<I am very hurt and dissapointed with his decision to cheat.>
yeah, I still get angry about that. real angry. thing is that any relationship we start in the position we're in is doomed. plus I think the aftermath would hurt us more than them. freeky how that works. I was afraid of being alone, but now I know that I can get another. that gives me a little peace. then I get angry and think, "yeah it's my turn" then I mellow. what a wild ride we're on
You and I think alike. I wonder if this is a cycle we have to go through in healing?
When I think about it, I ask myself if "anyone" is really worth all the agony! Since they screwed up, we should be able to walk away from it and get on with our lives. But we can't!!! At least not right away.
How long does the hurt, dissapointment, anger last??????? How can one get over this?
Someone mentioned earlier that I wanted revenge, do I? I don't think so. I am only very excited that someone else thinks I am worth pursuing.
Ok...I am jumping in here....my husband came home...and he wants to act as if it never happened...but he once told me that it was because he truly wants to forget about the whole thing... Forgiveness is involved for you....you have not forgiven your husband and now you are looking at him through jaded glasses and the other man through rose colored glasses...both give a distorted view of reality... There is nothing in this world that justifies an affair...not even if they did it first....that is like if they commit suicide it is justification for to also....or if they decided to rob a bank....it is okay for you to do also.... I was on my own for over a year and half....while my husband was gone I didn't know if he was out partying every night while I was working to keep a roof over my families head....but I didn't justify my actions by his...I knew what was right and wrong and I acted accordingly.... Now that we are getting back together I have confidence in myself...I have the dignity I deserve...I have nothing to confess... Was it hard...YES...was I lonely...I cried almost nightly for over a year....did I yearn for affection and love....you bet I did....but was I willing to throw everything to the wind for a temporary fix...NO NO NO.... I was tempted....I had my chances....but I still didn't do it.... As far as I knew my H was never coming home....but that didn't matter...I was not single...I was not free to commit to another person...and I wouldn't have wanted to hurt anyone because of my own confusion... Now that H is back....he is making subtle changes...I see them....I acknowledge them....I have also made changes...and you do too...you see no one is perfect...there is room for improvement....something led to your H's unhappiness....I am not saying it was justified but think for a moment that it is possible that you did things, acted in ways, said things, that he didn't like....he siad nothing...the things you did weren't wrong...but they weren't right for him....it is time to take a hard look at who your are and what potential you have....I made changes (in the beginning I fought that because I had been the "perfect wife") and I am happy with who I am today...I am better then I was....I am happier...and this is spreading to H.....there is nothing wrong with that....and it doesn't mean that I have lost who I am....I think I have found me....I didn't change for him...I did it for me...to be a better person and one that would make a good wife...whether it was for H or someone else down the road.... You see while you are looking at all his faults you are giving off negative energy....he is probably picking up on that to some extent... I don't look at my H settling for me after the OW...I look at it as he realized what a good thing he had and came home... So my advice....quite smiling back....tell him your married and that is how it is...don't go into your current situation...avoid him when you can....be business like when you can't.... And throw away the phone number....the giddy feelings wear off and if you do something you shouldn't they will be replaced with guilt feelings and as you can read on this board from those who crossed the line it isn't a good feeling....and it wasn't worth it in the end...
Yes, Yes and Yes to your comments. My brain understands all that you said. But my heart is still broken. You are right that I haven't forgiven him. I don't know how.
In a way, I am attracted to this guy because he hasn't done anything to hurt me. In my eyes, my H has done damage, he is flawed, he is a dishonest person. The new guy comes with a clean slate, no damage, no flaws, no hurt. I know that I am being silly but that is how I feel. Everyone is right about a temporary fix and that it is not good.
But can I truly change the image that I have of my H????? It's really affecting my love for him. I am reaching out for some help here. I am not closing the door to my M and accepting to have an A with the OM.
Yes, I take some blame for my H PA. But it was HIS choice to do what he did. He didn't have the guts to talk openly and honestly with me to let me know that he was attracted to someone else and ask for my help to reach him back into our marriage. He did this willingly and knowingly and even told the OW that he loved her!
Okay, after hearing everyone's feed back about the OM, I have decided that it would definately be too complicated and it wouldn't be fair to bring an inoccent person into my mess. So, I will not do anything about it. I will tell him that I am married and that is that.
I don't like my H right now but I know that I don't want a divorce either. ((((sigh)))) there just doesn't seem to be an easy way for this type of situation. I hate that I am in it but I'm glad that I have everyone here to talk to.
First I can tell you that you will never heal if you keep looking BACK....the PA is over....now what are you going to do... Your H could be racked with guilt but too proud to admit it to you....betcha didn't think of that one....is it a good thing, I don't think so....but that is how it is...
You can change the image of your H....you have to try hard...you have to think ahead...imagine what you want and then give that to him....you need to talk to him...but not about his A....no good will come from rehashing that...
You need to find one thing that he does that is positive...tell him you appreciate that....then look for something else....compliment him....even if it to say "you smell nice"....I can tell you these things will go a long way to changing YOU and HIM...
You need to stop all the negative thinking....I know it isn't easy....how do you think I felt after being with my H from the age 15 to 42 and then having him leave me and tell me he hadn't loved me for years...10 years (that magic number)....well there I sat....my son was 9 years old....did that mean he wasn't conceived in love??? how devestated I was....
If you dont' want a divorce you need to start acting like you like him....plan a nice dinner or evening out...the real work is when they come home...to make things better then they were before....not to let things be the same...and sometimes it has to be us to do this because obviously they don't know how or they wouldn't have had an A to begin with...
Practice talking....everyday I ask my H when he come home "so how was your day"...and then I shut up and listen...I try to show how I appreciate his being here...
Just tonight I arranged for us to go out for a little couple time....as we were standing on the beach I looked at him and said "I am glad your here"....He said "I am glad to be here"....then I asked "are you liking me more?"...to which he answered "Yes, I am"...I said good because one day I want to be standing on a beach in Bermuda or the Carribean and have you say "I love you".... He smiled...and said "me too"
This is such a change from February where he wasn't even sure he could ever ever live with me again....he wasn't even sure he could live in the same town with me again... so how did this happen???....by me taking the little steps to show him how much I wanted to love him...to show him respect even though I wasn't sure he deserved....men can be like kids sometimes....they will live up to the expectations....if you view him as a loser, he will be a loser....if you view him as a winner, he will be a winner....or at least try...
Let me know what I can do to help you...help your H
Immature? How the heck does one act when something like this happens in one’s life? 20, 30, 40, 50, it doesn’t matter how old you are, it is a very devastating event and I don’t think there is one person out there that knows how to handle it!! So, don’t feed me the line that my H and me are immature!!!
If all of you think it’s so easy to turn on the charm and pretend it never happened, then I’d like to know how to do this???????
Quote: How the heck does one act when something like this happens in one’s life?
Exactly the opposite of how you are acting. You are running on pure emotion. You must stop, breathe and regroup. The head must temper the heart.
It takes NO courage to let your 'feelings' run amok. What takes guts is to control yourself and do what's right. Ask anyone here.
It has happened in all our lives. That's why we're here. We aren't casual observers commenting on your life. We're on the train with you. We understand you're angry and hurt. Read some of our threads. 'Be angry, but sin not' is what we're trying to say to you. Whatever 'power' you have in this R is lost once you resort to H's behavior. One thing my wife won't be able to say, regardless of how this turns out is, 'he did it too so it's ok.' She'll live with her own transgression and guilt. I won't enable her by resorting to her behavior. It's called STANDING.
What kind of person do YOU want to be?
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Stop, Think, then act. There is no map for how You act. Focus on what you truely want. Being in a relationship where both have acted on selfesh acts of infidelity will only complicate things even further for you. Right now you can look at yourself in the mirror, head up high, and smile. Remember. Honor thyself.
