I have been on both sides of the fence now, and let me tell you when YOUR guilt hits you, and it will, you will fall verrrry hard. Right now you have to be strong and face that your attraction is because you are just lonely right now, like the rest of us, and that YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE YOUR H. You are married, strong, and faithful, do not turn your back on YOUR values and beliefs, whether it be for revenge or just out of attraction. You sound just like anyone who begins affair,,, "wow I like the attention, I am not getting the attention, blah blah blah," WE (cheaters) all have said that and convince ourselves it would be okay... Jumping off my soapbox now, for YOUR own honor and integrity, do not do this. You will not be able to continue to look yourself in the mirror without blinking and glancing away, and if you can't do that will you ever be able to face your husband, the true man of your dreams????
I can understand how you must be feeling, however, as I mentioned before....I didn't ask to be put in this situation. H decided to take a chance with OW! His lies and secrets is what is making me outraged! I am clouded right now and don't know what I want. All I know is that I am extremely ANGRY and annoyed with what he did. I don't even know if he loves me for sure. I feel he stopped seeing OW because it was the right thing to do. Because he didn't want to go through all the trouble of a divorce. I've heard on this message board that actions speak louder than words....well, his actions are very negative some times. At first I panicked and started reading all the books that would help me be a better wife. Then I realized, it's not ME!!! He was tempted and DID it! He should be the one reading the books! If he truly wanted to salvage our marriage, he would show that he wants to do everything in his power to save us! I really do love my H and don't want to hurt anyone. Sometimes you just need a little kick in the butt to get back on track. And, that is why I asked for everyone's input and direction. I am clouded and angry right now.
I think we all reacted to your post with tough love. Sorry. Don't focus on the reasons you should, focus on the reasons you should Not.
It is kind of like playing cards, there are two ways to look at the hand you are dealt, why you should fold and while you should stay in. If you fold you lose, end of game. If you find the reason to stay in, you could check and wait, might even have to ante a little more to stay in, and you still might lose the hand, but still when something because you learned more about playing the game just from staying in. But if you stand by your hand, ante when you can and check when that is all you can do, believing, you might end up winning the big pile in the middle and walking away a winner.
So do you fold, check or ante? Stop bluffing, you have been called here,,,
I hear you! I just can't think clearly because of my anger. And the anger is pushing me away from my H.
But since I am HERE.....I guess deep down inside I don't want to destroy my marriage and want to be happy.
I'm sure he is wondering why I am being a little distant. I don't send him emails or text msgs or call him to say I love him. But if I explain to him that I am angry, he rolls his eyes and gets mad and asks if I am going to continue rubbing his nose in the mess!!!! I can't seem to get anything off my chest......except for here in this forum with all of you guys listening. Sure you can bash me and make me feel bad for my thinking. Just know that I am listening and am not a bad person for feeling the way I feel.
Jade. I TOTALY understand what you're going through and feeling. that anger comes in waves for me.
I had a similiar sitch not too long ago with a woman I met through work. I was incedibly flatered. I felt like a kid talking to her, it was such a rush. I thought it was my chance to get some much needed relief from all the old crap i've been through in the last year. I happens when you've spent so long getting kicked in the nuts daily, made to feel less than normal, then someone else treats you like a king (or queen in your case).
I thought about it long and hard ( no pun intended ) and while it felt great, I had to get out of that situation before I did the deed. I asked myself what would I feel like afterward. would it take away the pain I went through in the last year? no. would it make anything in my life better? no. see, my wife is aand had been doing backflips to make up for last summer. I gotta give her props because leaving sure as hell would have been easier for her that making all the amends she has been making. also, I think it would have kept the "beast" alive. the beast being "the affair and all the goodies that go with it" I want it to die. i'm sooo done with thiking about it.
so, take it for what it was/is. its an ego boost that I sure needed and maybe the same for you.
Thanks Ford, for your input! I truly appreciate it!
But see, the difference in your case is that your W is doing backflips to get things back on track and prove her love to you. My H wants to pretend it never happened. He doesn't understand why I am so upset about it since he chose me after the OW. He doesn't understand my insecurities. It leaves me feeling very ALONE. And, yes, it definately is an ego booster to see that someone else can be attracted to you. When the bomb dropped, I told my H that I notice him looking at other W and wanted to know if he was looking for attention. He claimed that he likes to look at beautiful people. What about me????? What the heck am I?????? He's never told me that I am beautiful! So, it's so nice to see that I haven't lost the touch and other men find me attractive.
I know how you feel, again lol. when my wife came home, she was a bitch on wheels. I was soo confused. I knew that I didnt want to hurt anymore, but her treatment was way out of bounds. so when she did something or said something rude or hurtful. I'd tell her in a non threatning way. she wanted to act like nothing ever happened, and I did too but I was still shell shocked over what had happened. any mention of what she did or how it afected the kids and she'd go balistic.
I finally told her, you don't like the guilt? the shame? then don't screw around. lol she didnt talk to me for a few days, but afterward she saw I had a limit to what i'd take.
am I healed? um. no. do I trust her? not really. I've found I don't worry about her when she is out of the house, I never check her cell, but I think it's more of extreme detachment, not trust. I mean trust is knowing from history that something will or won't happen. so can I say that I trust she won't do it again? history says no.
I'm in extreme limbo land anymore. I mean my wife does anything I ask and more . but I find myself not really caring. I don't know what that means for our future. I WANT to trust. I don't know how long I can stay in a trustless marriage. I don't throw it in her face, I do almost anything to not think about it with the exception of coming on these boards. I guess my gaurd is still up.
I look at her core character, how she is with others, and how she was in the past. she isnt evil, just did a really crappy thing. totally in unchartered waters here.
lol, all these words and I doubt I helped you at all.
feel free to hit me with other questions that you might have.
That's exactly how I feel too! I don't know if I can stay in a non trusting marriage. But, I am here, listening to what everyone has to say. I have been married for 9 years and in the 9 years, I have NEVER even thought twice about anyone else......until now. I met this guy at the grocery store where I frequent. I think he's interested in me and I certainly find it very appealing and very much needed for my ego. I keep telling my H that I need to feel special and I need to be wined and dined sometimes....but it doesn't happen. Yes, I know it's wrong to pursue someone else......but right now I am very upset with what he did. I don't trust him and I don't believe what he tells me. I don't know if I can live like this.
I'm hoping that this board can help me see things straight and help me make the right decisions about my marriage.
I am very hurt and dissapointed with his decision to cheat.
