Quote: I hate know that, in my W's mind, that I and my treatment of my W IS the problem. So much for me knowing what the F I am doing. Clearly I don't.
you are correct. IN YOUR W's MIND is where this all lives. Not in the real world. IN her dream world.
Clearly that is our marital problem. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. One way is to speak my truth and step on her toes in speaking my truth and possibly lose my W and M while gaining a real sense of self. The other way is to shut my mouth and go back to the marital dynamics that led me here in the first place. There must be a third way that I cannot get my arms or mind around right now. Will you help me envision what I cannot?
Quote: Clearly you DO know what you are doing because you recognize everything you do and make plans to change it. You are way ahead of the gam HH, way ahead.
I think so much like you do, kind sir. My problem is that I often voice my views in ways that are received as judgemental and /or condescending which serves NO purpose. Again, I am working on figuring out how to deliver my views in a manner in which they will be better received. Ugh! So much about me is in dire need of change.
Quote: As far as the 'afraid of you' think. She is afraid of being JUDGED by you. Think about it. She knows in her heart that even though you'r A was wrong SHE is doing the same amount of wrong, or even more, because she flaunts it in front of her kids. There is a quiet place insode all of us where we can NOT lie to ourselves and she fears that place, not you. She's afraid YOU will say or do something that makes her visit that place.
I believe this also. I believe that she is running scared. She is afraid that her mask that she has been wearing to fool others and herself in to believing she is happy and "all together" and that facade will fade away if she takes a good, hard look at it and herself. Running is easier. Staying busy is easier. Stopping and taking a behavioral and moral inventory has to be a terrifying proposition for her...so she runs, pushing her H and M away.
Quote: A good healthy fear if you ask me.
I don't know how good and healthy that fear is if it keeps her running from me, from her children, and from the real world. But then again, if this is the life she chooses, then I am better off to keep on movin' on rather than to keep on keepin' on. I won't take my old M back. I won't take the old me back and that is why I am working so hard to make my necessary changes. I won't take my W back with her same behavior. ALL of that is only a certain recipe for disaster. I don't want a disaster. I want a marriage that is based on respect, love, admiration, adoration, affection, affirmation, giving, fun, friendship, support, acceptance, equality and kindness. Taking any of that old "stuff" back will only ensure marital failure and heartbreak. I have had enough of that. I, my W and my family deserve better.
Quote: Keep going man. stay doing exactly what you are doing.
I will keep doing what I am doing, only I hope to do it better. I will work to eliminate negative impact and consequences from me stating my views, giving my opinion, protecting our children and/or standing up for myself. I want to talk to others, especially my W and family, in a way that I will not look back and believe that I didn't speak in a very proper, clear, adequate and respectful manner. As long as I won't look back and say, you know, there was at least one other way I could have communicated my message better.
I've decided that I'd rather deliver my message properly 5 seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months late than to communicate my message realtime in the wrong way. As Amy says, I talk too much. I sometimes think that I get mesmerized with my own ideas and the sound of my own voice and my mough goes on autopilot to the detriment of the recipient and myself.
In closing, Frank, I KNOW that my W is back on the internet dating services. She JUST broke up with OM and she's already back at it. Says she needs girl time. I guess girl time is chasing guys in bars with girlfriends. I am not sitting in judgement of her for this. Obviously, this is what she feels she needs to do. She did the same thing when she found out about my A.
Strangely, I have made the choice to NOT be hurt by her behavior. I have decided to safeguard my heart and have decided that I, not her behavior, control my emotions and responses. Perhaps she will not be satisfied until she chokes my will to stand for my M out of me. I will stand until she drives that last nail into the door of her heart and The Lord tells me that her heart is hardened and I must move on. Until then, I will safeguard my heart, act from grace and kindness, respond rather than react, love my W unconditionally, and pray a hedge of thorns around my W. Everything is in God's hands.
