This post is about todays events. Again, this follows a couple of DOOZIE days! This was a WOW day!
Today I talked with my W while I was out in the field first. When we both made it into the office, she seemed agitated and I asked her if something had happened to her or if she was just stressed from a busy day of work ahead? She told me that something really bad happened in her personal life. I wondered but only said I am sorry to hear that and went back to working because she offered nothing more. Now the previous day, she was not in the best of moods also and I sensed that all was not well in AFFAIRLAND. Plus two days ago, she decided to have her convo with OM in my presence and then throw her flippant remark and bad attitude my way for good measure. NOW, I really sensed that AFFAIRLAND was either burning down or had blown up. I said nothing, but the office as abuzz with chatter.
One co-worker (CW) asked me if I knew why W was in a bad mood and I said I didn't. CW didn't believe me. I told her that this, like a LOT of things in that office that happened over the past 5 or 6 months I was not privy to know. I told her that I am like a mushroom; kept in the dark and sprinkled with BS whenever I am told anything at all. She just shook her head at me.
Next thing I know, MIL asks me if I want to go to lunch with some other CWs and my sister-in-law and baby? I say sure. I then find out that W has SIL off for a talk and MIL is not privy to content of the convo. MIL laughs and says I don't know why I am excluded, SIL will tell me everything and often I hear much more than I ever want to know. W leaves to work from home and lick her wounds and SIL joins us. At this point, I figure either SIL or MIL is going to tell the story.
I am wrong. I am working away on the computer later in the afternoon and I notice that W is doing the same from home. I call her up to check on her and she tells me the story. She says, you probably already know what happened in my personal life but I'll tell you anyway.
W tells me that OM has been dating someone else the whole time that he has been dating W and she is really hurt. I tell her I am sorry that she is feeling hurt. It's tough to tread lightly and empathize with W for hurting but not say anything about empathizing with WHY she is hurting. W says we (she and OM) are finished. W then says what's wrong with me? I say that there is one person in this world who loves you more than he knows how to tell you. I told her I am sorry you hurt. I have never wanted you to hurt. She says she knows.
I know that she and OM have been having fights all along and that R was only 3-1/2 months old. Way to new of a R to have any kind of conflict. When I told my W that I did not want our children around OM anymore after the two month mark dinner my W asked me WHEN I thought would be a good time to re-introduce OM to our children.
My response was, when you get out of the Jr. High, fantasyland make believe stage. After you place your expectations on e/o and those expectations are not met and you have a REAL fight. When you figure out if you two are for real or playing house because I don't want our children playing house in you make believe world. Well, we got to that point like I anticipated and look at what she got. Too bad she was so hell bent on making her unilateral decisions regarding our children that she re-introduced them about two weeks ago. As I told her all along, she is so blinded by her hurt and anger that she is running so fast she is ONLY thinking of herself and consistently puts her own wants and needs ahead of our childrens' needs and well-being.
Hopefully, this will be a wake up call and she will take an honest look at her H again. Did I F up badly? Absolutely. Have I made a STAND? I stand firmly? Have I loved her? I have shown her love to the best of my ability.
I was talking to my dad. He seems to be the ONLY one in my family that does not sit in judgment for taking a stand and doing all that I can to save my M and keep my family together. He tells me that my family saw how my W treated me during our M and they are only fixated on believing that I am blind to reality and that I deserve to be treated better. I tell my dad that I do see how I was treated. I am not blind nor delusional. I tell him also that I am not optimistic about my sitch, but I haven't given up and I DO believe in miracles. As Jeremy Camp sings, I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see. I am still only in round 2 of my 15 round championship bout with the enemy and I have trained hard to go the distance, but I don't think this one's going throgh the 15th round. I am gonna score a knock out with consistent, relentless, powerful, calculated work against my foe. My wife underestimated me. That is OK. She will reap the benefits. My enemy underestimated me. That is OK also. I am going to knock his a$$ into tomorrow and send him away from my W, M and family.
At this point, I am happy that W's A with OM is done (or so she says), but I don't know that it means anything positive for us necessarily. I do know that NOW is the time to work harder on me than ever before. NOW is crunch time. My good friend told me today before I found out the news from W that he is VERY impressed by how I have held myself together and kept myself hopeful and also open to reconciliation after all of the "stuff" I have endured in trying to atone for my A and make amends to my W. He said he would have said F off a LONG time ago. I took his compliment as high praise because I highly respect this man. I told him that my W underestimated my strength, stamina, chin, restraint, and faith. My friend said yes she did, by a long shot. I told him that I told my W a while back that she really underestimated her H and she said she didn't know me very well and that really pissed her off. The fact that she didn't know me very well is MY fault. WHEN she gives me the opportunity to be her mate again, she WILL know the real me; not the poser. I will be absolutely authentic because, by the time we get to that point, I will really KNOW and BE the real me again. My W and I deserve to have the real me. The real me is a patient, kind, accepting, loving man. And THAT authentic man will be the saving grace of our M; the mortar that holds our brick house together and replaces the house of straw; a REAL INTEGRAL component for our successful, honest, loving, giving marriage.
