Dang, this is so hard. I was feeling more at peace with "whatever", then it hits me hard: I still love him and I still want him. i want him...not someone else, him. I don't want "my own life", I want the life we've built together all these years (with improvements)... Pathetic I know, but it's the truth. and therein is my ambivalence. I suppose it's all over now. sigh
