Today was a nice, but hectic day with our children. No phone calls from my W asking me to extend my time with our children. I called on my way there and dropped the off on time. I put their stuff away and told my W that all of the clothes I brought back for them were clean and most everything was put away. She asked if their clothers were put away and I told her no, the clothes are in the black back on D's floor. I kissed our children goodbye and left right away, telling them all that I would see them again tomorrow night. THAT was my shortest stay there EVER. I am truly working to emotionally separate from my W. I know the direction she has us headed and doing more of the sameis simply slowly choking the remaining breath out of my M. I have nothing to lose by changing the status quo. If I continue on with the same MO, my M is gone. My pair will not allow that to happen without turning over EVERY stone to find what I can do that will help turn this runaway D train around. I am clear on this, though. I have not prayed nearly enough for myself, for my W, for our M, and for our children. My plan now is to be in near-constant intercession (prayer: learned a new word in today's sermon )
Today the pastor said that prayer is conversation with God. He also said prayer is about miracles. We need to pray for miracles because if we pray for the easy stuff, no glory goes to God. Praying for that which cannot be accomplished w/o God assures glory will be attributed to Him. For me, THAT DID PREACH! The pastor also told us that he prays with a pen and paper to help keep him focused. He suggested that we get a prayer journal. I have one now. I often find my prayers rambling and unfocused, then I am not happy with my praying. How troubled am I? I certainly don't need to feel that way after praying. The pastor also offered some quotes along the lines of Psalm 143 10Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may Your good spirit lead me on level ground. Here are the quotes. Some of them may not be as accurate as is would like.
Oswald Chambers- Prayer does not fit us for the greater work. Prayer is the greater work.
Oswald Chambers- Never make the blunder of trying to forecast the way God is going to answer your prayers.
Unknown- The purpose of prayer is not to inform God of your needs, but to invite Him to rule our lives.
Unknown- The real tragedy of our prayers is not that God doesn't answer our prayers, but that we are praying for the wrong things and that when God does answer what we were truly asking for, we don't recognize it. *The pastor also said that the Holy Spirit translates our misguided prayers for God so that our true prayers will be heard. I don't know if anyone else believes that, but it made sense to me and I do.
James Hudson Taylor- I used to ask God to help me. Then I asked if I might help Him. I ended up asking Him to do His work through me.
Unknown- Before we can pray, "Thy Kindgom come..." we must be willing to pray, "My kingdom go..." *That one hit me hard. I am so controlling when it comes to my life. I am expert and mucking it up. I gotta give up the reins.
As I said, I tried to make my notes as accurate as possible, but I am going to get an audio copy today's sermon. I missed one quote today.
I am not as sad today as I anticipated in standing firm in what I believe is correct with my W. I understand standing firm does not mean being unfeeling or being and A-hole. I will constantly check my heart with my thinking and my thinking with my heart to find the proper balance to be the man that God always intended for me to be.
My M may end despite my DB/DR efforts, but I want to come to that day being able to look at myself in the mirror in the knowledge that I did everything within my power to redeem myself through repentance, to restore my M with proper, loving, respectful behavior towards my W, to reconcile my M by setting and respecting my own boundaries and being respectful of my W's boundaries.
I pray for the miracle of the restoration and reconciliation of my M, because I understand that the necessary healing will only come from God.
)
