Well HH, I think you are on the track to recovery. YOU will be fine. SHE may wake up in time. Hard to say.
You really handled this very well. One thing I would say is that she should NOT be introducing OM to the kids because SHE IS NOT DIVORCED. Yes, she is being selfish and putting her kids needs LAST.
Quote: My experience with her is that shes lies incessantly, either blatantly or by omission. I don't trust much of what she says these days. THAT is a sad change because I used to trust her w/o question. She would often return home 3-4 hours late w/o a phone call, w/o answering her cell phone and w/o an explanation other than I was out with my friends. In retrospect, I never even quesioned that unaccpetable BS behavior. I trusted her. Now I think, hmmm...?
Interesting, is there anyone who may have been with her during some of these events who you could ask about them?
Quote: HH, I don't know if you're "right" or "wrong" in how you are doing things but I DO think you have figured out who you want to be and are being him now. I don't sense much hesitation or insecurity. I see you following a clear path. What I am not sure of, nor would I suspect are you, is where that path leads.
I actually don't care if I am right or wrong in the way I am dealing with my sitch. I am simply not going to watch my M dissolve by doing more of the same. I love my wife and want to restore, rebuild, and reconcile my M. I want to live under the same roof with our children EVERY day. I know that moving into my own place has given me my strength, dignity and sense of self back. I love having my children come to spend the night with me on MY nights, rather than going to her house to be with them. I wish I knew where my present path was leading, but you're right, I don't know. I do feel where I know where my old path was leading. Like the Talking Heads sing, "We're on the road to NOWHERE," and I didn't want to go nowhere.
My W was recently telling me how much she misses our children since she has been back at work full time and that it's been really hard on her. She started to tell me that since she is now a single mom and needs to work full time and it's been really difficult on her and that she was thinking of talking to me about re-negotiating our alotted time with the children. I tell her, I have them only 38% (yes, I calculated it to the hour) of them time. I also tell her that I understand all of her feelings associated wtih missing the children and remind her that our children are OUR children and that I miss them as much as she does and I haven't had the benefit of livig with them during our entire time we've been apart. I also tell her that SHE was the one telling me how much of a pain in the a$$ it was for her to have me come over and invade HER space to be with our children and how I was lucky that she was so kind to allow that. I told her that now that I have my own place I feel much more settled and I also would love to have our children with me much more.
W tells me that towards the end (just prior to me getting my own place), she stopped feeling put out by me need to see our childrn at her place. More of her selfish BS, IMHO. She continues on by telling me that at least she would come home and the children would still be home with her, I am thinking to myself, well that's too F-ing bad. This is the path that YOU have chosen in not wanting to even try to reconcile our M and keep our family together. Of course, all of that stayed in my head. I simply listened and empathized. I DID say to her though, that you are NOT a single mom and you don't HAVE TO go back to work full time. Of course though, on her present path of choice she does, but she blames her choices on my A only still. In my opinion, her choices lay in her inability to forgive and move forward. She chooses to blow through hurt, harbor and nurture her anger and continually tattoo me with blame for my A.
I have atoned for my wrongdoing. I have tried to make amends to her for my betrayal. I have accepted responsibility. I have promised honesty and fidelity. I continue to look at and work on myself. I take care of our children (& her). And now I am in the process of recognizing who the man is that God always intended me to be and claiming him. I have re-claimed my "pair." I am being a man without being an A-hole. My backsliding has been pretty minimal and I have made apologies when apologies are warranted.
In short, I am clear on the path that I have been taking lately and need to continue to take. As I said in my previous post, I am no longer afraid and I don't feel that I need my W; I simply WANT my W and WANT to remain married to her and have the opportunity build a better, stronger, happier, more respectful and loving M than before.
I would love to have more children with her. I would love for her to commit to our M completely. I am willing to make that same commitment. I am unwilling to swallow what I previously swallowed during our M. I will speak my truth. I will set my boundaries. I will respect myself and her. I will honor my W by always being open, honest and unafraid. I will not take my old M back. I know that I am 50% responsible for deterioration of my M. I accept that. I pray that my W will be able to see and own her 50% before it is too late. For now, I hope, I pray and I keep myself open to the possibility of reconciliation.
Quote: To be sure, you are in a better place today than a month ago. Take heart in that.
I am in a much better place. I have passed out of the "I NEED my wife room, and I am scared to death of losing her" room, and moved into the, "I WANT my wife and marriege, and I am sad that she may hold to her path of ending our marriage" room. Different view of my world; different feeling; a better place. In THAT I do take heart. TY
One final note. My son's 1st birhday party was a blast. He is so beautiful and perfect and such a daddy's boy. For that matter, my D is a daddy's girl.
Tonight my MIL was trying to boss me around and get me to do what she wanted me to do at my son's bithday party. I simply held my ground and socialized with our guests. SHE is the person who decided to let my F-up out and decided to be my judge, jury and executioner. I work on continuing to hold my tongue when I deal with her.
The other thing that has become more and more clear during my sitch, is that our friends do not harbor ill feelings towards me for my A. They continue to be friendly and open to continuing our relationship whether I with my W or not. THAT is a nice feeling and a boost to my sense of self and self-esteem. Hell,even "Marriage Cancer" (W's friend) was trying to be friendly to me tonight asking me what I thought of her new BF. Of course I was cordial and respectful even though I had a burning desire to warn him off.
And lastly, today is my son's 1st birthday. My W seemed to be rushing us out of the house because she said she wanted me to get our son a bottle and into bed. I truly felt it was b/c she was expecting OM over tonight. At some point, the fact that our S did not sleep in the same house with her on his 1st birthday and the fact that our D will not sleep in the same house with her on D's 6th birthday will hit her hard. Another cold, hard fact of the choices she is making. In case you were wondering, TH are MY days and our children's birthdays both fall on Thursdays this year. Plus, my D5 will have a friends' skating party on the Saturday after her birthday and THAT is my weekend. I didn't plan it this way, it just worked out this way, but....
Quote: I think you are on the track to recovery. YOU will be fine. SHE may wake up in time. Hard to say.
Thank you, my friend. I can only hope and pray and continue my tireless work on my bottomless pit of issues. I will. I know it's hard to say what, if anything, and when, if ever, she will work on herself.
Quote: You really handled this very well. One thing I would say is that she should NOT be introducing OM to the kids because SHE IS NOT DIVORCED. Yes, she is being selfish and putting her kids needs LAST.
I know and I know. Problem is, she doesn't. And when I say anythnig it's (in her mind) b/c I am trying to control her. As the saying goes, Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt.
Quote:
Quote: My experience with her is that shes lies incessantly, either blatantly or by omission. I don't trust much of what she says these days. THAT is a sad change because I used to trust her w/o question. She would often return home 3-4 hours late w/o a phone call, w/o answering her cell phone and w/o an explanation other than I was out with my friends. In retrospect, I never even quesioned that unaccpetable BS behavior. I trusted her. Now I think, hmmm...?
Interesting, is there anyone who may have been with her during some of these events who you could ask about them?
Sure, if I didn't mind creating an even larger sh*tstorm with W's friend's like the "Marriage Cancer," who took her to the A.A. meeting to meet up with her BF from 10 years ago whom W tried to hook up with when my A came to light. Nice people to choose from, her friends. 4 of her good friends are pieces of sh*t and cheerlead her sh*tty decisions in M and life. I'd rather leave it for her to know and reconcile when the time comes. THAT is her cross to bear, not mine.
Quote: Keep holding your ground.
I am. You have been a Godsend for me and my sitch. Question: are you selling Frank D "signature line" paddles on e-Bay that I can purchase to spank my W?? How much are they? How sturdy are they? LOL
I am. You have been a Godsend for me and my sitch. Question: are you selling Frank D "signature line" paddles on e-Bay that I can purchase to spank my W?? How much are they? How sturdy are they? LOL
I think I should, I could make some bucks. Times are tight in this house right now and I could use the bucks!
Spank away! You're sounding very healthy.
I would think you could 'goad' the 'the "Marriage Cancer,"' woman into telling you how your W was unhappy with you for years and was not such an angel with other men, or confirm that she was faithful.
I would think she would be happy to tell you this if it was true. It gives her 'power'. Not sure how I would ask it though. Maybe something like "I know she was unhappy for years. She would stay out late and I knew she was with someone else". Just to see what response you get.
I am. You have been a Godsend for me and my sitch. Question: are you selling Frank D "signature line" paddles on e-Bay that I can purchase to spank my W?? How much are they? How sturdy are they? LOL
I think I should, I could make some bucks. Times are tight in this house right now and I could use the bucks!
So, you liked that idea, huh? LOL Trust me, they would be big sellers throughout the world!
Quote: Spank away! You're sounding very healthy.
I am sounding healthy, but feeling too healthy. Grrr! Today, my W called me and asked me if I would do a favor for her. She sounded awful, so I asked her if she was OK. She said NO. I asked her if she was sick or upset and she said upset. I asked her if she needed to talk and she said no. I instantly took this to mean that all was not well on OM Street. I began to smile and gloat inside. Bad move. Made for stupid behavior on my part. Serious backsliding. Grrrrr!
I did the favor and was really feeling that W either broke it off w/ OM or OM broke it off with her. Dumb a$$ that I can be. There I go again, reading minds. Anyway, she gets to work and immediately asks me if she can buy me lunch. I agree. I know that I needed to say no, but I was stuck on the gloating train and wanted to hear the gory details of the mess she was experiencing. Stupid me. Damnit. I pray that I will DB/DR on a consistent basis w/o backsliding so unnecessarily. Grrrr!
We are driving to lunch and she tells me that she got really drunk the previous night with OM and our neighbors. I told you she was hurrying me and our children out of the house b/c OM was coming over. She is so F-ing transparent. She continues telling me that she does/says really stupid things when she gets really drunk, but she is NOT an alcoholic. I am thinking, riiiiggggghhhhhhttttt. You are definitely an addict and alcohol is now your drug of choice b/c when you do drink you drink to get drunk not to just loosen up and be social.
My wife spent 12 years in A.A. because she is a drug addict and didn't connect with those people in N.A. so she found sobriety in A.A. Nothing wrong with that except that although she found sobriety, she was simply an A.A. junkie who went to meetings and spent the entire time outside smoking and BSing. Fellowship was her new drug of choice not working the program. I would go to meetings with her on occassion and would liken the scene to a jr. high school atmosphere, complete with the "in crowd." I found it nauseating.
Eventually, W decided that she is not an alcoholic and told me so. I told her that I didn't think she was an alcolhoic but KNEW she IS an addict, and THAT fact scared me a great deal. I was less concerned about it before my A and living apart b/c I was always there to temper her behavior and keep her safe. NOW, her behavior is off the charts when she drinks and I am not there to save her from herself. Also, today I found out some disturbing tales of my W's behavior when she got drunk but were still a couple (in her mind, anyway). More serious reasons to back the F off. Sad.
Back to today. She tells me that she got really drunk last night and told OM a story about herself from the last time (I think the story was about the last time she got drunk, but it may have just been the recounting of the last really embarassing act of hers) she got drunk. I ask her what did you tell him? She said she didn't want to tell me. That being the case, I am not so sure I NEED to know that BS. She is really upset with herself and continues telling me that when she drinks too much she generally does or says something really stupid. I simply told her I know. She was pissed about that.
The convo went on and I told her that she is still the same person that I met and fell in love with. She says no she's not she's changed a lot. Here's my really sh*tty part, I tell her that I know you THINK you changed, but you haven't; not in any real and substantial way. Now she's really pissed. She tells me that NOW she can see why no one likes me. I say nothing. I just get out of the car and head to the restaurant. She meets me there and I don't say a word. She tells me that she is sorry for saying what she said and I told her it's OK b/c I didn't take any of it on. I know my truth, which is that I get along with other people VERY well. I ask her if she really meant what she said or if she was just trying to hurt me. She said she didn't want to have THAT conversation. I just let it drop.
My C told me that my W is expert at making things up and saying things that will upset me. C also asked me what I am waiting for with my W. I told my C that I believe that since I am working to change, I believe that she can change too. My C said that after 12 years of A.A. she would be expert at behaving like a reaponsible adult, being in an adult relationship and owning up to her "stuff." C continues on by saying that after all of this time, and she is still behaving like this she is NOT going to change. C said that she was just attending meetings, not really working her program to heal herself. As you said, Frank. She was an A.A. junkie. IMO, she was trying to relive jr. high/HS and be part of the "in crowd."
I don't know what damaging story W told OM last night when she was drunk. I do know this. OM is finding out what he is getting into for real now with my W. Hope he likes what he finds since he's sleeping with my W. Not really. I hope he takes a hike now.
THIS is why my backsliding today really kicks me in the nuts. Assuming she pissed him off and he is done, my backsliding will only re-inforce that she already believes that I am NOT the one for her. Ugh! I am really working to let it go. I can't change it now. I do know that I owned up to my mistake and reminded her that I will continue to ask myself these three questions before opening my mouth to her: 1) Is it true?; 2) Is it kind? and 3) Is it necessary? She listened and said she had forgiven me, as she always does. If only THAT were true. She still has not forgiven me for my A, hence I am still neck deep in my sitch. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I will start anew DB/DRing like a champ.
Quote: I would think you could 'goad' the 'the "Marriage Cancer,"' woman into telling you how your W was unhappy with you for years and was not such an angel with other men, or confirm that she was faithful.
I would think she would be happy to tell you this if it was true. It gives her 'power'. Not sure how I would ask it though. Maybe something like "I know she was unhappy for years. She would stay out late and I knew she was with someone else". Just to see what response you get.
I probably could goad Ms. Marriage Cancer into revealing my W's mistakes, but I wouldn't really gain anything from knowing. W is the one who has to live with any mistakes she has made and my knowing what they are would truly sesrve NO purpose. I love my W. I will simply work on backing off lovingly. I do wish her well and I hope we both work towards being the people that God always intended both of us to be.
Quote: Yes, she is watching. You're still doing well.
As I told Amy, I certainly hope she is watching. Again, I will continue working to keep myself above reproach. I will also work to learn from my backsliding and NOT beat myself up to much for my inevitable mistakes. I am continuing to do what I've done here from very early on, which is to keep on keepin' on, nurture my PMA and continue fighting the good fight.
Thank you all for being here for me. I lean on all of you more than you will ever know. Most people in my every day life have no idea why I am still hopeful despite how bleak everything looks. My courage and strength comes from The Lord and from all of you. I don't feel alone and the grade of my uphill battle is less steep than it would be if I didnt' have all of you to run up this hill with me.
I was watching Band of Brothers again this week and there is a scene when an A-hole captain sends a private on a 12-mile hike again b/c he disobeyed an order. The scene shows the paratrooper struggling up a steep hill and then, out of nowhere, 3 of his fellow paratroopers ran up behind him and they all picked up the pace because the first paratrooper was no longer alone in his journey and the fellowship/encouragement pulled him along faster and stronger. You all are my fellow paratroopers, pulling me up my hill even though you don't have to, simply because you want to. Thank you all for believing in me and giving of yourselves.
I didn't plan it this way, it just worked out this way, but....
