I spoke with a friend last night who really cares for me and knows my W, as well. My friend is really concerned for my well-being b/c I havent' "given up" on my W and my M yet. She tells me that my W is simply "done."
My friend tells me that I am waiting on my W's epiphany. I tell her, EXACTLY, and I believe in miracles and I believe that a miracle is what is needed for her to reach though her own fog and pull herself out of being lost. I also tell my friend that I am NOT willing to take back my own M. Either she will come back and be will to make substantial personal changes and be willing to build a completely different marriage or I will simply move on without her. As Frank said, there is NO going back, only moving forward. Most people who care for me fear that I will go back to my dysfunctional M of before. I simply tell them two things: 1) I know that my was (is) disfuntional and invalidating; 2) I am letting go of my W on my time frame and althought it seems to others as though I am not making personal progress, I am, a little at a time. She understood what I said, and also understood why I hold out hope for my W's movement, she simply just doesn't believe my W will EVER move towards me because she knows my W and has watched our M for over 4 years. It seems that so many people in my life don't want me to wait blindly and don't want me to be hurt waiting for my W to make movement she is NEVER going to make. Sad thing is, this friend heard ALL of the same stories I heard a couple of days ago and confirmed what my W's behavior was long before my A ever came to light. Sad. She's lost, and has been for a LONG time.
I will move forward happily WITH her by my side or sadly without her. If I need to move forward without her, I know my sadness will lessen with time as I continue to GAL and work on becoming the man that God always intended for me to be.
Each day I become stronger and more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable in the fact that my W's decisions may force me to a single dad. I know that I will be fine. I know I will love my children completely and be a great father. The ground beneath my feet becomes more stable every day. My praying becomes more focused. I become more clear. I am embracing my fears.
