Quote: you are correct. IN YOUR W's MIND is where this all lives. Not in the real world. IN her dream world.
Clearly that is our marital problem. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. One way is to speak my truth and step on her toes in speaking my truth and possibly lose my W and M while gaining a real sense of self. The other way is to shut my mouth and go back to the marital dynamics that led me here in the first place. There must be a third way that I cannot get my arms or mind around right now. Will you help me envision what I cannot?
First off, the 'way' is a mixture of both. Speak the truth and always be respectful when you do. And remember there is a time and place for everything so you'll know when to stay quiet and when to speak it.
Second , regarding memories. This is something my coulselor told me way at the 'beginning' about how to deal with the old negative memories. She said that we really don't remember actions or events unless they were traumatic and something triggers it, or if the action or event is repeated. So, make NEW memories. Which of course is what you are doing. The NEW memories are what she is seeing.
Quote: I think so much like you do, kind sir. My problem is that I often voice my views in ways that are received as judgemental and /or condescending which serves NO purpose. Again, I am working on figuring out how to deliver my views in a manner in which they will be better received. Ugh! So much about me is in dire need of change.
What? and you think you're special or something? LIke we ALL aren't in need of change here? Welcome to 'Club DB, a club for change'
Quote: I believe that she is running scared. She is afraid that her mask that she has been wearing to fool others and herself in to believing she is happy and "all together" and that facade will fade away if she takes a good, hard look at it and herself. Running is easier. Staying busy is easier. Stopping and taking a behavioral and moral inventory has to be a terrifying proposition for her...so she runs, pushing her H and M away.
And when it catches up with her, which it WILL, it will hit her like a freight train. You need to be consistent and that will speed up the process. You've REMOVED all of her 'justification' for her actions. That's gotta hurt. Can't run forever.
That's why she brought up the Affair the other day. Needed to 're-charge' her 'justification battery'. What does that tell you about her current self image?
Quote: I will keep doing what I am doing, only I hope to do it better. I will work to eliminate negative impact and consequences from me stating my views, giving my opinion, protecting our children and/or standing up for myself. I want to talk to others, especially my W and family, in a way that I will not look back and believe that I didn't speak in a very proper, clear, adequate and respectful manner. As long as I won't look back and say, you know, there was at least one other way I could have communicated my message better.
Amen.
Quote: I've decided that I'd rather deliver my message properly 5 seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months late than to communicate my message realtime in the wrong way. As Amy says, I talk too much. I sometimes think that I get mesmerized with my own ideas and the sound of my own voice and my mough goes on autopilot to the detriment of the recipient and myself.
Yep, I am learning this also and sometimes it is sooooo hard to shut up! Luckily my W is able to vocalize when I'm being that way and help me change it - without anger or judgement.
Quote: In closing, Frank, I KNOW that my W is back on the internet dating services. She JUST broke up with OM and she's already back at it. Says she needs girl time. I guess girl time is chasing guys in bars with girlfriends. I am not sitting in judgement of her for this. Obviously, this is what she feels she needs to do. She did the same thing when she found out about my A.
Remember, she is acting like a teenager. Think of her in those terms. Acting out, getting her oen way. Don't tolerate it when it interferes with your life. Other than that you can't do much except stay away from her.
IN spite of the 'dating site' crap, I think she is starting to worry.
