Dang this is hard. I was feeling more at peace with "whatever" .... then it hits me, I still love him, and I still want him. not anyone else, him. Not "my own life", the life we've built together with improvements. I know it's pathetic, but it's what is. I suppose it is all over now.... sigh
Dang, this is so hard. I was feeling more at peace with "whatever", then it hits me hard: I still love him and I still want him. i want him...not someone else, him. I don't want "my own life", I want the life we've built together all these years (with improvements)... Pathetic I know, but it's the truth. and therein is my ambivalence. I suppose it's all over now. sigh
I hope you didn't read my post as totally negative.
I don't think your marriage is "down the tubes". I DO think there is hope. But only if your husband has a "life altering experience"....right now he is rockin' on with how he has been allowed to do for the past several years. You allow it, Monster allows it.
I was once told by a therapist that for a person to really change, to "wake up and smell the roses" so to speak, that a "life altering experience" needs to occur. I think in this case, that would mean you asking him to leave or you leaving. He has to be given the opportunity to see for himself what life without Deb would be like. I bet he would really miss you.
At this point in time, you cannot worry about him and his finances. He doesn't worry about yours, so stop worrying about his. Worry about Deb and DS. I'll bet the financial advisor can help you figure out a way to make ends meet, and then you should just "go for it".
I think I see that you are afraid if you actually kick him out or leave yourself, that he will run to her and never look back. Possibly he may, but that doesn't mean that he will stay with her. Right now, he only sees life with her thru rose colored glasses. My guess is those glasses may come off real quick once the "thrill" of the affair is gone. JMHO. sometimes the OW needs to be given the opportunity to cook her own goose.
And stop letting him blame YOU and the kids for his obvious mental problems. A man who blames his own children for his need to stray has serious problems. Not nice!
Since he can't seem to make a decision between you and monster, why not make the decision for him? I can promise you, he will respect you more if you do. Marriage can only survive and be healthy between two people who respect each other.
Hi Cupcake... no, I didnt take your post to be negative. it is pretty much on target, I'm just having a hard time accepting that we've coem to this. I REALLY thought we'd made it, last fall (been tough since the kids moved in, yes)....
Just hard to reconcile it all, I guess.
yeah, I know, he really needs a "Come to Jesus" moment. I'm guessing he will go to the w---e....i thought she'd already cooked her own goose, but I guess not.
ah, interesting note though, regarding the slime bag....I mentioned this in another email but not here. In yesterday's local paper, in the "monday magazine" section, the cover feature article was about a couple who just got married in colorado at a car race. I didn't realize who it was until H emailed and asked if I'd seen the article about SB, and commented "looks like he's doing ok"....SB in the x-live-in bf that monster/w---e dumped for H. he moved her here from out of state. I have heard about the wild sexual excapades of the two of them. monster/w lived with him for about 2.5 years, he wanted to marry her, she wanted his house. h came along, and she dumped him. OK, the interesting twist is, the gal he just married is the gal he was with for years (according to the paper they dated since 1990-yikes)before monster came along. Not sure exactly what that says, but think it says something.
When H came grumping in the door last night, I told him I hadnt realized who it was till he told me....h just said "yeah, he spent a lot of money on his car". later I noticed that section of the paper was turned cover down.
doesn't mean the man can't come to his senses in the future, if you are indeed still willing to keep him in your life. You call the shots for your own life.
Take some power back in your own life. You will feel so much better.
Okay, Deb, how's this for an action plan? 1) Make an appointment with your doctor. Ask to be tested for thyroid disease (a FULL panel including TSH, FREE T4, FREE T3, and thyroid antibodies) and ask for a cortisol test to rule out Cushing's disease. Also ask for antibody tests for celiac disease (remember it's more common in relatives of Type 1 diabetics) and ask to be screened for any signs of diabetes yourself. I say all this because A) it's important to keep yourself healthy through all this and B)it's so rare for a person here not to be able to lose weight after the bomb that I have to assume you have something wrong with your metabolism.
2) Go to the library THIS WEEK and take out Your Money or Your Life by Dominguez. It's a short read and will inspire you. Also then take out any book by Dave Ramsey on debt-free living, and go online and find a webcast of his radio show. Ignore H's BS about you being solely responsible for the debt (that's the advantage of him sticking his head in the sand and leaving you solely responsible for managing the money, isn't it - he gets deniability!) and just focus on making a PLAN. I bet H will relax once he sees a plan in place and being executed. (Make sure part of the plan is to put away a little secret stash for yourself, in case H goes off the cliff). (I also like The Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn).
3) Take a moment to think about what approaches have or haven't worked successfully for you in the past for weight loss. Do you know what works, or has everything you tried failed? Maybe a 180 is in order - if you tend to eat lowfat/high carb, maybe you should try an Atkins-type diet? (Or vice versa?) My new thyroid doctor recommended a book, The Rosedale Diet, which is a low-carb, high "good fats" diet. I'm just starting it, but I did find a good online community for low-carb dieters (sorry, don't have the link, but I think it is low carb friends). Or take a look at Flylady's site - she has some kind of weight loss thing going on there in addition to the housecleaning stuff.
4) Commit to getting out of the house with a girlfriend once or twice a month.
Okay - I know it seems like all i'm doing is telling you to work on you - but that's ALL you have control over! And you would be happier with these things under control, no matter what happens to the marriage.
As for attorney stuff - even if your state is a community property state, it may not work out "50/50" like you think. Here in California, which is a community property state, there still seem to be allowances for alimony, allowing the custodial parent to remain in the family home until the minor child is grown, etc. Maybe you need to visit another attorney for a second opinion there.
Wow Fizzled, having a hard time keeping up on the action on your thread. I'm also having a hard time getting my head around your H's reasoning(?), as I'm sure you are too. I don't think he's going to get much understanding or mercy here. (They don't have a Graemlin for slap up the back of the head "WTF were you thinking". Probably best. Let's use this one. )
Hi Ellie, thanks...yes, this is a plan "start" anyway... so here's my thought... Dr: I have to call today anyway to request some info sent to insurance for diabetes stuff, so will ask for this. I did have an appt scheduled about a month ago that I had to cancel, and the re-sched. couldnt be done till sept...
Finances: I will get the book this week; I have "money makeover" by ramsey...and listen to him on the radio often. I didnt get a whole lot new out of that book other than the debt snowball idea and that I didnt do our budget down to the penney and probably should have. Are there other books he's done?
diet: I absolutely don't seem to be able to do carbs, no matter what weight watchers or anyone else says, including the hospital dietician. I gain like a balloon. I started back on atkins last weekend, have a nice purple keto stick. scale may have dropped a bit, maybe 4 lbs. which considering I didnt eat for 3 and 1/2 days, doesnt seem like much. I've gotten back on the damn treadmill. I had tried atkins years ago, with some luck, but I got the info from the original book which I had a hard time following, but now have more (clearer) info from the web. I understand it better, plus have enough knowledge to shift to lower/good fat proteins. so we'll see. I just need instant results (sigh). FWIW, I did lose after the original bomb, about 40 pounds in probably 2.5 months. have kept off 1/2 of it.... Household: I subscribe to flylady, have been doing it for 6 months, incorporating it in babysteps...and it has helped. I've seen the "body clutter" book and journal, thought of ordering it, maybe i will do that today. No matter what, it all comes down to I could use more hours in the day and more hands on deck. When I said the house was a mess the other day, I guess part of what I meant was it's just "blah" when compared to what i want...there is an issue with clutter in the basement and bedrooms...working on bedrooms right now, we were doing the basement together before we went to get the kids last winter,got sidetracked & havent gotten back, which was one of H's beefs last week. my fault of course.... but we need paint and carpet replacement and shrubs trimmed and leaky faucets fixed...and he aint gonna do it, guess I need to try to find money to hire it done...that will have to wait, though.
Get out of house: havent done it. need to. need to think about how to do this. period
Thanks Phoenix. I'm trying to hang tough, loose, everything all over. I'm having a hard time, as evidenced here. I'd like to smack him in the back of the head and kick him in rear...and I won't even go there to say what I could do to monsterw---e.
WHEW, OK a lot of emotion here. This may have been covered. I apologize if it was.
1) Your H has had a long ongoing affair 2) Y'all don't get along very well 3) He broke it off with the OW, but she is still hounding him.
Is he still seeing the OW? If not I would not get too upset about the calls and her purusing him. Since I have broke it off with the OW, I have gotten the full gamut of emotions from her. One day she will tell me she knows it's over and wishes me well. The next day she hates me. The next she loves and wants to do anything to make "us" work. It is very tough to break it off with the OW.
Your H probably feels "stuck" now. It makes him grumpy. You need to give him hope in your marriage. Not by what you say, but by what you do. The best way to change other people is to change yourself.
You seem to have a lot of anger at this situation. That is understandable. Anger is part of the healing process, but I think you need to let go of some of that anger. I can't tell you how to do that. Maybe others can.
Think of it this way, if you keep doing the same thing and get the same results...how can you expect change?
I do not know the depth of your situation, but I would hold off on divorce talk and thoughts. If you honestly get to that point, the lawyers will be waiting.
But you are leaving the door open for a divorce by even talking about it and pursuing it.
As far as Atkins. Man it worked for me. I lost 65 pounds and have kept it off. I do not stay on it 365. I will stick with it strictly when I see my wieght get past a certain point, then I will just monitor what I eat.
Hope some of this helps and I'm not too far off base.
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