Today is my son's FIRST birthday!! I am so happy that he is in my life. He is so beautiful and perfect.
more journaling- 8/10/06- On Tuesday, my W came to me and said she needed to talk. I told her I am working right now and would be happy to talk with her later. She continues that she wants to discuss re-introducing OM and our children. Again, I tell her that is something we need to discuss and THEN make a decision on and I was available to do so after work. She continues still and tells me that she has already invited OM over for dinner and was just calling to inform me. Can you say elevated blood pressure?
I stoppped working and told her, well now you have ruined my work day and you have my full attention, so talk. She continues on by telling me that she spoke with OM and they decided now was the appropriate time to re-introduce them all. I told my W, there you go again, making unilateral decisions regarding OUR children. We agreed that we would discuss your feelings/need to re-introduce our children and OM and ALL you have done is call me up to tell me what you are going to do. That is not a discussion. That is simply you telling me of YOUR decision that you arrived at with OM regarding OUR children. She gets defensive and tells me you don't control me.
I simply tell her, I know I don't control you. You exercise your unilateral decisions all the time w/o regard for our agreements. I simply tell you which agreements you have chosen to dishonor. But then again, she didn't ask me if it was OK to begin her affairs and contnue on in this affair with OM.
My W was asking me if I could get together last night to do more shopping for our son's birthday party. I told her that we had agreed to do it all today (8/10). She decided that she wanted to do it last night b/c she was now working FT for her mother. More on that in a minute. I then told her that I had plans last night.
Immediately, she starts in on, with who? I simply tell her a friend. She asks me which friend? I simply say a friend. She says you won't tell me? I simply say it's a friend. She then tells me I always told you when you asked. I said really? Like when you would tell me you were going on a signing and then you'd be gone for 4-5 hours? Like when you did a signing and then went out to dinner and drinks with a friend and showed up home drunk? Well, he was a friend. I said do you still go out with this friend; stay in contact? She says no. I say, friend, huh?
She then tells me that her life is now an open book. I tell her not even close. She says yes it is. She asks why I tell her that I have plans with a friend. I say where do you think I picked that up? I picked it up from you. You would always tell me you were going out with "a frieind", man or womaan. You also made it clear that your private life was private and that your private time was YOUR time. We are where we are right now because of YOUR decisions. She says MY decisions? YOU made the decision to have the A. I said yes, I did and I have told that that was wrong and have held to that. I haove apologized profusely. You have chosen you path and your stance since and THAT is where we are. I don't blame you. That is simply truth.
I tell her then why when I ask you quesstions about OM you are evasive. You are wanting OM to be in our children's lives more intimately. I want to feel more comfortable about the sitch. My W tells me that they can't take the R to the "next level" until she sees how they all interact. I ask what is the next level? I am thinking you're already sleeping with him.
She continues that she is always truthful with me and that I am the liar. I tell her that I do not lie to her anymore. She says when she asked me, point blank, if I was having an A with OW I told her no. I told her yes I did lie about it THEN. I was mortified, afraid, and embarassed. I now have an overwhelming desire to be open, honest and truthful and have been since we separated. She knows this to be true. She continues asking me if I have plans with my GF and I say No, I am married and and I take that very seriously. Dating would be wrong. Period. She retorts, for YOU! I say, I was talking about ME. She got the point. <---Thanks Frank!
My experience with her is that shes lies incessantly, either blatantly or by omission. I don't trust much of what she says these days. THAT is a sad change because I used to trust her w/o question. She would often return home 3-4 hours late w/o a phone call, w/o answering her cell phone and w/o an explanation other than I was out with my friends. In retrospect, I never even quesioned that unaccpetable BS behavior. I trusted her. Now I think, hmmm...?
Yesterday, my W tells me that she is taking over my ex-coworker's work. She makes it sound like MIL forced her to do it and she didn't want to do so. I walk into my MIL's office and mention that MIL gave the work to W and she says W volunteered to take that work on. I walked back to my W and told her that I belive she is a person of honesty and integrity and would appreciate if her conversations with me would reflect that. She says I AM. I said then why don't you behave like that? She says what are you talking about. I tell her that she made it sound like MIL shoved this work that she didn't want down your throat and W only ruluctantly took it on. I said when I talked to you mother she said you VOLUNTEERED to take on the work. I told my wife that her story and MIL's were mutually exclusive. They cnanot coexist. One was truth and the other was dishonest. I told her the end result is the same. It's just that I appreciate honesty and integrity. She apologizes for her version of the story and how she painted it. I just think, WHATEVER, I am only asking that you speak with authenticity and truth. I know I am expecting too much from W at this point. As Frank said, I am way far ahead of her in this journey. I need to temper my expectations because I am only setting her up for failure and me up for disappointment and emotional pain.
Back to OM convo. W tells me that she and OM can't take their relationship to the next level w/o re-intruducing him to our children. I tell my W that she hasn't put our children's needs and well-being first in her life since we'v been apart. She has continually put her needs firmly ahead of theirs. She insists that THAT is not true. I said really? Then who's needs were you thinking of when you called up OM and told him to meet you at the coffeeshop to meet D5, hers? She says we have already gone over that. I say, yes, and it's still just as wrong. W says that she needs to see how OM and the children will interact at this point and that if he doesn't do well with them then the R will be over. I am thinking, RIIIIGGGGHHHTTT, mmmhmmm! I tell her if (I am thinkging WHEN) this R doesn't work out, are you going to introduce our children to you next OM at 6 weeks? She says maybe that was too soon and a mistake. I tell her NOT maybe. It absolutely was too soon and a mistake. She admits she was wrong and that that will not happen again with a different OM. I simply don't believe her.
My good friend tells me just wait until fall/winter. She will get sick a lot like she normally does. He tells me back off like you plan to and see how OM responds to taking care of her. You (I) have taken care of her up till now. I am not doing it anymore. If it doesn't involve our children, I am busy, I have plans, or I simply don't want to. That simple.
My W asked me yesterday, do you know something about what is happening with our D? I said no. She didn't believe me. Neither she nor I have heard back from the mediator I told her if I had heard something I certainly would have told her. I know that I still have no acknowledged receiving my paperwork. I suppose at some point I will, but I am not in a hurry. I'll see how her R with OM pans out and then decide when I am going to sign them.
I have decided that I don't want to argue with her about anything anymore. She is going to do what she is going to do. I can't control that. I will work on controlling my expectations, GAL, working on me, loving my children and moving forward. I am inching closer to becoming happy, healthy and whole again. Plus the ground underneath my feet has become firm again.
I am so happy that he is in my life. He is so beautiful and perfect.
