Need Help Staying on my Feet, Part 5

[Still_Standing]

...and one of the ways that you must acheive that is to forgive yourself for your indiscretion. I don't think you've done that and that's why you find yourself constantly catering to the whims of your W. Stop.

I have finally drawn my line in the "quik-crete" (quick dry cement) today and stepped over it. My W conned me into taking care of a work appointment for her b/c she needed to run some of her loan doc paperwork around this morning which prevented her from keeping her appointment with a vendor. I pitched in, as I always do, to cover for her. Well, I arrive to drop our children off at the babysitter's house (which is across the street from her house) and I see a car in front of her house that I don't recognize. Unfortunately, my D needs to go into the house to get a pair of socks. My D wants me to go in with her, but I decline sensing that the car in front of her house belongs to OM. I stay out front and tell my D, please, just go in and grab your socks and come RIGHT back to me. Well, being 5, she is trying to find mommy. She finds mommy's door locked (thank goodness).

I hear the walkthrough door to the garage open and close and then my D comes back out front through the side gate. I walk with my D to the babysitter's house and I see my W through the fence slats smoking. She says nothing to me, of course. My C told me that I know what I know about her life b/c she wants me to know and is expert (she thinks) at getting to my feelings. My W knew I was going to drop off our children this morning and has a two-car garage. OM's car was outside for me to see, I do believe. SHE is not a stupid woman. She is cold and calculated when it comes to me.

I make it to her appointment and I am seething. Another lie! Another bit of using me because she places no value on me as a person nor consesequently on my time or my feelings. THAT is why I finally drew my permanent line in the cement, rather than in the sand. We are going to build a new marriage or we are simply gointg to bury our old disfunctional one? Either way, all of us are moving forward.

What you did was wrong

I know this and I have never said otherwise.

The fact is, it happened and you came back to your W.

Yes, I have, at least as far as she will allow me to "do for" her.

So, please, give up the martyr attitude and, well, grow a pair when it comes to your W. Honestly, she doesn't respect you and until you learn to get that respect, she'll continue walking over you.

I have taken my pair off of her mantle and re-claimed them after covering for her for the appointment this morning. My D5 was whining that she wanted to stay with her mommy tonight (my night). I told my W that I realized that she had plans with OM tonight and that D5 staying would put a crimp in her plans. She said that D5 would simply have to go out with her and OM. I told my W, absolutely not. I reminded my with that our agreement was the D5 and OM were to have NO further contact until further in the future. My W said she knewo this. I reminded her that she knew this before and I found out she broke that agreement from our D5!!! I told her that I hate surprises! I reminded her that when SHE decided to re-introduce our D and OM again, that she was to discuss her plans with me first, as I am D's father. W agreed, but I still have zero trust in her judgment and decision making ability right now. She is all about herself, not anyone else, including our children.

This evening I told my W that I would have our children back to her on Sunday at 5:00 PM. I told her, do not call me and tell me that you need for me to bring them back later because I will NOT be answering my cell phone. I will simply be there at 5:00 PM. She says she will be at the house and says that she may even want them back earlier on Sunday. I tell her, they will NOT be back before 5:00 on Sunday, they will be back AT 5:00 PM. She says if you want to be that inflexible. I tell her that I am simply responding to her behavior and that our schedule will be that rigid going forward. I do tell her that D5 will call her each evening to say goodnight and drive away.

My D calms down and tells me later that she is happy that she came with daddy. Honestly, D only wanted to stay over at the babysitter's overnight to play with the niece, which my W has a penchant for doing. My D desperately misses her mother, but W is off in lala land chasing "me" time and neglecting the nurturing of her R with out D because she is focused on her own narcissistic self. I feel so bad for our D, but I also realize I am not in the mother-daughter R fixing business and simply speak of my W in a positive light to our D and assure D that mommy loves her and wants to spend time with her. I don't know that mommy does want to spend time wtih D5, but I hope my words are re-assuring to our D. What I do is really try to compensate for my W's lack of focus on and nurturing of our D by focusing and nurturing her with extra helpings of patience, love, conversation, and understanding.

The fact of the matter is, and this is something you have to come to terms with, demanding respect may very well indeed end your marriage, simply because it sounds to me (from reading your description of her) as though your W is used to getting her way.

She is used to getting her way, in ALL aspects of her life, not just her M. She simply vaporizes those who will not get on the W bandwagon and cheerlead her behavior and choices. Well, I am no longer willing to be on the W bandwagon, no longer willing to cheerlead her behavior and choices, and no longer willing to be her apologist.

I don't know what life was like with you two before this mess, but if she was anything like she is now, you may have a problem.

She was like this before, but only to a lesser degree and much more secretive. We do have a problem, but I know that I only have control over one person, me, and that I have the ability to (and will) change the circular nature of our interactions/conversations by exerting my will to make changes in a gently assertive way. Things are going to change. I am making the choice to change OR, only she is not fully aware of the implications. She will be soon though.

The best thing for you to do, is to respect yourself, stand your ground when it comes to her tirades and demands and see where the chips fall.

THAT is my plan. I have been sitting on my block of ice from being kicked in the nuts so often in my sitch. The ice block is gone, as is the numbness it provided and I realize that although my A was wrong, I have done what I can to atone for my mistake and to make amends to her. I have asked for her forgiveness and promised that I will not repeat this behavior. I have made myself available to restore and reconcile our M. I have cared for our children and gone out of my way to show her that I do love her. She knows where I stand. She has made her stance clear. NOW it is time to take care of me and our children and lovingly care for her from a distance. I am lovingly detached. I willingly let her go. I have not given up hope for our marital restoration and reconciliation (R&R), but realize that my C is correct, we have NO hope for R&R if she is unwilling/unable to see what she needs to work on and is unwilling/unable to meke the necessary changes. So, I work on me and pray that God guides me to be the man the He always intended for me to be.

Interesting note: Today I went to lunch with a friend/vendor. My W calls me to tell me that an automobile caught fire behind one of the buildings we manage and that the fire department is there waiting and that I need to go and take picutes and talk with them.

I tell my W, well, that means I have to get up from the restaurant table I just sat down to for lunch, but that's OK, I'm on my way. My W then inquires, who are you having lunch with? I tell her again. She asks me two more times and I simply tell her a friend. My W gets that response b/c that is what she always tells me whether she has a date with OM or a GF. It pisses her off and she always responds with, "You're dating someone and you will NEVER tell me, will you?" I've stopped answering that question. No matter how many times I say no, I believe she uses her belief to assuage her feelings about what SHE is doing. I usually end up telling her the next day who I was with. But regardless, I am puzzled by her insistence in asking me about my life when she has been consistent in telling me that her personal life is none of my business and per private time is her private time. So, tell me, would it be better to continue to tell her the truth that I am NOT dating (or looking to date) anyone, as I have told her repeatedly? Would it be better to tell her this immediately when she asks? Or is it better handling it the way I am handling it now? The only reason I don't immediately answer her with my boring details is that I feel doing that is just more of the same. I don't know. Please give me your perspective. Thanks.