I've been trying to log in all afternoon, I seem to be having a terrible time all of a sudden, the site won't let me on... I don't have much time, have to run to a meeting, but I sure appreciate all your support. it was a rough weekend. will try to update in a minute. but.... Ellie, you said:
Quote: You know, don't you, that this really isn't about your weight or your imperfections? Most likely, right now, it's about the loss of attention. You (quite rightly) had to switch your attention to son and his diabetes, (and before that had your daughter and SIL there) and H is so needy that he has to get that attention somewhere, so he gets it from her.
yes, finally, I do realize this. that's one of the reasons it was a rough weekend, I quit "validating" and told him those are all justifications for his behavior...that it will always be something with him at this point, that he will have to decide if he's "in" or "out" because I can't live the rest of my life being jerked around by some little whim that doesnt go right in his life.
Where I'll go from here, or what I'll do, I don't know, I'm kind of treading water at the moment. I spoke to an att. a little over a yr ago, and at that time what I was told was that in KS, everything is split down the middle...50/50... the most that I could get in my favor would be the judge to rule "no contact" for S with the w---e. In discussion this weekend, h said he wouldnt file for residential custody, but only for "joint"...commented "there's no reason not"...however, I'm not so sure about that....I don't know what a judge would say about the choice to call the wh--e rather than help me get critically ill S to the hospital. and I have it in black and white, the phone bill with the times of the phone calls, the hospital admission logs and med records would be indisputable. Plus, my understanding is that emotional stress can potentially trigger type 1 diabetes.
so, update: (sorry, long, from an email conversation i've been having with a friend today): Thursday nite, I was not very calm, lost it a lot...after all this time you'd think I could manage to stay calm...I got the same old story about it being all my fault for everything...too fat, didnt work out enough, too much debt (which he swears he didnt know about, which is not true....)too controlling, just like his mother...interfering in his life....
I should have just listened, but didnt....reminded him of times i've asked for his help, etc....of course he would hear none of it.
Everybody in his life is controlling, always have been, he's 51 years old and nobody is gonna tell him what to do anymore, the kids living with us caused all the problems to come up again; "it" (A) didnt end naturally, she pressured him to choose, so he chose me, and now it's not entirely over...WTF?????? I havent cleaned the house enough (it is a mess, but if mr. wonderful would lift a finger it would help. he actually had the nerve to tell me the clean dishes needed to be unloaded from the dishwasher. I did manage to respond "yes, I'm sure they do" and drop the subject. at one point when I went in the door from the back yard, he was still outside...he had the nerve to tell me "close that" like I was going to leave it open.
I asked him what he thought would happen with all the phone calls (which I'm sure have been going since april, at least) and he said "that you would mind your own business and stay out of it and it would die down and be over and you would never know" said he called her because he felt guilty about all the animosity at work, he missed her, and now they were "friends"...he said "you can't just leave it behind and go on when you work at the same place"
...I went ballistic when I heard that, screamed "you can't be friends, NO CONTACT, you will be back down there soon if you arent already, and you know it"...told him it HAS TO END and I have to know and be able to trust that it has. he grumped that I would never trust him...told him he could help me and gave suggestions as to how.
later he admitted "you're right, I would have been seeing her again"...
I told him I am willing to do what it takes to work on us, but he HAS to let her go...asked him why when he tells her "leave me and my family alone" he can't make it stick, he said "that's a good question"...never did answer....
so basically, I told him I need to know what he's going to do, he can commit to working on us and get rid of her, or he can chose not to and have her (at one point I was screaming he could have his whore and he kept saying "that's not what I want" and I kept yelling back "it's what you chose, so enjoy!)
At one point he said "I want us to work out, I want us to be a couple....said he wants me to hike with him (I hate that, always will even if I can get skinny)...I asked how far, he said "as far as I want to go"...at one point was bawling that he would have to give up all his dreams because of the debt...he would never be able to live in our vacation town*...said he thought "maybe some of it is mid-life stuff"...told me if I kept pushing and pressuring I would push him away.
at one point I was almost asleep, caught myself whining "don't leave" and he mumbled back "I won't", but who knows. the final "deal" is that he has until the whore comes back from vacation to let me know if he is going to tell her to move on or not. His lower back is hurting, that's my fault also, because of all the stress and tension. The whore never calls names in an argument, he has to give her credit for that, he said (guess being called a sleazy slimy bastard really bothered him)...
When we went out to eat with the kids, I swear he was grumpy most of the time, the thought occured to me that he wouldnt be so grumpy if he was keeping the wh--e, but who knows. I hardly had a good-bye from him this morning.
I have managed to calm down, since Saturday AM,for the most part, we slept most of the morning we were so exhausted, and then went to the party. I didnt say a word about it yesterday at all.
have gotten back on the treadmill, restarted Atkins...need to do it for me, I never should have let myself get so off track. I'd noticed the wh--e has lost weight, she flaunts it....
Of course, he doesnt believe me about the little display she put on for my benefit at the staff meeting...just cant' believe she'd do that.
I did try to call for a consult w/an attorney, re financial info.. H did got upset when I said I'd called for an att. appt., thought I meant for D....never heard back from the att.,
*I cant imagine wanting to live in the tourist trap anyway.
This past weekend was S's 14th bday...thus the family party and going out to eat with the kids....
