Quote: I understand where this is coming from though. She is hurt, angry, feels embarassed and betrayed and is also feeling the need to "save face" because all of the "stuff" she has heaped upon me to friends and acquaintances in the wake of my mistake. I am sure she does not want to look weak or bad after all of that. But, as my MIL has told me, I made a mistake and have worked very hard to atone for my A and to make amends to my W. My MIL says I have paid enough and I need to stand up for myself and stop being my W's doormat and/or whipping post.
None of these reasons are permission for her to be an A-HOLE. She's doing it because she CAN. Sounds to me like she has a BIG EGO and your MIL is right - Stop putting up with it. Look HH, she's doing what she's doing because she WANTS to. Nobody is making her do it. IF, as your MIL says, you have 'atoned' enough then I say your W is a total jerk who is selfish and immature.
I hate to agree with my MIL (SERIOUS issue with her), but MIL is correct. I know my W is doing what she is doing because she wants to and can.
I have atoned for my F-up. I have made it clear from the beginning that my A was NOT my wanting out of the M, despite what my W thinks/feels. I have apologized profusely, promised monogamy, told her I wanted to restore and reconcile our M, worked on me, assisted her in whatever way she allowed, taken her abuse and retaliated minimally towards her, endured her selfish behavior, etc.
I do agree, she has a big EGO and has NO right to be an A-hole. Unfortunately, the EGO is a mask that she wears to hide her huge insecurities that she has carried since childhood. Problem is, despite 12 years in A.A. and reading tons of self-help books, NONE of it seems to have penetrated her heart and soul. All of that knowledge is superficial, at best. She can quote what the books say, but she hasn't really applied the learnings in her life She has a narcissitic personality disorder. THAT makes it tough for me, because I fell under that spell and gave up my true self in trying to woo her and subsequently make our M work by subjegating my wants/needs to hers to my own detriment and unhappiness, hoping that she would change.
She hasn't. I am a textbook definition of a co-dependent (CD) with her and I am struggling to loosen the CD grip. I am making headway, but not as fast or as much as I would like. But then again, my own guage for me now is that, I strive to make ME better than I was yesterday, everday.
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Quote: I have not heard anything back, but since he is OUR mediator I am not sure if she has heard anything, and I am not in the mood to ask her. I believe since he is working for both of us, dealing with only one of us would be unethical.
And possibly illegal. Read your contract with him. Call him and ASK what the answers to her questions are.
I tried to find the docs at the house today, but couldn't find them. Looks like I am going to need to call the mediator's office and get a copy because I don't want to call my W and start that fight. I know it will all work itself as it should. My job is to keep on keepin' on striving to be a better me. It's the damn journey I am on that is so painful.
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Quote: BTW, I have never told W that I will not quitclaim the house to her. I also find it interesting/disturbing that she already wants her maiden name back. It has been my experience that most woment who have children are NOT in a huge hurry to change their last name and have a different last name from their children, unless they ARE getting re-M shortly. Who knows what's on her mind except anger for me? I suppose this can all be chalked up to her present state of mind.
I think you should tell her you aren't just going to quitclaim on the house. IN her present state she will be furious because she is not getting her way BUT she will also see that YOU are not a doormat and YOU are not rolling over for her. It may have an effect on her.
Working up the nerve to do that. Not that doing so will make the marital waters, in which I find myself, any more treacherous.
I generally give myself too much credit for having the ability to change the direction in which W's mind flies at warp speed. One thing I can say about her. She has been adamant about wanting out of the M, despite the few very encouraging R conversations she has allowed herslf to have. Too seriously distracted by OM to deal with anything other than the fantasy world she and OM occupy ATM.
Quote: As far as changing her name to 'get married' that's lame. I don't believe it. She's still married to you so I think it's really designed just to hurt YOU. And you don't have to have your 'maiden name' to get married to someone. I wouldn't give it much creedence.
I already chalked it up to her feelings of righteous vengeance for me. Makes her feel better about having an A right now, I suppose.
Quote: Overall HH I think you need to spank her more. It's one of the few instances where you MIL is right. Be firm but caring. SHe is way messed up and to be honest I think this is her TRUE nature.
Frank, what do you mean by her true nature? Specifically, what behavior? All of it?I do know this. She would always tell me specific behavior her mother would act out that W did not like. W would always tell me to tell her is she acted out ANY of those behavior. I would and she would just get pissed, so I stopped doing it. My W is one who will not allow anyone to stay in her life, unless that person bends their will to W's, other than her mother. BTW, W is just like her mother despite her protestations to that fact. She is MIL, jr. The apple certainly did not fall far from the tree.
And yet, I still pray that God will touch her heart so that she will be open to living her life differently. I pray that He will touch up ears so that she will hear His message. I pray that He will touch her eyes so that she will see His vision. I pray that He will continue to bestow His grace, patience, love, and mercy to her.
