Quote: I hate know that, in my W's mind, that I and my treatment of my W IS the problem. So much for me knowing what the F I am doing. Clearly I don't.
you are correct. IN YOUR W's MIND is where this all lives. Not in the real world. IN her dream world.
Clearly that is our marital problem. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. One way is to speak my truth and step on her toes in speaking my truth and possibly lose my W and M while gaining a real sense of self. The other way is to shut my mouth and go back to the marital dynamics that led me here in the first place. There must be a third way that I cannot get my arms or mind around right now. Will you help me envision what I cannot?
Quote: Clearly you DO know what you are doing because you recognize everything you do and make plans to change it. You are way ahead of the gam HH, way ahead.
I think so much like you do, kind sir. My problem is that I often voice my views in ways that are received as judgemental and /or condescending which serves NO purpose. Again, I am working on figuring out how to deliver my views in a manner in which they will be better received. Ugh! So much about me is in dire need of change.
Quote: As far as the 'afraid of you' think. She is afraid of being JUDGED by you. Think about it. She knows in her heart that even though you'r A was wrong SHE is doing the same amount of wrong, or even more, because she flaunts it in front of her kids. There is a quiet place insode all of us where we can NOT lie to ourselves and she fears that place, not you. She's afraid YOU will say or do something that makes her visit that place.
I believe this also. I believe that she is running scared. She is afraid that her mask that she has been wearing to fool others and herself in to believing she is happy and "all together" and that facade will fade away if she takes a good, hard look at it and herself. Running is easier. Staying busy is easier. Stopping and taking a behavioral and moral inventory has to be a terrifying proposition for her...so she runs, pushing her H and M away.
Quote: A good healthy fear if you ask me.
I don't know how good and healthy that fear is if it keeps her running from me, from her children, and from the real world. But then again, if this is the life she chooses, then I am better off to keep on movin' on rather than to keep on keepin' on. I won't take my old M back. I won't take the old me back and that is why I am working so hard to make my necessary changes. I won't take my W back with her same behavior. ALL of that is only a certain recipe for disaster. I don't want a disaster. I want a marriage that is based on respect, love, admiration, adoration, affection, affirmation, giving, fun, friendship, support, acceptance, equality and kindness. Taking any of that old "stuff" back will only ensure marital failure and heartbreak. I have had enough of that. I, my W and my family deserve better.
Quote: Keep going man. stay doing exactly what you are doing.
I will keep doing what I am doing, only I hope to do it better. I will work to eliminate negative impact and consequences from me stating my views, giving my opinion, protecting our children and/or standing up for myself. I want to talk to others, especially my W and family, in a way that I will not look back and believe that I didn't speak in a very proper, clear, adequate and respectful manner. As long as I won't look back and say, you know, there was at least one other way I could have communicated my message better.
I've decided that I'd rather deliver my message properly 5 seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months late than to communicate my message realtime in the wrong way. As Amy says, I talk too much. I sometimes think that I get mesmerized with my own ideas and the sound of my own voice and my mough goes on autopilot to the detriment of the recipient and myself.
In closing, Frank, I KNOW that my W is back on the internet dating services. She JUST broke up with OM and she's already back at it. Says she needs girl time. I guess girl time is chasing guys in bars with girlfriends. I am not sitting in judgement of her for this. Obviously, this is what she feels she needs to do. She did the same thing when she found out about my A.
Strangely, I have made the choice to NOT be hurt by her behavior. I have decided to safeguard my heart and have decided that I, not her behavior, control my emotions and responses. Perhaps she will not be satisfied until she chokes my will to stand for my M out of me. I will stand until she drives that last nail into the door of her heart and The Lord tells me that her heart is hardened and I must move on. Until then, I will safeguard my heart, act from grace and kindness, respond rather than react, love my W unconditionally, and pray a hedge of thorns around my W. Everything is in God's hands.
Quote: you are correct. IN YOUR W's MIND is where this all lives. Not in the real world. IN her dream world.
Clearly that is our marital problem. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. One way is to speak my truth and step on her toes in speaking my truth and possibly lose my W and M while gaining a real sense of self. The other way is to shut my mouth and go back to the marital dynamics that led me here in the first place. There must be a third way that I cannot get my arms or mind around right now. Will you help me envision what I cannot?
First off, the 'way' is a mixture of both. Speak the truth and always be respectful when you do. And remember there is a time and place for everything so you'll know when to stay quiet and when to speak it.
Second , regarding memories. This is something my coulselor told me way at the 'beginning' about how to deal with the old negative memories. She said that we really don't remember actions or events unless they were traumatic and something triggers it, or if the action or event is repeated. So, make NEW memories. Which of course is what you are doing. The NEW memories are what she is seeing.
Quote: I think so much like you do, kind sir. My problem is that I often voice my views in ways that are received as judgemental and /or condescending which serves NO purpose. Again, I am working on figuring out how to deliver my views in a manner in which they will be better received. Ugh! So much about me is in dire need of change.
What? and you think you're special or something? LIke we ALL aren't in need of change here? Welcome to 'Club DB, a club for change'
Quote: I believe that she is running scared. She is afraid that her mask that she has been wearing to fool others and herself in to believing she is happy and "all together" and that facade will fade away if she takes a good, hard look at it and herself. Running is easier. Staying busy is easier. Stopping and taking a behavioral and moral inventory has to be a terrifying proposition for her...so she runs, pushing her H and M away.
And when it catches up with her, which it WILL, it will hit her like a freight train. You need to be consistent and that will speed up the process. You've REMOVED all of her 'justification' for her actions. That's gotta hurt. Can't run forever.
That's why she brought up the Affair the other day. Needed to 're-charge' her 'justification battery'. What does that tell you about her current self image?
Quote: I will keep doing what I am doing, only I hope to do it better. I will work to eliminate negative impact and consequences from me stating my views, giving my opinion, protecting our children and/or standing up for myself. I want to talk to others, especially my W and family, in a way that I will not look back and believe that I didn't speak in a very proper, clear, adequate and respectful manner. As long as I won't look back and say, you know, there was at least one other way I could have communicated my message better.
Amen.
Quote: I've decided that I'd rather deliver my message properly 5 seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months late than to communicate my message realtime in the wrong way. As Amy says, I talk too much. I sometimes think that I get mesmerized with my own ideas and the sound of my own voice and my mough goes on autopilot to the detriment of the recipient and myself.
Yep, I am learning this also and sometimes it is sooooo hard to shut up! Luckily my W is able to vocalize when I'm being that way and help me change it - without anger or judgement.
Quote: In closing, Frank, I KNOW that my W is back on the internet dating services. She JUST broke up with OM and she's already back at it. Says she needs girl time. I guess girl time is chasing guys in bars with girlfriends. I am not sitting in judgement of her for this. Obviously, this is what she feels she needs to do. She did the same thing when she found out about my A.
Remember, she is acting like a teenager. Think of her in those terms. Acting out, getting her oen way. Don't tolerate it when it interferes with your life. Other than that you can't do much except stay away from her.
IN spite of the 'dating site' crap, I think she is starting to worry.
Quote: you are correct. IN YOUR W's MIND is where this all lives. Not in the real world. IN her dream world.
Clearly that is our marital problem. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. One way is to speak my truth and step on her toes in speaking my truth and possibly lose my W and M while gaining a real sense of self. The other way is to shut my mouth and go back to the marital dynamics that led me here in the first place. There must be a third way that I cannot get my arms or mind around right now. Will you help me envision what I cannot?
First off, the 'way' is a mixture of both. Speak the truth and always be respectful when you do. And remember there is a time and place for everything so you'll know when to stay quiet and when to speak it.
I am learning this now. Unfortunately, when I am feeling really hurt by her behavior I lose the ability to curtail the judgemental, condescending A-hole in me. Grrrr. One good thing is that I have unearthed my ability to detach lovingly more often. I need to do that ALL the time, NOT just more often! I am gettin' there though, tryin' to UN-ingrain my troublesome ingrained habits/behavior to the point where these new behavior are "normal" for me and what I resort to in a moment of crisis.
Quote: Second , regarding memories. This is something my coulselor told me way at the 'beginning' about how to deal with the old negative memories. She said that we really don't remember actions or events unless they were traumatic and something triggers it, or if the action or event is repeated. So, make NEW memories. Which of course is what you are doing. The NEW memories are what she is seeing.{/quote]Thank you Frank, for sharing valuable insights/perspectives from you counseling session. Where do I sent the check for your counselor helping me. You are absolutely right. I AM creating NEW memories. Good ones to replace the sh*tty ones. Nice.
Quote:
Quote: I think so much like you do, kind sir. My problem is that I often voice my views in ways that are received as judgemental and /or condescending which serves NO purpose. Again, I am working on figuring out how to deliver my views in a manner in which they will be better received. Ugh! So much about me is in dire need of change.
What? and you think you're special or something? LIke we ALL aren't in need of change here? Welcome to 'Club DB, a club for change'
LOL. Of course I thinK I am special "or something." Nah, I am just shocked at the amount of clay I have in me to work with to build the man that God always intended for me to be. A LOT!! Never realized how much "material" I had to work with to change until I started really doing an inventory of myself. Sheesh! Oh well, could be worse. I could be oblivious instead of just a newby in re-building me.
Quote:
Quote: I believe that she is running scared. She is afraid that her mask that she has been wearing to fool others and herself in to believing she is happy and "all together" and that facade will fade away if she takes a good, hard look at it and herself. Running is easier. Staying busy is easier. Stopping and taking a behavioral and moral inventory has to be a terrifying proposition for her...so she runs, pushing her H and M away.
And when it catches up with her, which it WILL, it will hit her like a freight train. You need to be consistent and that will speed up the process. You've REMOVED all of her 'justification' for her actions. That's gotta hurt. Can't run forever.
I believe you are correct. I am working on re-inforcing my spiritual foundation so that I will be able to remain standing for my and my M when her behavioral earthquakes again shake me badly. I am working diligently to be able to keep myself open to reconciliation.
A really good friend of mine, whom I respect greatly, told me a couple of days ago that I am incredibly strong because he would never have been able to stand for the mistreatment that has been heaped upon me without ANY slack being affored me. He used some choice words as to how he would have handled my situation. Fortunately, I have been able to err on the side of grace for the most part with my W.
Quote: That's why she brought up the Affair the other day. Needed to 're-charge' her 'justification battery'. What does that tell you about her current self image?
I do believe that she did need to 're-charge' her 'justification battery', but I did not provide the re-charging station she was looking for. I stated my truth calmly, made sure she knew that I love her, and listened when she told me that she understood why I stepped out on my M. I discussed a little of what I have learned about affairs in general and specifically how it applied to me. She listened and offered insight on what she feels she is still missing from me. THAT convo was FAR more information about her thoughts and feelings than I have ever received to date in my sitch. Her self image is sh*t. Hence, she's still trying to pump it up by flaunting her a$$ to men so they will tell her how pretty she is and all that they would do for her. THIS behavior IS teenage behavior, she behaved similarly when she was a teenager, trying to gain a sense of self worth from men b/c her father was emotionally unavailable and her older brother is a jacka$$, and was when she was growing up, too.
Quote:
Quote: I will keep doing what I am doing, only I hope to do it better. I will work to eliminate negative impact and consequences from me stating my views, giving my opinion, protecting our children and/or standing up for myself. I want to talk to others, especially my W and family, in a way that I will not look back and believe that I didn't speak in a very proper, clear, adequate and respectful manner. As long as I won't look back and say, you know, there was at least one other way I could have communicated my message better.
Amen.
Thank you.
Quote:
Quote: I've decided that I'd rather deliver my message properly 5 seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months late than to communicate my message realtime in the wrong way. As Amy says, I talk too much. I sometimes think that I get mesmerized with my own ideas and the sound of my own voice and my mough goes on autopilot to the detriment of the recipient and myself.
Yep, I am learning this also and sometimes it is sooooo hard to shut up! Luckily my W is able to vocalize when I'm being that way and help me change it - without anger or judgement.
For me, my W sees me better than I see myself when she is in a calm and rational state of mind. Unfortunately, often she is not in that state of mind. However, even during our sitch, she does see that I am working to change and offers her perspective and encouragement. I just wish that would come without anger and/or judgement, especially since I AM working to change and encouragement works much better with me.
Quote:
Quote: In closing, Frank, I KNOW that my W is back on the internet dating services. She JUST broke up with OM and she's already back at it. Says she needs girl time. I guess girl time is chasing guys in bars with girlfriends. I am not sitting in judgement of her for this. Obviously, this is what she feels she needs to do. She did the same thing when she found out about my A.
Remember, she is acting like a teenager. Think of her in those terms. Acting out, getting her oen way. Don't tolerate it when it interferes with your life. Other than that you can't do much except stay away from her.
THAT is the key; to NOT tolerate her behavior when it interferes with my life. Again, I am working to lovingly detach and to stay away from her b/c the shapnel from her unseemly behavior hurts too much to witness and have rubbed in my face. Each day I get stronger. I just hope she is able to get ahold of her emotions and claim her H and her M before it's too late.
Quote: IN spite of the 'dating site' crap, I think she is starting to worry.
I thinks she is too.
Story: Last night when she told me she wanted to go out and she wanted me to be with our children, she said that I would probable take them to church with me. She knows I ALWAYS do, even when she has them on Sunday I pick them up and take them with me and drop them off back with her. But I digress.... We were shopping today for D5's Bday and my W asked me to play some Christian music that is often on my car and that my D sings all the time. I put it on for her and she listened and seemed pleased, telling me she liked the songs that I pointed out the really touched me in church. My D was singing one day in my bathroom the song by Chris Tomlin, Holy is the Lord, and it really caught my attention b/c I didn't realize that she had memorized the song from listening to it when she rides with me. My favorite experience is when I look in my rearview mirror and she is singing the verse Holy is the Lord, God almighty. The earth is filled with His glory. When D sings this verse she has the biggest smile on her face while she is belting it out at the top of her lungs. Absolutely adorable. Obviously my W was similarly impacted. I love our children. The Lord works on the Lord's time, not mine. It is helpful to keep my eyes open to take notice of the smallest bit of movement in our sitch by my W rather than being a whiny, poor is me a$$wipe! I've got my eyes open to validate and encourage change.
Took our children to church this morning and ran into our mutual friend outside of the nursery where I drop off our youngest. Our friend asks me if D is going to "that child"(TC)'s Bday party. TC is the D of my W's friend that my W had a big blow up with and then they were not friends for over a year. Well, during our sitch, D decides to rekindle a couple of old friendships that ended similarly badly. Anyway, I don't dislike TC, I only dislike the manner is which she is raised and the awful behavior that is tolerated by TC's parents. I blame TC's parents. Regardless, I made it know it my W that re-kindling her friendship with her F wouldn end in disaster like it did the first time and that I did NOT want my D to re-kindle her friendship with TC because they are AWFUL influences on e/o. Regardless, W decided to do what she wanted to do regardless of my feelings.
W obviously communicated my feelings to our mutual friend because she asked me about D going to TC's party and who was taking her, me or W? I said me, and mutual friend said that's probably best. I was taken aback. Mutual friend said I don't like that woman (W's friend) either and agree with you that the relationship is a ticking time bomb. I said, you obviously know my feelings and I think it's best if I don't say anything. I said, besides, W didn't listen to me and did what she wanted to do anyway. Mutual friend said, "Oh, she listened to you and heard every word you said, believe me. She actually does respect what you see and say." I only thought, "Hmmm...." to myself. Now, I truly respect this mutual friend and what she has to say. I have often wondered what W tells her and what her thoughts are, but have NEVER, absolutely NEVER initiated a conversation with her or her husband. BOTH of them have initiated conversations and I have really limited my part of the conversation b/c ANYTHING and everything I say seems to get regurgitated to my W all F-ed up and then added to by my W to further F up what was an innocuous comment or statement. I learned my lesson a long time ago on this. Once bitten, twice shy. Anyway, I'll take our mutual friend's comments as truth as she had no reason to tell me otherwise AND I'll take that truth as another sign of a small step in a postive direction in our sitch.
Later on in the day, we went shopping and my W became grouchy all of a sudden. I asked her what the problem was and she said she felt like we weren't accomplishing anything shopping for D's school clothes. I didn't say anything except to ask her what would you rather be doing instead? I can't help but be suspicious that she is already on to a new flavor of the month (FOM). More likely though, she is still feeling the sting from being jilted by OM, whom she put ahead of her own childrens' needs and well-being. Hopefully she learned a valuable lesson. Time will tell.
She decided to tell me about her night out and how EVERYONE was guessing her to be 24 years old. I told her that's the advantage of being in a bar. She thought I was talking about people being drunk and guessing age. Actually, although I didn't say this, I was talking about the bar being DARK, ment being drunk and men trying to hook up. All 3 of those lead men to compliment with a lie. Don't get me wrong, my W IS beautiful, and in a bar she probably could pass for 24, but not in good light. This whole episode is an illustration of her being deathly afraid of getting older and not being the single, childless, thong bikini bathing suit wearin' 19 year old. As I approached my 40th birthday, she asked me how I felt about being 40. I simply replied that's it's better than the alternative. She asked, what's that? I said taking a long dirt nap. I'm happy reaching each and every birthday; means I am still here. Different perspectives to getting older. Both perspective drive behavior. I'd rather behave my way instead of looking for "validation" in bars from strangers. BTW, don't get me wrong. I have two family members who are retired police officers. Unfortunately, I do believe, based on what I know and have read, that what my W said, although stereotypical, is more right than wrong.
She further explained that they ran into some cops and told me what dirtbags they are, in general. I played along facetiously saying really? Cops? Players? No! I told her if that were true then there wouldn't be so many badge bunnies. She said badge bunnies? What's that? I simply said what does it sound like? She said women who chase badges because they find the badge attractive. I said exactly. Everything she has told me about her relationship is exactly what I foresaw happening from a mile away. I pretty much stayed away and kept my mouth shut and the R took the path I believed it would. Same goes for now. I need to detach lovingly, love our children, stand firm and GAL. I am coming together. I pray my W comes together in time to save our M.
As I said, my W asking to listen to Christian music today is a sign the movement is happening in her, and subsequently for us. Who knows where we will end up. I just need to focus on the process of reclaiming myself, my W, my M and my family. I will continue to rebuild me so that when my W does decide to some "home" she will come home to a new and better man with whom to make a new and better marriage.
A little more stuff. I talked with my SIL today. Now, I have avoided talking to my SIL since I spoke with her about my W's problematic drinking. THAT sitch got way out of hand b/c my W took it as my trying to control her rather than being truly concerned that she has a problem drinking and is often the only caretaker responsible for our children. So, I have stopped calling my SIL, which I used to do about once a week. Most of the time she didn't answer the phone and I would always just leave a message to tell her that she, her husband and their son were in my thoughts, that I hoped all was going well and that I love them all. She knew that I didn't expect a call back. The purpose of my call to some friends and family it to tell them that their being in my life has touched me deeply and I wanted them to know that they were thought of fondly that day. That simple.
My SIL starts mentioning W going out with her best friend regularly (the best friend I mentioned in a previous post that I think is a piece of sh*t) and how she thinks the drinking and the subsequent suspect behavior is unacceptable for two mothers (best friend is a single mom). I tell my SIL that I can't really talk to her b/c I was forbidden by my W after I last spoke with her about my W's drinking. SIL states matter-of-facly, W has a problem drinking that she doesn't want to admit. SIL also said that best friend likes to go out and "egg" W on to drink too much and then behave in bad ways. Can you say "piece of sh*t"? But then again, Frank says my W is behaving like a teenager. I think my SIL's best friend is a piece of sh*t and my W seems to revel in hanging out with and following along with someone 8 years her junior. I am having troubling reconciling my feelings about this type of behavior in my W. At least SIL's best friend is single!
I then asked my SIL if she had noticed that I stopped calling her and leaving my msgs? She said, now that you mention it, I did think that was kind of weird. I told her that W forbade me from interacting with her sister because she felt I was trying to poison her sister against her. Concern? Not possible. Poison? Absolutely. My SIL's face looked like a light bulb went on in her head as to WHY my behavior had changed towards her so dramatically. SIL also said, so does that mean that I have the right to forbid my sister and best friend from hanging out? See, SIL hates it because she believes the W has a drinking problem and best friend eggs her on PLUS the two of them together are like mixing two safe substances together that will turn the mixture dangerous. SIL said that her husband told her to detach and cut them both (W and best friend) out of her life until their behavior returned to what she considered responsible and acceptable. I said I am working on doing the same with W.
My problem is that having children together and a having my incredibly strong bond with them and in feeling so protective of them, and experience the strong pull of needing to care for them as I always have makes pulling away from W, their primary caretaker, that much more difficult. But, that's OK. I am dealing with this and I get stronger every day as I learn more about who I am and get more comfortable being that man.
And lastly, tomorrow is the first day of 1st grade for D5. I am going with W to see her off. Also, D5 becomes D6 on Thursday!! Hurray!
Interesting interaction with W today. We dropped off our D5 to school today together. After that, my W told me that she needed me to do a favor for her, which I did because it wasn't inconvenient for me to accomodate her. I know, I know, NO is a complete sentence. I am getting closer to saying that more often. Read on.
After I took care of 3 appointments at 2 different properties, and was on my way back to the office to handle an interview for her, she called me to tell me that I am azazing. I said why do you say that? She said you accomplish so much during the day every day, you're amazing. I said thank you, that was very kind of you to say.
At this point, I am realizing that I am digging myself a hole today and in life by being so accomodating to HER needs. I decide today is a great day to work on detaching and saying NO. We sit in the same office and she was saying how hungry she is. Normally, I would ask her to go to lunch with me and I would pay. As much as it was enticing to ask her, I kept my mouth shut. I was actually proud of NOT doing something!
At one point, I walk in our office and W has MySpace.com open with OM's page on her screen and she is typing feverishly. I say nothing and don't react visibly or audibly. I do believe that Frank hit the nail on the head when he said she is acting like a teenager. Of course I don't have any idea what she was typing on his MySpace page. It's really not my business right now, so I didn't react and I didn't pry. I was quite proud of me for not letting her behavior get to me.
Later, she begins laying the groundwork to ask me to do another favor helping her with her job. I just told her that I had enough stuff to do handling MY responsibilities, which is true. She let it go and said she'd work it out. I let it go too. Witnessing her ability to handle her "issues" on her own makes me understand that she is resourceful, intelligent, powerful, and driven and that I have simply been enabling her, at my own expense, by doing the majority of what I have been doing FOR her.
I am getting smarter. I am hearing and seeing better. I am getting stronger. In the end, I will have a better me and a stronger, more loving R with our children at a minimum.
This sounds good.
I would have liked to have seen you say 'no' right off the bat even if it wasn't inconvenient but I'll take what I can get .
I see improvement and yes, you have been enabling her by doing her stuff at work.
She'll only hate you for it later anyway, you know?
Keep practicing the "N" word.
Please forgive me for the short posts these days.
I am reading, though and you're doing much better.
It sure seems like you are doing a good job managing your 'teenager'. When she told you you were 'amazing' it's cool that you realized you needed to back down. She now sees how much you are capable of and needs to see how little she is capable of right now.
The 'myspace' thing is so funny , so teeny like.
Consider this: WHat kind of man (OM) would think he 'scored' a great woman who was married, had kids and was generally drinking too much? Answer: Loser.
He's a real piece of work. As I have seen on this board and in my own experience, they always are.
She's gonna crash.
Did you read that thread I sent you about my W's crash?
Quote: This sounds good. I would have liked to have seen you say 'no' right off the bat even if it wasn't inconvenient but I'll take what I can get .
Thank you, Amy. I, too, will take what I can get. I'm working at it and I am the first one to say that I am a work in progress. As my MC said, I am a diamond. The world has heaped shovels of sh*t on top of me all my life and it is now my job to take a spoon and little by little uncover the diamond that is me. My rearview mirror has had the saying, I am a diamond, taped to it for over two years now to remind me when I forget,which is often.
Quote: I see improvement and yes, you have been enabling her by doing her stuff at work. She'll only hate you for it later anyway, you know?
I see improvement in me also. I am happy that you do too. And yes, I do believe that what I do for her will be used against me in the end; not as enabling, but as DISabling her. THAT is why her telling me today that I am amazing was so amazing. She is NOT one prone to giving compliments by mistake. I believe she meant it genuinely. But, then the dark side of me tells me, don't buy that BS, she is only greasing the 'do what I want' slope to make it easier to have you slide into doing another "favor" for her. I don't know. I am not trusting of her right now. All of her actions are selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed lately.
Quote: Keep practicing the "N" word.
I have and I will more often going forward until NO rolls off my tongue as answer to her as easily as saying YES to bending over backwards to accomodate her does now. Mixed emotions all around my sitch, and confusion, at least for me.
Quote: Please forgive me for the short posts these days. I am reading, though and you're doing much better.
You are forgiven, not there is anything to forgive you for. Thank you for following my sitch. I appreciated whatever perspective you can muster the energy to offer. You are in my thoughts often.
SIDE NOTE: Today MIL and SIL took care of S all day and my D after she finished her first day of first grade. I was invited over to MIL's house for dinner since I needed to go there to pick up the children (my night). My W was out in the field for the better part of the PM and came into our office right after we closed up. I was still there and my W made a comment that she was mad that SHE didn't get an invitation to her mother's house for dinner. I invited her to her mother's, but she declined saying that she actually had a signing but that her mother did NOT know that and that's why she was feeling hurt b/c she still didn't get the invite even though her mother didn't know about the signing.
I don't think she was really hurt. Just an opportunity to make idle chit chat conversation with me i.e. to make a connection/contact with me OR is that just my delusional wishful thinking??? I don't know. I do know that THAT convo did NOT need to happen, but it did.
Later on in the evening, my SIL figured out that I had taken care of my children on both Friday (the majority of the evening) AND Saturday (ALL evening) evenings and all day Sunday (with my W) and last weekend wasn't even my weekend. SIL kept harping on the point, clearly annoyed with her selfish sister's behavior and unwillingness to care for her own children, and I kept trying to deflect the questions and not directly answering the obvious. My MIL chimed then in that she believed that W was busy tonight because she didn't have the children and usually had plans. I said, with a not so hidden flavor or sarcasm, NO, she doesn't usually have plans when she doesn't have the children. MIL and SIL rolled their eyes in a knowing way. Those two are neither stupid nor blind as to my W.
I am unclear how my W can be so oblivious to her own behavior and the impact that it has on her H, her children and how it affects everyone's, including HER OWN family's, feelings towards her negatively. Perhaps she is not oblivious. Perhaps it is starting to hit home and THAT is why I have seen the miniscule movement that I have seen lately. Maybe that glacier of a heart is starting to melt. I can always hope and pray.
This much I do know. Her sister is absolutely disgusted with her behavior and SIL has MIL's ear at all times because the live together and MIL listens to everything that SIL says and feels. Plus, SIL is not one to shy away from vocalizing her feelings about any issue.
Maybe the global warming in my W's world that is necessary to melt that glacier of a heart that she has right now will be sped up by SIL's feelings and subsequently MIL's feelings toward W and her behavior. Who knows, but if what W says is true about how she feels about her own family, perhaps it will have an impact on W and her subsequent positive motion in her and our sitch. Only time will tell. Who knows. They could just keep their feelings to themselves, as the often do with her. We'll see.
At the end of my time at MIL's house W showed up to see our children. She keeps saying that she misses them so much. W is supposed to start coming home earlier from work to spend time with our children. As my MIL told me, this is where the rubber meets the road for me. I am NOT to help W with her work. She is to sink or swim on her own and she will her the 'N' word often and regularly. I am not going to assist her in divorcing me. absolutely NOT. If she really wants to divorce me, the ball (and ALL of the D work) is in her court. I am lovingly detaching, NOT lovingly enabling my W to D me.
Good morning, Frank. Always nice to hear from you.
Quote: It sure seems like you are doing a good job managing your 'teenager'. When she told you you were 'amazing' it's cool that you realized you needed to back down. She now sees how much you are capable of and needs to see how little she is capable of right now.
I am getting smarter, growing stronger, and I am hearing and seeing better in my sitch/R thanks to all of my work with my DB/DR brethren who, so tirelessly and lovingly, give of themselves. Thank you all.
Quote: The 'myspace' thing is so funny , so teeny like.
ABSO-freakin'-LUTELY!!!!! But then, when I feel like that I feel bad b/c I feel as though I am being judgemental and condescending. But then again, I would be thinking the same thing about ANY married adult spending time one such a childish 'hobby', not just my W.
Quote: Consider this: WHat kind of man (OM) would think he 'scored' a great woman who was married, had kids and was generally drinking too much? Answer: Loser.
He's a real piece of work. As I have seen on this board and in my own experience, they always are.
I already knew this. I am sure my W lied to OM about our sitch. I am also sure that he is neither blind nor stupid, just selfish and horny PLUS a player. I am pretty sure that my W did not get that my comment about 'badge bunnies' was actually directed at her and her wacky behavior and misguided attempt at having a R with that piece of sh*t AND putting that piece of sh*t and that piece of sh*t R ahead our our childrens' needs and well-being. More sh*t that she is going to need to sift thru, atone for and make amends for. She's making quite a workload for herself for later on down the road. I don't envy her when the dumptruck backs up and drops it's load on top of her. Yikes!!
I also believe that the reality of me not fading away put a downer of an impact on their whole R. I am quite certain that OM's other relationships with married 'badge bunnies' did not have a hopeful_husband in the picture to contend with. Awwww, I feel so bad about that. NOT. F him.
Quote: She's gonna crash.
I know. I am getting stronger and her resolve is getting weaker. I must continue to smile and wave and keep that stoic look and quiet demeanor at bay. My goal. To be the authentic me. Fun, strong, powerful, loving, caring, giving, accepting, patient, funny. I am. I will let that behavior/attitude shine through.
Quote: Did you read that thread I sent you about my W's crash?
I did. WOW. Amazing. My problem is that I place these special powers to be an ICE PRINCESS on my W and that really keeps my hope for more changes in my sitch tempered. BUT, what I am slowly realizing is that neither she nor her attitude/behavior are unique, are they? It's all a pattern. Predictable. Only the time frame is different.
Nah, I am just shocked at the amount of clay I have in me to work with to build the man that God always intended for me to be. A LOT!! Never realized how much "material" I had to work with to change until I started really doing an inventory of myself. Sheesh! Oh well, could be worse. I could be oblivious instead of just a newby in re-building me. 
I love our children. The Lord works on the Lord's time, not mine. It is helpful to keep my eyes open to take notice of the smallest bit of movement in our sitch by my W rather than being a whiny, poor is me a$$wipe! I've got my eyes open to validate and encourage change. 
