Quote: What I need to be careful of, like you have said, is that I don't go overboard in asserting myself (she's not used to me asserting myself at all) and that I don't beat the shi*t out of myself emotionally for backsliding.
Yes, there is a balance somewhere in all that. HOWEVER you know for a fact that as you DO assert yourself you DO get noticed by her and it DOES make you seem more attractive to her. That is a fact.
I certainly hope so, but more importantly, these changes in me are changes I will keep to better me as a person and my relationships with other, W included.
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Quote: While driving to the stores, my W starts texting on her phone. I ask her to stop texting while I am in her presence. ...etc... Again, she doesn't share my point of view. Perhaps I am wrong. What do you think?
You are dead on correct. Just in a general sense Cell Phones and Text messaging have made us into a society of rude people. An article o forbes.com says:
"A quick Web search has some common ones, such as speaking loudly in a public area, responding to messages or e-mail while in a conversation or a meeting with someone else, even having an extended conversation on the phone in the middle of a conversation or a meeting. There are plenty of sites devoted to proper cell phone etiquette, which outline basic tips, like asking permission before photographing strangers with a mobile-phone camera, not shouting and not answering the phone when sitting in a restaurant with a group of people. Other sites point out e-mail and messaging etiquette."
Thank you for pointing this out. After pointing my view out to my W, she tries to make me think that my boundary is about my trying to control her. What she doesn't see is that my setting my boundaries and sticking to them is really about trying to control ME!
Quote: So you can certainly feel justified in your comments to her.
Thank you. I don't feel so damn alone about my view now.
Quote: With my W I came home two different times and she was on the cell phone talking to OM. The second time I made her end the conversation then told her that I did NOT want her to bring her adultery into the common area of the house or around the children or me.
Scared the hell out of her because I MEANT it. I didn't DEBATE it with her. I said this is the way it is. I won't have it. At the time we were 'getting divorced' like you are so debating what I expect her to do in my presence wasn't going to happen.
She could respect my boundaries or get out, like you were going to take her home if she didn't stop.
End the debates. It's YOUR life now. There is nothing wrong with setting rules and boundaries and enforcing them.
I agree with your view. Even though we don't live together, I still control what I will allow myself to be subjected to. If someone won't show me respect, I will vote with my feet and cease the interaction until my boundaries are respected.
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Quote: I am adamant about not being willing to take my old M back. I won't go back into our M as the same person and I won't take her back as the same person either. Any stagnation is more ingredients for recreating the failed portions of our M.
Yep. Good for you. You really can't 'go back' you can only 'go forward'.
That's what I want to do. Unfortunately, W won't allow any progress except to chase OM and see where it leads. This is a sitch that if I were a betting person, I'd bet that this is going to end suddenly and badly. All I need to do is back off and D myself from the sitch. As you say, just smile and wave (and love and care for our children, of course).
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Quote: We end up going back to her house and she invites me to stay for dinner. I do. It's a nice time. Unfortunately, the nice times only confuse me and our D5 as to why my W is so fixed in her present mindset. My D is incredibly sad and confused and my W doesn't seem to notice even a little bit.
I wouldn't have stayed for dinner. You put yourself in HER environment so she could feel like she had control of you, even a little. You need to avoid that while she is in the midst of an affair. Remember this: She is DISRESPECTING you and your children by having an affair. YOU are showing her respect when you stay for dinner. Has she earned that respect?
She IS having an affair. She IS disrespecting me and our children. No she has cesrtainly NOT earned my respect with her behavior. Absolutely not. No more. She has her life and I have my life and we share two beautiful, perfect children. We are separate. I will continue to GAL and move foreward as though we will not reconcile.
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Quote: Today, I walked into work and walked right past her several times. After about 10 minutes, I looked up and she was looking at me. I smiled and said hello and went on about my business. My work day was busy but productive.
Just 'Smile and wave, smile and wave'. Don't put anything that remotely looks like 'feelings' into it. After doing that for a week with my W she started to get really uncomfortable knowing I didn't need her at all.
Today is day one. No talks except about our children. None. Nothing.
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Quote: My fear is that she will come in and try to manage me without being my boss. I talked to her about some of the "stuff" she has been doing lately which really negatively impact my work flow and the only thing she has to say about that is, "Well, that's how I work." My point exactly.
And then you say "That may be true. I am making the point that it is not how I work and because of that we can't work together unless you change how you interact with me." This is not a debate.
This I will do also. Be respectful, be clear, be firm.
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Quote: Too bad they don't treat me like I am a person/worker of value.
Question: If you started to say 'no' to doing things all the time because you're busy / overextended what would they do? Perhaps they don't treat you with value because you do too much to fix things all the time and they simply do not SEE what you are doing? All the little things in the background. I've done that in the past - had my hands in every place in the company and nobody really saw what I was doing for them until I STOPPED and only did what I was required to do.
They WILL see all the stuff that I "fix" starting tomorrow. I am going to stick with my core job responsibilities. One huge problem I see is that I have always stepped up to the plate and taken on responsibilities for tasks that needed to be done simply because the tasks need to be done. THEN, all of these tasks I have taken on morph into my ever expanding list of job responsibilities because only I am willing to tackle tasks as they come up.
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Quote: My saving grace is that I can see very clearly what my sh*t was that contributed to the deterioration of our M. She still doesn't see her part and I am not sure she ever will. She has maintained that I am 99% of the problem in our M and she is MAYBE 1%!! Maybe.
That will be the turning point, when she does see the light.
Keep your distance, and hold your ground. You are way ahead of her in this journey.
I hope that I am not so far ahead of her that she loses sight of me while lagging behind mired in her narcissistic existence. I love her. I pray for her. I pray for me. I pray for our children.
No talks except about our children. None. Nothing.
