driver....he left 3 days before I was to get behind the wheel of 45' bus for the first time and drive....oh, then I got a red light ticket going to court....next, I rear ended another car that stopped suddenly in front of me and my car just slid...and the creme de la creme....during my behind the wheel bus driving test with the Highway Patrolman as the tester sitting in the front seat...I am taking my test in the rainiest of weather ( I had never driven a bus in the rain at that point)...one of the test points is to back a 45' bus around a corner and keep it 12-18" inches from the curb without hitting the curb and end up parallel when you stop.....in one move.....well I couldn't see out of my mirrors....once you are seated you are not "allowed" to get out of your seat....I had never been to this street before and wasn't familiar with it....so what happened??? I backed around the corner and into a block pillar to a driveway!!!....the first in the history of that Patrolman to have an accident with him sitting there....now remember, my H had just left me....with nothing...no job, no home....I really really needed this....I had invested my last bit of money into this....to say this was icing on my otherwise crappy cake would be an understatement....how humiliating....oh, lets not forget the bus I was driving was the one that was assigned to the Department of Transportations manager....the guy who had actually contacted me to become a bus driver....
fast forward....I am now a bus driver (long story and more proof I am not the quitter H thought I was)....my H came home....and we are piecing things back together... I have learned forgiveness in the largest sense of the word....I have become a more humble person....more patient and understanding....I have learned what is truly important in life and what can wait another day...I am learning to trust my H again....not false trust but really learning to trust...he even told me he wants to be trusted, that is important to him...
Did I turn on the charm and pretend this didn't happen....NO!!!....but I did realize if I wanted things to work I....I....I....I had to let go of the past....let go of the anger...I was only one who could look at this situation different...as horrible as it was it opened up a new life to me....one that I hope to make better....
How you handle it is by stepping back and really taking an honest look at yourself....listening to what you H has said and what he hasn't said....figuring out what you can do to make yourself a better person....not for him...but for yourself....it is empowering to take control of yourself and make improvements....that is something no one can do for you...or take from you....
So now is the time for you to start acting like you want your marriage to work....instead of just "saying" you do...stating that you don't want a divorce is a baby step...there are lots of baby steps down this road....another is to start looking at your H's good qualities....even if you have dig deep and look hard...focus on what you can accept....not one what YOU want to change....his change will happen because of yours....and it will come in baby steps too...
I know in my situation, my H didn't notice changes for a long time....then one day he realized that I was not a threat to who he was anymore.....that I could be his friend again....and that is where I am...starting over...
Feel free to go back and look at all of my postings from the beginning....you will see a change that took place...one I am proud of....one that is a new me...one I can live with the rest of my life...and one hopefully my H can too...
Now, JadePearl...take a step back....evaluate YOUR life...and start making the positive changes that you can...the charm will follow, trust me
