update from last weekend, this may be long...sorry
I had kind of a shock. It occurred to me that maybe it IS the sex with the A. I know he's said "it isnt really", but I think it is. I'm sure I am probably boring after all these years, overweight, and I know I don't know all the tricks she does. probably not even 1/2 of them. But, anyway, I was cleaning in our bedroom (as always) sunday, pulled out the bottom drawer of his night stand, and there were porno magazines. just 3, "medium core" I would say. but I also noticed pages of #'s for phone sex torn out. Then it hit me....THAT explains the times I'd come home and the bedroom door would be locked....then it hit me more....that explains the nearly empty big bottle of lotion on his dresser (I could never figure out how the heck he used that much lotion, since I never saw him touch it, duh) then, and I hope this isnt offensive, but I looked in the basket of "toys"....um, no way to say it delicately, so I'll just say it, there is a vibrator with a different tip put on it than what's always been used on it. Now, I could understand this if we didnt have sex, but we do, several times a week. not sure what to think except I do believe it is about the sex with monster.....the "difference", the newness, the excitement. Not sure what to think about it, but I think that's part of what it is.
I've been working on pulling back, being pleasant but not as "loving"...hard, I'm so not used to that these days. Wednesday evening last week, I was on the phone w/D and H was in the basement lifting weights. I heard him pick up the phone...obviously he was checking to see if he could call monster. that set the stage for my nerves to really be riled up! Thursday eve I had to work later, called home because he'd asked me to pick him up some beer and I didnt know what he wanted. phone was busy. I went home really ticked off, he was down stairs working out. S14 said he'd been the one on the phone, talking to SIL. Later D told me that was true. calmed me down, but I was still antsy. I was just beat on Friday, and not sure how we got off on the wrong foot in the evening, but somehow we did. I was going to the grocery store, and I commented "we'll be out of your hair so you can carry on however you want to"....old Deb, that's for sure...and he kind of sighed and said "All I'm going to do is lift weights"...oh, I know what hacked me off, I asked him if he was going to be gone Sat. AM and he said he was. I was just furious. If I wasnt broke, I'd have left and not gone home. thinking of having my own affair. When I got home we snipped some more.....I went off by myself in the family room to put some drawers together, he made the comment that it wasnt the time for us to have this discussion (around S) I said "it never is, we just ignore it all and talk around it and nothing ever changes"....D and SIL came over and I didnt even talk to them, just stayed to myself I was so upset. later H came to the family room, put his arms around me and tried to kiss and make up. Usually I do, this time I rebuffed him, told him I cant live like this and I am done. that I can't live with her in our lives anymore....asked him why he went back, he said he didnt know. Then he started saying it was because he didnt end it, and he has to be the one to end it. I told him it was his choice to end it, and he waffled and said it was because of all the pressure....I told him that was rediculous and I was done unless he decided it was over for good (premature, where the hell am I gonna go with 50cents to my name?). He got pissed and left. I went upstairs, to the bedroom, he came in about 9:20, asked if I was going to bed, I said I was and we got in bed. later he initiated sex (I know, I should probably say no) and when he was holding me he said "I'll get rid of her" I told him "and resent me for the rest of your life because of it? I dont' think so" and he said "no".....sometime later in the middle of the night he initiated sex again. I woke up Saturday morning when he was ready to leave the house, and he climbed in bed with me, completely dressed, put his arms around me, and said "if you can be patient enough to wait 2 or 3 weeks I'll get all of this cleaned up and be done with it and it will be just you and me again". I was pretty calm, just said "that is what I want" and he said he knew. when he came home we napped, I tried to "entice" him, but he was too tired, said from the night before ??????. we went to church in the evening, coming home he took my hand out of the blue and squeezed it really hard and said "ILY"....I got teary, said "thanks, ILY too", and he said "You dont' have to thank me, thank you"...didnt say much else. Sat. evening the kids came over and we watched an old movie, had a young damsel in distress being charmed by a villain reciting lines from a movie (The Rocketeer) and I commented "well that's always your first clue, when you recognize the lines from the script of a movie" and H sneered and said "or off the internet". I didnt say anything. Sunday, I did ask him if he meant would he had said, and he said yes. he said that his schedule is set for this week and he will have to "work" Saturday, but he is going to have more administrative time put in for next week, and tell his supervisor working on weekends is causing family problems (no, dear, your whore is causing family problems). Kinda sounds like an excuse to me, but we will see.
Tuesday this week was all staff meeting, which is always hard for me, and last months is the one that set off all the fire and brimstone when I realized they were back together from her obscene posturing to him...so this time, in the morning as we were getting dressed for work, he commented that my hair looked nice, said my bangs looked "better than they ever have"....when he was getting ready to leave he hugged me, said ILY, and I broke down and said "well if you have any encouragement to give, I can sure use it, because I have a hard time on staff meeting days"...he said "well you look beautiful today"...I have to say I was shocked, I think that is the 1st time he's ever told me that, ever. ever. I thanked him, and said it is hard because of "that woman", that she torments me and I still havent recovered from the last one....he asked what's she done now, I told him nothing since then, but I have PTSD from it, he said "I know, but I didnt see it"...
yesterday had really "spicy" emails --meaning suggestive....
