Need help from GH, Amy and Fank. Pay no attention to the order in which you 3 were listed please.
More doozy days. Last night I was with our children b/c W went to her monthly bunco group. When she got back I was getting ready to leave after some pleasantries. I was making my way to the door and my W asked me where R U going? I said to my place. She asked what are you going to do? She started to say something and stopped. I inquired as to why she was asking and what was on her mind. I can tell that she is deathly afraid of me. THAT makes me so sad.
She asked me if I wanted to stay and have a drink. I said OK and had a beer. We talked more and she revealed some of her feelings to me about my A and told me again that she had forgiven me.
She told me that she was VERY hurt when it all came out and is still angry, but she has forgiven me. I reminded her that if she had foriven me, she would not continue to bring my A up and rub my nose in it. She insists that she has. I let it go, but I DON'T believe her. We talked about the reasons for my affair and she did tell me that she knew that I was not getting my needs met at home so.... I told her all of that was true, but that did not excuse my cowardly behavior. She told me that she believes that a married couple should ALWAYS work out any problem and stay together, even infidelity. She said my infidelity is not the problem now for her. She said my treatment of her IS. OW, that hurts! D*mnit! I hate know that, in my W's mind, that I and my treatment of my W IS the problem. So much for me knowing what the F I am doing. Clearly I don't.
I know that I need to continue on in my journey of re-discovering myself, setting my boundaries, and always being respectful of others, especially my W. GH pointed out from my last post that I was condescending and judgemental. I said that I knew that I was and was NOT trying to avoid it then b/c I was in the middle of dealing with my W's R with OM. Regardless, my W's behavior did/does NOT give me license to step of my authenic self and be a jacka$$, regardless of what W chooses to do. I always have options, and one option is to separate myself from the sitch and W so I do not have to witness hurtful behavior. My behavior showed conditional love. Conditional love is worthless b/c it's full of judgement and blame.
Now, the real DB/CR work begins!! I am only in round 3 of this championship bout. I believe I will win as long as I stay our of my way. I have to step up my DB/DR work and praying. I need to lean on my DB/DR brethren to help me with what is appropriate to bring up and when and HOW! Often, what I say is not the problem. It's HOW I say things that really Fs things up for me and others. The one common denominator is ME! Grrrr!
Again back to the real work. I still need to step away and let my W continue on in her journey without judgement and condescension. I must work to re-capture the me who is attractive to my W. I will continue to GAL, love our children, be authentic and not an A-hole.
I know Amy, less talking. Talking is killing my chances at reconciling my M. Less talking, less judging, less condension, AND a lot less talking!! I am my own worst enemy.
This much I do believe. My W is about to embark on a new round of behavior that I don't agree with. I intend to go as dark as I can except for caring for our children. I told my W that one of the things I have figured out during our sitch is that I don't need her, but I want her very much. I further explained that that realization was about my growth as a man and as a husband.
My W also told me that she really misses our children, but that she REALLY needs to go out with her sister's 25 yr old best friend whom I think is a real piece of sh*t. W says she really needs girl time tonight. She spent all day having girl time with this woman today. Apparently she needs to go to a bar to have girl time.
I told my W do what you must, just be careful with your drinking. I didn't tell her my true feelings because that would only come across as judgement and condescending; exactly what I don't want. I do know this, my W drinks way too much when she goes out with this woman plus when my W drinks to much, she behaves poorly, by her own admission, but that doesn't stop her.
At least I will have our children tonight. W is going to do what she is going to do and I truly believe that she is SLOWLY coming back to reality but needs to keep herself busy with friends and/or guys as much as possible to put off looking at the reality of her life and her behavior.
Oh well, THAT is not my cross to bear. I can only do my work on me. SHE has to do her work on her. I always have the option to separate from the sitch and to say NO when I mean no. The option I don't have (and never did have, but that didn't stop me) is to be a judgemental, condescending A$$.
If being my authentic self, setting/respecting my boundaries and always treating others with respect means that I lose my M and my W, then so be it. I truly don't believe that that will be the end result if I stay the course. My job is to make the best me possible with God's help and my hard work. I know my W will not want to begin the process of reconciliation, unless I keep the changes I have already made and continue on in my journey to become the man that God always intended for me to be. She needs to be treated and adored like a queen. I will do that.
I am rambling on. I am confused. I am scared. Any advice/direction you all have for me would be greatly appreciated. I am feeling more unsure today than ever before. Not sure why. Could be that I saw a glimmer of movement in my W and it scared the sh*t out of me.
