Took our children to church this morning and ran into our mutual friend outside of the nursery where I drop off our youngest. Our friend asks me if D is going to "that child"(TC)'s Bday party. TC is the D of my W's friend that my W had a big blow up with and then they were not friends for over a year. Well, during our sitch, D decides to rekindle a couple of old friendships that ended similarly badly. Anyway, I don't dislike TC, I only dislike the manner is which she is raised and the awful behavior that is tolerated by TC's parents. I blame TC's parents. Regardless, I made it know it my W that re-kindling her friendship with her F wouldn end in disaster like it did the first time and that I did NOT want my D to re-kindle her friendship with TC because they are AWFUL influences on e/o. Regardless, W decided to do what she wanted to do regardless of my feelings.
W obviously communicated my feelings to our mutual friend because she asked me about D going to TC's party and who was taking her, me or W? I said me, and mutual friend said that's probably best. I was taken aback. Mutual friend said I don't like that woman (W's friend) either and agree with you that the relationship is a ticking time bomb. I said, you obviously know my feelings and I think it's best if I don't say anything. I said, besides, W didn't listen to me and did what she wanted to do anyway. Mutual friend said, "Oh, she listened to you and heard every word you said, believe me. She actually does respect what you see and say." I only thought, "Hmmm...." to myself. Now, I truly respect this mutual friend and what she has to say. I have often wondered what W tells her and what her thoughts are, but have NEVER, absolutely NEVER initiated a conversation with her or her husband. BOTH of them have initiated conversations and I have really limited my part of the conversation b/c ANYTHING and everything I say seems to get regurgitated to my W all F-ed up and then added to by my W to further F up what was an innocuous comment or statement. I learned my lesson a long time ago on this. Once bitten, twice shy. Anyway, I'll take our mutual friend's comments as truth as she had no reason to tell me otherwise AND I'll take that truth as another sign of a small step in a postive direction in our sitch.
Later on in the day, we went shopping and my W became grouchy all of a sudden. I asked her what the problem was and she said she felt like we weren't accomplishing anything shopping for D's school clothes. I didn't say anything except to ask her what would you rather be doing instead? I can't help but be suspicious that she is already on to a new flavor of the month (FOM). More likely though, she is still feeling the sting from being jilted by OM, whom she put ahead of her own childrens' needs and well-being. Hopefully she learned a valuable lesson. Time will tell.
She decided to tell me about her night out and how EVERYONE was guessing her to be 24 years old. I told her that's the advantage of being in a bar. She thought I was talking about people being drunk and guessing age. Actually, although I didn't say this, I was talking about the bar being DARK, ment being drunk and men trying to hook up. All 3 of those lead men to compliment with a lie. Don't get me wrong, my W IS beautiful, and in a bar she probably could pass for 24, but not in good light. This whole episode is an illustration of her being deathly afraid of getting older and not being the single, childless, thong bikini bathing suit wearin' 19 year old. As I approached my 40th birthday, she asked me how I felt about being 40. I simply replied that's it's better than the alternative. She asked, what's that? I said taking a long dirt nap. I'm happy reaching each and every birthday; means I am still here. Different perspectives to getting older. Both perspective drive behavior. I'd rather behave my way instead of looking for "validation" in bars from strangers. BTW, don't get me wrong. I have two family members who are retired police officers. Unfortunately, I do believe, based on what I know and have read, that what my W said, although stereotypical, is more right than wrong.
She further explained that they ran into some cops and told me what dirtbags they are, in general. I played along facetiously saying really? Cops? Players? No! I told her if that were true then there wouldn't be so many badge bunnies. She said badge bunnies? What's that? I simply said what does it sound like? She said women who chase badges because they find the badge attractive. I said exactly. Everything she has told me about her relationship is exactly what I foresaw happening from a mile away. I pretty much stayed away and kept my mouth shut and the R took the path I believed it would. Same goes for now. I need to detach lovingly, love our children, stand firm and GAL. I am coming together. I pray my W comes together in time to save our M.
As I said, my W asking to listen to Christian music today is a sign the movement is happening in her, and subsequently for us. Who knows where we will end up. I just need to focus on the process of reclaiming myself, my W, my M and my family. I will continue to rebuild me so that when my W does decide to some "home" she will come home to a new and better man with whom to make a new and better marriage.
A little more stuff. I talked with my SIL today. Now, I have avoided talking to my SIL since I spoke with her about my W's problematic drinking. THAT sitch got way out of hand b/c my W took it as my trying to control her rather than being truly concerned that she has a problem drinking and is often the only caretaker responsible for our children. So, I have stopped calling my SIL, which I used to do about once a week. Most of the time she didn't answer the phone and I would always just leave a message to tell her that she, her husband and their son were in my thoughts, that I hoped all was going well and that I love them all. She knew that I didn't expect a call back. The purpose of my call to some friends and family it to tell them that their being in my life has touched me deeply and I wanted them to know that they were thought of fondly that day. That simple.
My SIL starts mentioning W going out with her best friend regularly (the best friend I mentioned in a previous post that I think is a piece of sh*t) and how she thinks the drinking and the subsequent suspect behavior is unacceptable for two mothers (best friend is a single mom). I tell my SIL that I can't really talk to her b/c I was forbidden by my W after I last spoke with her about my W's drinking. SIL states matter-of-facly, W has a problem drinking that she doesn't want to admit. SIL also said that best friend likes to go out and "egg" W on to drink too much and then behave in bad ways. Can you say "piece of sh*t"? But then again, Frank says my W is behaving like a teenager. I think my SIL's best friend is a piece of sh*t and my W seems to revel in hanging out with and following along with someone 8 years her junior. I am having troubling reconciling my feelings about this type of behavior in my W. At least SIL's best friend is single!
I then asked my SIL if she had noticed that I stopped calling her and leaving my msgs? She said, now that you mention it, I did think that was kind of weird. I told her that W forbade me from interacting with her sister because she felt I was trying to poison her sister against her. Concern? Not possible. Poison? Absolutely. My SIL's face looked like a light bulb went on in her head as to WHY my behavior had changed towards her so dramatically. SIL also said, so does that mean that I have the right to forbid my sister and best friend from hanging out? See, SIL hates it because she believes the W has a drinking problem and best friend eggs her on PLUS the two of them together are like mixing two safe substances together that will turn the mixture dangerous. SIL said that her husband told her to detach and cut them both (W and best friend) out of her life until their behavior returned to what she considered responsible and acceptable. I said I am working on doing the same with W.
My problem is that having children together and a having my incredibly strong bond with them and in feeling so protective of them, and experience the strong pull of needing to care for them as I always have makes pulling away from W, their primary caretaker, that much more difficult. But, that's OK. I am dealing with this and I get stronger every day as I learn more about who I am and get more comfortable being that man.
And lastly, tomorrow is the first day of 1st grade for D5. I am going with W to see her off. Also, D5 becomes D6 on Thursday!! Hurray!
Anyway, I'll take our mutual friend's comments as truth as she had no reason to tell me otherwise AND I'll take that truth as another sign of a small step in a postive direction in our sitch.
