INTERESTING CONVERSATION BETWEEN W AND D5 TONIGHT!!
Tonight is my night with our children. Since I say goodnight to our D5 each night, I encourage D to call mommy to say goodnight when D is with me for the night. Anyway, D is talking to W on the phone and D begins grilling mommy on what mommy has been doing tonight after softball. Mommy tells her that she went to dinner with OM! (I suppose THAT doesn't cross the line b/c, at least D5 isn't being "mingled" with OM, per my request.) At this point, D is clearly agitated and begins asking mommy why she spends so much time with OM? She also tells mommy that she (D) needs mommy to break up with OM b/c mommy needs to spend time with D. D then askes mommny if she loves OM and is going to marry him? I can tell that mommy says he is a friend. D then starts chanting fire mommy, fire mommy; I don't want you to get married.
I am standing across the room hearing what D is saying and feeding my S. I didn't show any body language, but inside my head I was cringing and shaking my head, because I know that W will believe that I put D5 up to the questioning. I did not. My conversations about mommy with D are very boring and antiseptic, on purpose.
D goes on. D then talks about OM sleeping on daddy's side of the bed. D also says that the babysitter saw OM naked and was talking about our other neighbor across the street seeing OM in another compromising position.
I feel so bad for my D that her mommy is acting like a slutty school girl instead of a married woman with two children. I have read other sitches on this site where the children viewed mommy as acting like a teenager and not a responsible parent/adult. I know I can't save my wife from herself and her actions. I also know I can't be an apologist for my W to my D. I did talk to her about not being judgmental and explaining what judgmenet means.
Sidebar: mommy actually called around 8:20 PM and D was already bathed and on her way to bed. My W always harps on keeping our children on a schedule, and despite our talks and W's promises to follow the schedule, I am the only one who does so. W always has the children OUT an hour past their bedtime (and bedtime is after bathing and reading stroies). Oh, well, I can only clean my side of the street, right?
Quote: Can you give us some more insight into the way you and W interacted up to a year ago, and in the beginning of the M?
Sure, W told me she felt trapped b/c she was pregnant when we go married. Sad thing is, she had the option to NOT get married, but wanted to, or so I thought. Side bar: during our sitch, I have been told that "the friendly bet" around the office when the found out W was getting M was that it would last 6 months max. Now these people DID NOT know me then. They only knew HER and her past relationship behavior. Prior to me, her longest R was 1 year. The LONGEST!
After D5 was born, W was still in A.A. and would go regularly. I would sometimes attend with her and would marvel at the "jr. high crowd" it seemed to be. Most of W's crowd would hang out outside, smoke and BS the entire meeting. There was clearly an "in" crowd. Sick. You used a term, A.A. junkies. I had never heard that. I liked that term. If I combine the terms, it'd be the jr. high A.A. junkies.
Recently I read an article on D today. The author stated that D id so prevalent b/c M today is for ME, not for survival, us, or family. So, when someone gets married they bring a whole bag filled with unmet needs from their whold life and they give that bag full of invisible unmet needs to their spouse and expet the spouse to meet these invisible unmet needs. Impossible, for the most part without outstanding regular imtimate communication, which most of us do not have the skill to achieve.
Quote: You seem to say that she was belittling you all the time. Can you explain?
Yes, her personality (derived from her mother) was one of constant measuring, criticism and showing her displeasure. She has some OCD traits and I quickly took on the "responsibility" of trying to make her happy in the marriage by measuring up for a person who is almost impossible to please.
Quote: And did she do this when dating?
Not really, but here is a huge red flag that I overlooked that seemingly gave her a green flag for what behavior I would aceept towards me from her. Around our 2nd or 3rd date, she was going to wash her car. I was there and she was doing laundry so I offered to wash the car. I did so. She walked out, took one look at the car, pulled out the bucket, filled it up again and re-washed the car without saying a word to me. In retrospect, the right thing to do would have been to leave right then.
Quote: there is no way she will come back to the relationship with you until you can prove to yourself and to her that you don't F*&^ING need her to survive. You said you had a codependent relationship, well she needs to see you are past that before she will move an inch. Right now she sees you as a pathetic person she can walk all over because, well, you have been UNTIL NOW. When you break that spell on yourself and you DON'T feel like you need her she will get scared because the train is leaving and she want's to be on it!
I am working on detaching more each day. I wish it was easier for me, but it's not. Some days I am doing better than others which makes my consistency awful. I am back on the job search train. While looking for different employment, I will continue striving to detach. My goal is that every day I am better at detaching than was yesterday.
Quote: You need to say NO more often. Use your words carefully and say very liitle but know that what you DO say has impact.
I have been saying NO more often, and then I backslide. I am doing better at not beating myself up for backsliding and just using it as a learning tool for the future. Talking too much is another flaw which rears it's ugly head in my sitch. Working on limiting that too. I know fewer carefully selected words can have a HUGE impact.
Quote: Words are powerful tools.
My W's most effective weapon is her mouth.
Quote: Never ever react to anything she says. Always stop and think before you respond. Always. And remember that sometimes the best response is to smile and walk away.
Quote: I'm not sure if somehow you thought I was coming across as contridicting you in some way? Must be mis-communication on my part.
Not at all. I was just agreeing with you and pointing out that what you were saying was similar to what I said too. Just adding fuel to that particular fire.
I have missed your posts, perspective and insights. Am I to look forward to more "darkness" from you?
I've been otherwise occupied for the last few days, HH. It's not intentional. I haven't been on much.
All right that wasn't the whole truth.
At the beginning of the week someone mentioned a website here. Curiosity got the better of me and I went to see what all the fuss was about. That was a stupid thing to do. DAMN STUPID. I now know things I never, EVER should have known. I have seen things I NEVER, EVER should have seen. I looked for 2 days, HH. How freaky is that!?
