Quote: HH, I don't know if you're "right" or "wrong" in how you are doing things but I DO think you have figured out who you want to be and are being him now. I don't sense much hesitation or insecurity. I see you following a clear path. What I am not sure of, nor would I suspect are you, is where that path leads.
I actually don't care if I am right or wrong in the way I am dealing with my sitch. I am simply not going to watch my M dissolve by doing more of the same. I love my wife and want to restore, rebuild, and reconcile my M. I want to live under the same roof with our children EVERY day. I know that moving into my own place has given me my strength, dignity and sense of self back. I love having my children come to spend the night with me on MY nights, rather than going to her house to be with them. I wish I knew where my present path was leading, but you're right, I don't know. I do feel where I know where my old path was leading. Like the Talking Heads sing, "We're on the road to NOWHERE," and I didn't want to go nowhere.
My W was recently telling me how much she misses our children since she has been back at work full time and that it's been really hard on her. She started to tell me that since she is now a single mom and needs to work full time and it's been really difficult on her and that she was thinking of talking to me about re-negotiating our alotted time with the children. I tell her, I have them only 38% (yes, I calculated it to the hour) of them time. I also tell her that I understand all of her feelings associated wtih missing the children and remind her that our children are OUR children and that I miss them as much as she does and I haven't had the benefit of livig with them during our entire time we've been apart. I also tell her that SHE was the one telling me how much of a pain in the a$$ it was for her to have me come over and invade HER space to be with our children and how I was lucky that she was so kind to allow that. I told her that now that I have my own place I feel much more settled and I also would love to have our children with me much more.
W tells me that towards the end (just prior to me getting my own place), she stopped feeling put out by me need to see our childrn at her place. More of her selfish BS, IMHO. She continues on by telling me that at least she would come home and the children would still be home with her, I am thinking to myself, well that's too F-ing bad. This is the path that YOU have chosen in not wanting to even try to reconcile our M and keep our family together. Of course, all of that stayed in my head. I simply listened and empathized. I DID say to her though, that you are NOT a single mom and you don't HAVE TO go back to work full time. Of course though, on her present path of choice she does, but she blames her choices on my A only still. In my opinion, her choices lay in her inability to forgive and move forward. She chooses to blow through hurt, harbor and nurture her anger and continually tattoo me with blame for my A.
I have atoned for my wrongdoing. I have tried to make amends to her for my betrayal. I have accepted responsibility. I have promised honesty and fidelity. I continue to look at and work on myself. I take care of our children (& her). And now I am in the process of recognizing who the man is that God always intended me to be and claiming him. I have re-claimed my "pair." I am being a man without being an A-hole. My backsliding has been pretty minimal and I have made apologies when apologies are warranted.
In short, I am clear on the path that I have been taking lately and need to continue to take. As I said in my previous post, I am no longer afraid and I don't feel that I need my W; I simply WANT my W and WANT to remain married to her and have the opportunity build a better, stronger, happier, more respectful and loving M than before.
I would love to have more children with her. I would love for her to commit to our M completely. I am willing to make that same commitment. I am unwilling to swallow what I previously swallowed during our M. I will speak my truth. I will set my boundaries. I will respect myself and her. I will honor my W by always being open, honest and unafraid. I will not take my old M back. I know that I am 50% responsible for deterioration of my M. I accept that. I pray that my W will be able to see and own her 50% before it is too late. For now, I hope, I pray and I keep myself open to the possibility of reconciliation.
Quote: To be sure, you are in a better place today than a month ago. Take heart in that.
I am in a much better place. I have passed out of the "I NEED my wife room, and I am scared to death of losing her" room, and moved into the, "I WANT my wife and marriege, and I am sad that she may hold to her path of ending our marriage" room. Different view of my world; different feeling; a better place. In THAT I do take heart. TY
One final note. My son's 1st birhday party was a blast. He is so beautiful and perfect and such a daddy's boy. For that matter, my D is a daddy's girl.
Tonight my MIL was trying to boss me around and get me to do what she wanted me to do at my son's bithday party. I simply held my ground and socialized with our guests. SHE is the person who decided to let my F-up out and decided to be my judge, jury and executioner. I work on continuing to hold my tongue when I deal with her.
The other thing that has become more and more clear during my sitch, is that our friends do not harbor ill feelings towards me for my A. They continue to be friendly and open to continuing our relationship whether I with my W or not. THAT is a nice feeling and a boost to my sense of self and self-esteem. Hell,even "Marriage Cancer" (W's friend) was trying to be friendly to me tonight asking me what I thought of her new BF. Of course I was cordial and respectful even though I had a burning desire to warn him off.
And lastly, today is my son's 1st birthday. My W seemed to be rushing us out of the house because she said she wanted me to get our son a bottle and into bed. I truly felt it was b/c she was expecting OM over tonight. At some point, the fact that our S did not sleep in the same house with her on his 1st birthday and the fact that our D will not sleep in the same house with her on D's 6th birthday will hit her hard. Another cold, hard fact of the choices she is making. In case you were wondering, TH are MY days and our children's birthdays both fall on Thursdays this year. Plus, my D5 will have a friends' skating party on the Saturday after her birthday and THAT is my weekend. I didn't plan it this way, it just worked out this way, but....
I didn't plan it this way, it just worked out this way, but....
