I keep thinking how differently I feel this time than before. oddly, numbly, calm and "detached?"....more of a wait and see outlook than before when I blindly jumped back.
I wonder if my "backing off" the last month had anything to do with this....or if it's just ironic cosmic timing.
I do find it insulting though...and told him...that monster is more jealous of other female co-workers than she is of me. Projection, I guess. But how ironic is it that monster is more jealous of female co-workers than I am or have ever been? even now? In fact, she is more jealous of female co-workers than I am of her. odd.
Your h's use of phone sex disturbs me. As well as the other stuff. That is really a completely separate issue from the A, don't you think? Has he always had an unhealthy attachment to sex, or is that a by-product of the A?
It sounds like the OW is a sick individual and is leading him down some disturbing roads, but...all the same, he's an adult and he's willingly going.
Regarding how to handle the startup, I would stay detached. I personally think you are beyond traditional piecing--you should really be working on how to set a firm boundary and stick with it. He currently has no respect for your marriage and so it is not the appealing entity that it should be. It is a freebie zone, where he can go to crash after he completes all of his other activities. I don't see him ever quitting OW until your home is a place of respect and boundaries. In a really weird, sick way, the fact that you are so 'understanding' of his A encourages him to keep it going, instead of having the opposite effect--H thinks of the loving devoted wife and cuts if off. Your kind behavior enables him to continue being a selfish bastard. I would continue to make arrangements for life on your own, detach a bit and let him truly see and feel what life without Deb is like. I know he is breaking your heart but you are strong enough to pull this off. Ellie has written many times that once the LBS finally has had enough and that..change...happens in their heart, their spouse realizes it immediately and changes their course of action.
Quote: Ellie has written many times that once the LBS finally has had enough and that..change...happens in their heart, their spouse realizes it immediately and changes their course of action.
Well, gee, Hp, I'd say that's kinda what seems to be happening - Fizz reached the point where she started to think about life without him as an option, and he broke up with oW! Sometimes just the internal shift on the part of the LBS is enough to cause change.
And Fizz - love the part about your flirty email arriving at same time as OWs bitchy one. Proof again that it pays to make yourself look GOOD in comparison to OW. All too often, the nagging email is coming from the LBS while the flirty one from the OP - is it any wonder that approach doesn't work?
So Fizz - keep working on those financial goals - because even if things are absolutely fabulous with you and H, you'll be happier and have much better peace of mind in the future if you feel you have financial options.
As for the phone sex - worrisome, I agree, but I suspect it comes from the same place as the affair. I think a lot of men feel their libidos or sexual function starting to wane a little bit at this age, and they seem to be drawn to kinky stuff to compensate by increasing their arousal. He shouldn't be spending money on that stuff though when you guys are still in debt from his affair!!!
Hi HP, I also think the porno stuff is seperate....I am deducing (ASSuming?) the phone sex stuff from the pages that I saw that seemed to be "separated" from the mags....I've not seen any "hard" evidence. ew, that was a bad pun...
I understand about the change of heart....guess I'm hoping that's whats happened since I've been feeling so much calmer. I'm thinking about boundaries here as i type....boundaries are rules that govern our interactions with others...they are flexible, changeable depending on relationships and life circumstances. boundaries that are appropriate in one sitch arent necessarily appropriate in another. I can neither control h's behavior nor establish his boundaries for him. All I can do is decide what I have for a "bottom line", and how I will respond to what he does in his "realm of control"....I see boundaries as being different than ultimatums. Which is not to say that I believe boundaries arent important, they are, certainly, i just don't believe they are set in stone. so, I have set some boundaries, guess I just never wrote about them: She is never to set foot in my home again...I will post "no trespassing" signs (I think you must do this for it to be enforcable) and call the cops if she does (this is probably shaky ground, as he lives there also), she is to have NO CONTACT EVER with S...I will get a restraining order (have spoken w/Attorney about this...and now have medical documentation that she adversly affects his physical health, it's hard to prove emotional/mental); Any more harrassement at work (her elbowing in coffee room, following me, parking by me, etc.) I will report to the executive director....guess though are the main ones, but i'm prepared to follow through with out a 2nd thought.
When it comes to his interactions with her, since I have no control, my options are to stay or to leave. Currently it is not in my best interest in any way -except for justifying my anger at having been "betrayed" and "done wrong" and to meet my need to punish him- for me to leave.And perhaps some pity and drama from workers. Honestly, that is EXACTLY what I would gain. I have done lists and lists of pros and cons, and that is what comes through time after time. So, not to say that I disagree about boundaries, but that they look different from situation to situation, there's no one size fits all. And I'm not without the ones that seem to be best in my current situation. I will change them when I've gathered the resources I need to be able to effectively change my living situation. I dunno, maybe the "change of heart" has happened, and that's what is keeping my calm. Guess we'll see. musings from a tired mind here! bleh. Gonna go home shortly and fight the check book and move bedroom furniture. theres a refreshing break (not)
Quote: Well, gee, Hp, I'd say that's kinda what seems to be happening - Fizz reached the point where she started to think about life without him as an option, and he broke up with oW! Sometimes just the internal shift on the part of the LBS is enough to cause change.
I would like to think this is what's happening/happened, but I dont' know. I do know that I have been thinking a lot --lots and lots about what life could be like with out him....and come to the conclusion that it could have substantial perks. Maybe he senses this? dont know....I do know I am much much calmer, although still have hard times. dont' knwo if I posted this, but last weekend at one point when we were ml, I found myself letting my mind wander and thinking "I've had enough" (of the A, not ml) and to my horror, with out my thinking about it, heard myself say outloud very quietly "I'm leaving" ....h immediately said "what?"...i said "oh nothing" and changed the subject....but the next morning I woke up to him crawling back into bed fully dressed and saying "if you can be patient enough to give me two or maybe 3 more weeks I'll get this mess cleaned up and it will be just you and me again"...not sure if there's a connection???? my answer was calm then too...."that's what I want".
I HAVE to keep focused on the fianances and get it turned around, that must happen no matter what goes down between us. and, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to be the one to lead the way.
Gotta run, gotta get S and go to hosp. for diabetes ed/chck stuff.
Quote: heard myself say outloud very quietly "I'm leaving" ....h immediately said "what?"...i said "oh nothing" and changed the subject.
LOL!!! For at least a year after reconciliation, the words "I want a divorce" would pop into my head at random times, like driving - but I sure never said it out loud to my H!!!!
Quote: For at least a year after reconciliation, the words "I want a divorce" would pop into my head at random times, like driving - but I sure never said it out loud to my H!!!!
I really never intended to say that to him, especially at a time like that. The thought just popped into my mind and right out my mouth. I've certainly been rolling it over and over in my mind the last couple of months, "trying it on"....
It was an interesting weekend. H was very different....
Friday afternoon, I worked out with him ( I am going to get back into a regular routine!!!) and I had gone upstairs...he came up...made a special trip...and said "I just came up to tell you how great it is that you worked out"...I told him thanks, that his encouragement means a lot and helps a lot. Guess what????? He didnt "do paperwork" Saturday morning....uh huh, guess that confirms that suspicion. Commented that he wasnt going to drive over because it was raining (um, never stopped him before); I was nonchalant, but told him it was nice to have him home. He commented "I thought you might be ok with that". I did notice he slept in till 6 AM Saturday morning. I got groceries that morning, was gone about 2 hours, and found myself getting tearful over some sappy lost-love song they were playing in the store. thought "what the hell am I doing here?" and hurried home. Got home, told H I needed a hug...he asked if I was ok, I told him I'd just heard that sappy song and it made me feel sad, said "I guess I'm overly emotional right now"...and he just said, "no, I've had that happen to"...
Interestingly, while I was gone....H and S14 hauled a new weight bench I had bought him to the basement and started to put it together. THAT is amazing. I bought that for him for fathers day. It has sat outside on the porch in the box since then. I thought that was significant.
Sunday I had to run back to the store to grab an item for lunch, wasnt gone as long, but when I got home H came upstairs and said "hey, you should come see what I got done"...he had the new bench pretty much assembled and moved into place, AND he had torn out some of the old carpeting and put down more of the new rubber matting. My obervation is he is much more "into" "home" when w---- is out of the picture. I did work out Yesterday again, so that's about 2 weeks now that I've gotten in at least 3 workouts/treadmill sessions. maybe someday!!!
At one point, H made that comment that "it needed to end, it was getting to the point of being dangerous, almost a fatal attraction kind of thing"...I didnt ask any questions, but now I'm thinking maybe I should have asked what he meant. I watch my back, but maybe I need to be aware of something particular. Interestingly, I don't ask much about the A anymore. I guess I'm getting to the point of thinking it really doesnt interest me that much, or more like isnt worth my energy to focus on, I have much more important things to do. That is certainly a 180. My guess is that the monsterw---e's rages are more intense. Oh yeah, H did say she was whining about "my blood pressure"...she will stop at nothing to do the "guilt trip" number.
I did comment this morning that "I sure wasnt expecting to hear the news you shared Thursday evening, it is great, but I still have a hard time believing it". He said, "I know, but you'll come to". My comment was "How so?" and he said "because you will see".....I did mention "I just want US to be good", and his answer was "we are going to be PERFECT".
He also commented "there is so much I want to get done around the house here"....I did resist the urge to do a happy dance and shout "there's the broom/paintbrush/hammer". Having him DO something, anything, around the house would be darn near as good as having him get rid of the what the heck ever she is. I can't even think of a fitting word anymore. I continue to wait and watch. If he did show interest at home, not "do paperwork" on Saturdays, and the phone bill went down, I would start to believe.
Oh yeah, Friday at S's diabetes care appt.; S needed to call D. I went to give him my cell phone, and was looking for D's #. damned if the monster's numbers didnt come up, both home and cell. damned if S didnt accidently (I think)hit one...I said "not that one!" and he said "actually I'd like to call her sometime".... Needless to say, those #'s have been deleted from my phone. I had had an "odd" feeling that h had used my phone to call her, I think it looked as though it had been moved in my purse once. I always think I'm so suspicious, but then my suspicions always turn out to be true. I told H about finding them when I got home, and he didnt deny it or make excuses. I told him about S hitting the redial button and he said "well there you go, you guys encouraged her, she'll think I'm calling her"...he said it jokingly, but I told him that stunk and I didnt want to hear about it, and didnt appreciate him using my phone. he said there was nothing to worry about as it wouldnt be happening anymore. I hope!!!!
Interestingly, in spite of all his interest in sex in all forms, last night he initiated ml, and had trouble "finishing"....so, I don't know what to think really, hate to make too much of it, but it does certainly seem like you have a point, Ellie, when you talk about him needing the porn, etc., to "stir things up" due to "waning abilities"...
and thinking "I've had enough" (of the A, not ml) and to my horror, with out my thinking about it, heard myself say outloud very quietly "I'm leaving" ....h immediately said "what?"...i said "oh nothing" and changed the subject....but the next morning I woke up to him crawling back into bed fully dressed and saying "if you can be patient enough to give me two or maybe 3 more weeks I'll get this mess cleaned up and it will be just you and me again"...not sure if there's a connection???? my answer was calm then too...."that's what I want".