very strange, I can post here on the 2nd page of my thread, but can't on the last....weird. but anyway, thought I'd update a bit.... I am trying to do things differently, I havent left home because I'm not ready emotionally or financially, and I havent kicked H out for the same reason, but what I'm doing differently is to try to keep my focus on what I need to be doing for my self and for S14. Trying to "act as if" I'm detached from the sitch....working very hard to stay calm...most days I'm calm....but, I'm really focusing on getting the house more in order, finances in order, and weight loss and trying to get back into working out again.
I'm seeing some progress in just a couple of weeks, have our bedroom almost ready to repaint....ready to rearrange furniture. Am getting papers together, plan to do some of the finance stuff this week, and am signed up for a class.
I am trying to be more "backed off" from H....I think I am doing it....most nights this past week I did something different while he watched tv....I dont' know if that's good or not, since QT always seemed to be important to him....but we'll see. I do need to do stuff besides watch tv if I'm going to get done what I need to do....be nice if he'd join the cause, but....
He is sometimes comforting and warm. other times, I don't know, a million miles away. He still has gone to do his "paperwork" on Saturday mornings again....now, to 'fess up here, but also it sheds some light on the sitch....I was really ticked off (again) Saturday before this past one....just wondering about stuff, trying to make some sense of it all (useless, I know). H was gone working. I decided to "check it out"...so I snooped, and I went for where I knew the newest stuff would be...his brief case, which again he leaves in our bedroom....so yep, sure enough there in the pocket were new emails to the w---emonster. One from last november which was really hateful...basically telling her to get lost and calling her a whore....then the worm turns again. I found one from 5/3 talking about how they'd need to spend time together to try again, blah blah blah....how the feelings seem to come back when they are focused on good things.....crap. remember that is the time when I was upset because he wouldnt go out/do anything to celebrate our anniversary on 5/5? well gee whiz, I wonder why????? found a long letter from him to her, begging/ pleading that he is the person she fell in love with, he is as honorable as her father was (I swear there is incest in this womans past)...and joy of joys, how he just doesnt have the same feelings for me....that he knows I have those feelings....but he just doesnt. I have not acted on the urge to strangle him....but boy do I have news for him. Sometimes I don't feel a damn thing but disgust for his sorry butt. not one damn thing. Being in the mode of thinking of what I need to be doing to protect myself, I took the emails, and have them stashed with my other "stuff"....gonna have it in good ole black & white if i decide to find a scorched earth attorney. She is back at work after her vacation, interestingly I have not seen hide nor hair of her, I used to see her a couple of times a day. I've not told H I checked out these emails. alluded to it, but he didnt pick up on it....best to let it go, anyway. I suspect he still/is back to calling her in the mornings. try to ignore it....usually I do, last friday am before work I was having a hard time though, didnt say a word, but he noticed I was reserved, quiet, something, and asked me what was wrong. I told him "I just have a hard time with this other stuff"....he said "I'm trying to figure out what you're so fired up about"...told him "I'm not fired up, I just have a hard time with the other stuff"...and he said "well, the other stuff is going to end"....I didnt answer, thinking I've heard it all somewhere before....but he did say "you're right, I can't be happy focusing on other things, it needs to be here." and "she's getting tired of me not going there" (uh, yep, heard that one before too)....so focus, focus, focus....I must do what I need to do for me....money wise, health wise, and gotta get S14 taken care of. Interestingly though, last week I was at D's house, when I left I drove by the cutest little house for sale about 4 blocks from where she lives. I swear, I was overcome with wishing I could just buy that house and go there and start over on my own. just do what I want without worrying about his sorry @ss.
That said, I have been suggesting gently at every opportunity that he get his thyroid checked. He is complaining about all kinds of aches and pains again, joints and muscles and being depressed. When he does, I suggest pleasantly that "gosh, maybe you should think about getting that checked out"...and he's beginning to say "maybe I should"...a day or so ago, he even said "I should probably get my colesteral checked too"...so we'll see.
Did I mention I am sick of this? I did have the thought though that I should change my name to "Timex"....you know, "takes a licking and keeps on ticking"...then I had the demented thought that I should start dropping annonymous notes in monsterw---e's mail box: tick tock tick tock
tick tock tick tock
one a day for the rest of her obnoxious days. let her figure it out.
