Need Help Staying on my Feet, Part 5

[Still_Standing]

My W told me this before I cheated on her: that I am the only person who truly knows and accepts her for who she is and she believed that no matter how badly she treated me, that I would NEVER leave.

Ok, I had to go WAY back to the first few posts in your original thread to figure out if your sitch was the one where the W was constantly threatening D all the time, even before all this... sadly it is. Wow. Put that together with this quote and, well, it doesn't look good.

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You're telling me?!?! I know my DB/DR efforts are a long shot to succeed at best. If I were a betting person, I wouldn't be betting on us to reconcile, but I still have hope and my belief in miracles.

I just want Amy and other "long-timers" with HH to remember that his W has used the threat of divorce to keep him off balance their entire marriage (according to HH's early posts) and she seems to have a VERY strong penchant for trying to manipulate him into doing just what she wants. Her main tool for this is to somehow make him feel like he's never doing enough and that she's always on the verge of leaving.

Sadly true.

HH, this quote you posted disturbed me to say the least. I think this is one of those things a lot of people THINK but to actually say it out loud, wow.

Cut me to the core. And yet I still haven't run for good. I am a glutton for punishment and emotional pain with my W, apparently.

I think one of the major underlying things in your sitch seems to be the fact that for SO long your R with W has been based on what you did for her, not who your were around her, or at least you THINK that's the way it was.

Let me tell you a short story of when we first started dating. My W would go to her mother's weekly to wash clothes and wash her car. I went with her once around our second date. She was going to wash her car and I offered to do it for her while she tended to her laundry. I washed the car. She came out, said nothing, pulled out the bucket and hose and re-washed her car right in front of me without saying a word. And I didn't run then either. I was too busy TEACHING her how to treat me. Lookig back, and living in the world of SHOULD.... Ugh. But then again, I'd take 10 times the headaches and heartaches to have my two angels. Of course, I'd rather be loved for being me. But that is either another story or another chapter in my life. Only time will tell.

Now, at each turn, your guilt over what you did, which, BTW, in the very beginning hearing how your W treated you I was VERY close (sorry, I KNOW this is wrong) to excusing your actions (but I didn't... because there is never an excuse)... anyway, I see your guilt/history with W making you feel like you have to continue your "doing for her" in order to get your M back. I actually think you are right. I know in my M this is somewhat the case too but you know what? You only have to "do" for her if you want the OLD marriage back.

I hear you. I DO NOT want my old M back. My old M was/is simply a recipe for disaster. I, she, and our children deserve better.

If you want a new one, you have to accept that it can't be based on duty but rather love and mutual respect, a respect that at this point I suspect neither of you has much of for different reasons.

True, true.

I wonder if that respect ever existed. If not, I can see how hard it may be to build on something that is nonexistent. I struggle with this in my sitch too.

In looking back, I wonder if respect ever existed also. Respect certainly wasn't shown much by her, and I suspect by me either. Certainly makes our battle to reconcile that much more uphill.

So when Amy gets upset at you for things like picking up dry-cleaning, I think it's because she notices the overall tone of your sitch and the fact that your W, if given the opportunity AT THIS POINT, will choose to feed off you (your emotions/duty) until your carcass is dry and then she'll let you blow away in the wind.

I am finally seeing this trait in her (and in my willingness to allow it).

I don't think there is no hope...

I share that sentiment. I cling to my shred of hope for a miracle. Unfortunately, my MORE OF THE SAME behavior towards my W is slowly but surely choking my shred of hope out of my M.

...but it's painfully obvious that the dynamic that HAS to change in your R with your W is still present today and that is her perceived control over you. If you can change that dynamic, the same one that I think did severe damage to your M in the first place, then I think you can begin to see if there is something real to build a new future on.

And here we are. I know this dynamic certainly led to the deterioration of our M. I know that changing this dynamic is THE key to building a new future together. I am willing to do this. She is not.

HH, I know you are already working towards these goals but I really think you need to once again look at your marriage BEFORE the affair and start to understand that as you originally suspected, your W was looking for a way out. She THOUGHT you gave her that but is still hanging around. Once you remove your "helping" her from the equation, and she still hangs around, THEN you can start to rebuild. If you remove your "helping", or rather her control over you, and she sees no more value in you or the R, well then...

Then I will be released from her spell over me and I will be able to move forward with a clear conscience that I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to make amends, to atone for my mistake, to attempt to restore and reconcile my M. I am, at least now, clear that I very much want NOT need my W and M.

I feel like I am not being very positive but reading some of those first posts made me not like your W very much right now. Sorry for that. I know sometimes you may not want to hear that. I'm sure she has great qualities but as I recently posted, often we only see the dark side of the "spouses" on this board and it's her dark side I am reacting to today.

I also am deeply affected by her most recent behavior and choices, which I truly believe is driven by her her hurt, anger, disappointment and feelings of betrayal, as well as her own baggage which she brought into our M. Or is this simply my being an apologist for my W, which I seem to be expert in being? I don't know. I am simply trying to save my M.