Need Help Staying on my Feet, Part 5

[Still_Standing]

Yesterday was another doozy of a day. And today, WOW, what a day!!

Let me start with yesterday. I typed the majority of this all last night, but I fell asleep b4 I submitted and my computer did windows updates and restarted itself it by the time I woke up. So now I recreate it.

I have come to my personal epiphany that someone else's behavior does not have to affect my day in a negative fashion as long as I don't allow that to happen. I am back on quotes that move me and these were my favorites ATTITUDE:

Men are disturbed, not by thethings that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.EPICTETUS

amd...

Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines success or failure. -NORMAN VINCENT PEALE

and lastly...

An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked. The are caused by us, not by exterior happenings.An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it. So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves. VERNON HOWARD

I have rededicated myself to nurturing my PMA and protecting and preserving it at all times. In looking back, I grew lazy and my praying slowed down and my PMSA was slipping. To top it all off, I was blaming my W for my own lack of dedication to MY cause. Nice. Not. Big dummy I was being.

I was sitting in my office and my W was having a convo with a co-worker (CW). Our CW was standing in the doorway and I was in a hurry to handle a task and gestured to our CW that I needed for her to make some room so I could get thru the doorway. She didn't move much and I joked with her about it and nothing seemed to be wrong between us.

Shortly thereafter, my W called our CW and I happened to be sitting there conversing with CW and I could tell by our CW's end of the conversation that the caller was W trying to insert herself in the middle of my previous interaction with CW that was joked about and diffused w/o incident. I made the thoughtless comment to my CW that my W was transparent in her behavior and also made the mistake of also saying to CW that W thinks it's her job to "catch" me doing anything W perceives as wrong. My CW just looked at my with very empathetic eyes and said she is sorry that I feel that way. I left it alone at that point.

Soon, W came back in and told me that CW felt VIOLATED by the way I went through the doorway. Mind you, I didn't touch our CW, I merely gestured that I need to get through the doorway. I asked my W if she would be bothered by my asking CW if she felt violated. W said she would not be bothered.

I asked CW if I could talk with her for a moment and asked her if she felt VIOLATED by the way I passed through the door. She was shocked that I used the word violated and I explained that "violated" was the word specifically used to relate the "incident" to me. She did say that I was abrupt in making my way through and that she and I had already sorted it all out satisfactorily PRIOR to W deciding she needed to interject herself. We both went on.

Upon my W's return from her errand, she felt the need to ask me if I apologized to CW. I just walked away. Feeling that walking away was rude, I walked back and explained to W that CW and I discussed the incident and although CW didn't feel violated from my moving thru the doorway, she did feel that I was abrupt and I apologized for that.

The convo went on a little longer and I explained my beliefs on a few other sitches and my W disagreed on a couple. W then said she didn't know why she was asking questinos about my convo with CW b/c it was none of her business. I just went on about my business.

A little later, I asked my W how much additional $$$ she spent on our son's bday party b/c I had a total of my expenditures. My W flippantly brushed me off. I just tossed my receipts on her desk with the amount she owed me and told her to subtract from that total what I owed her from her expenditures so we could put this to bed.

Next, my W brought up child support and the fact that since she was making more $$$ b/c she was working full time, my child support could be less. I told her we could talk about it VERY soon to iron it out. I then asked her how much she is making and she said that's private. I said really? Well, since how much you and I make plus the percentage of time our children spend with each parent directly affects child support amounts, it wasn't really private. I reminded her that she has always known how much $$$ I make. She relented and I told her that I was going to go to a California child support calculator online and see what that would say.

She storms nto our office and snaps are you going to try to screw me with the informaion I just gave you. I looked her square in the eye and said flatly, if I wanted to SCREW you, I'd go to you house and climb in your bed with you. I quickly said, look, I only want to see what is fair and equitable. She said she was curious. THEN the child support dollar amoutn came up. $116 per month total for our 2 children

My W's jaw must have hit the floor. She begins balkint at that amount and tells me that I deserve to pay more than that $116 b/c of what I did (the A). W then goes on to further explain that her housing expenses are much more than mine and I quickly speak up offering to switch places with me and I'd stay at the house with she children and she could live where I am now or she could move to a less expensive place. She then retorts, oh, you expect you children to be uprooted from a place they're comfortable in because of what YOU did (again, the A). I tell her that that is not what I was suggesting, I was simply pointing out that she is making choices and has options in those choices.

Fore me, her remarks showed me that she is still VERY hurt and still choosing to blow thru the hurt to live in anger
becuase anger is a much more mor palatable feeling than hurt. Pretty much all of my friends are of the mind that W is not hurt and not angry. I am happy to say that I have continually said that hurt and the outward mask of anger are my W's real emotions. In a strange way, I feel good about erring on the side of GRACE for my W.

I asked my W if we could talk aboout smoething that had really been botering me and she agreed. I told her that I was really offended by her continuing unilateral decisions regarding our children end then just TELLING me what SHE had decided. I told her that her decision to involve MIL in the conversation about our childrens' daycare without granting me my request to discuss the matter with me FIRST before involving anyone else. I told her that her behavior showed me that she had NO respect for me as a peron and as the father of our children. She apologized and said that that was not her intention, but I continued by telling her I was impacted negatively by her actions and the intentions didn't lessen the impact.

I the told her that I needed to tell her something that she may take as rude and abrupt. I told her that I AM the father of our children and I have an equal say in their upbringing. I told her that she would not tolerate me making unilateral decisions for our children and expecting her to abide by them and I don't appreciate her penchant for doing the same. I told her that I would not tolerate any further unilateral decisions by her. She told me that she understood my feelings and that what I said was neither rude nor abrupt. She said she would stop doing that. I told her that unfortunately her behavior had become so common that breaking the habit would probably be harder than she thought but I appreciated her willingness to work on changing and that I would pay close attention to her efforts and applaud her efforts to improve. I think she thought I was nuts for saying that.