Quote: How's they hanging HH? (lol) See, I am giving you credit for having something to "hang" right off the bat
They are hanging fine, TY for asking. What I need to be careful of, like you have said, is that I don't go overboard in asserting myself (she's not used to me asserting myself at all) and that I don't beat the shi*t out of myself emotionally for backsliding.
more journaling- 08/07/06
Today was an interesting day, especially after yesterday. Yesterday, I called my W at 6:15 and left a msg to see if I she was going to church and taking our children with her (her weekend). She called me back to say she wasn't planning on going and I could take our D5 to church with me.
I arrived at the house and my D was still asleep and when I woke her she said she did not want to go to church. My W came in about that time and suggested that I not go to church and take the family to breakfast. I agreed. I don't want to hear about that mistake, I wanted to be with my family and took the opportunity to do so.
We went to breakfast and then I went downtown for work for awhile while they all took naps. When I came back, we went shopping for my son's 1st Bday. While driving to the stores, my W starts texting on her phone. I ask her to stop texting while I am in her presence. The reason for asking her not to text in my presence is b/c she has had text conversations with OM in my presence. Sad thing is, she doesn't see it as rude or that there is anything wrong with her beahvior. She continues on texting and I turn the car around to head back to her house. She starts getting pissed at me for "controlling" her. She insists she was texting her sister. I tell her that she know exactly why I have an issue with her texting in my presence; exactly. I also told her it's extremely rude; same as carrying on a conversation with one person when you are in the company of another person. Again, she doesn't share my point of view. Perhaps I am wrong. What do you think?
We end up going shopping, but she doesn't ever actually see her behavior or own up to it's negative impact on others, particularly me. This is the one aspect of my W that makes me doubt our ability to restore and reconcile our M.
I am adamant about not being willing to take my old M back. I won't go back into our M as the same person and I won't take her back as the same person either. Any stagnation is more ingredients for recreating the failed portions of our M.
We end up going back to her house and she invites me to stay for dinner. I do. It's a nice time. Unfortunately, the nice times only confuse me and our D5 as to why my W is so fixed in her present mindset. My D is incredibly sad and confused and my W doesn't seem to notice even a little bit.
Today, I walked into work and walked right past her several times. After about 10 minutes, I looked up and she was looking at me. I smiled and said hello and went on about my business. My work day was busy but productive.
Tonight, my W tells me that she wants to run something by me. I tell her that I am listening. She tells me that her mother wants her to come back and work for the business. She tells me a bunch of stuff and also tells me that she is afraid of coming back to work for her mother because it has already failed miserably twice.
W wants to know my thoughts on the subject and what I will do if she does come back to work more than she does now. I tell her it is a lousy idea and will most likely fail because she and her mother are the same people with she same dynamics. I tell her that their mother-daughter relationship is much more important than the proposed business relationship they were considering rekindling.
I also tell her that if she takes on a larger role with the company, that I will most likely quit shortly because working together was disastrous for our M and I can see that clearly now looking back. We had to hang up right then and I think she called her mother to tell her what I said because when we resumed the convo, she was telling me how she wouldn't manage over anyone (including me).
I tell her that she isn't managing now and is always trying to manage me, the same way she did before at home and at work. I told her that behavior is in her nature with regard to me. She inisists that she has changed. I don't want to argue the point with her (I don't see ANY change in her, only amplification of her old behavior/personality. I only say, OK, I will take you at your word that you have changed.
My fear is that she will come in and try to manage me without being my boss. I talked to her about some of the "stuff" she has been doing lately which really negatively impact my work flow and the only thing she has to say about that is, "Well, that's how I work." My point exactly. She says she's changed and I don't see the changes in her behavior. I see her doing the same "stuff" she did before when we worked together.
The other thing I see happening is that I will continue to be treated like a mushroom by MIL and W there. I will be sprinkled with BS and kept in the dark on most issues. Sad, but I know that if I left that business right now it would be in a world of hurt. Too bad they don't treat me like I am a person/worker of value.
Well, if my MIL and W decide to go thru with their thoughts, I will begin looking for a new job in earnest again. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I wish my W would only acknowledge that she and I both contributed pretty equally to the deterioration of our M over time. No, she didn't have an affair, I own that, but we both contributed to the rocky terrain that helped facilitate my F-ed up journey to stupidville.
My saving grace is that I can see very clearly what my sh*t was that contributed to the deterioration of our M. She still doesn't see her part and I am not sure she ever will. She has maintained that I am 99% of the problem in our M and she is MAYBE 1%!! Maybe.
And so I work on me. Lots of clay to work with to build a better me.
Everyday, I pray for the strength to back away lovingly from my W. Often my interactions with her are painful b/c her attitude is my constant reminder that we are not on the road to recovery as a married couple. And yes, I know that some hurts/damage are beyond my healing abilities and need to be turned over to God. So I lay my M, myself, my W, and my family at the foot of the cross to be saved by His blood.
Amy's words for me to STOP talking hit me hard tonight like a freight train running over me. I was talking too much again tonight, and as usual fully convinced I am right, and I caused hurt, irritaation and damage tonight that I did not need to cause. I have decided to follow the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say...." My new litmus test for everything is to ask myself 3 questions befor opening my mouth is:
Quote: 1. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Now, if what I have to say can't pass muster on ALL 3 questions, I will keep my thoughts to myself.
