Okay HH....I've been away from posting mode on the boards for a little while but I have been following your sitch pretty closely. I can't say anymore than what GH and Amy and Kaydeekay have told you, but I'm gonna at least back them up on this one.

First and foremost, GH is absolutely correct. The dynamic that MUST change in your R is that you have to stop being her doormat....and one of the ways that you must acheive that is to forgive yourself for your indiscretion. I don't think you've done that and that's why you find yourself constantly catering to the whims of your W. Stop. What you did was wrong....yes. I did the same thing in my R as well and I felt like sh*t to say the least for a long time. The fact is, it happened and you came back to your W. I don't know the subsequent history of what happened, but I know speaking for myself, I spend two years attempting to rebuild what I had torn down. And I thought I had things sewed up for the most part....until my W met OM. At the beginning of this ordeal, I blamed myself quite a bit until I realized that I couldn't changed what happened and I couldn't continue feeling guilty. My W made a choice to involve herself with someone else, just as I had. Did my A cause her A? Not sure. Do I care? Not really because right now, all of that is irrelevent. What is relevant is what I am going to do to save my marriage for the future...

So, please, give up the martyr attitude and, well, grow a pair when it comes to your W. Honestly, she doesn't respect you and until you learn to get that respect, she'll continue walking over you.

The fact of the matter is, and this is something you have to come to terms with, demanding respect may very well indeed end your marriage, simply because it sounds to me (from reading your description of her) as though your W is used to getting her way. I don't know what life was like with you two before this mess, but if she was anything like she is now, you may have a problem.

The best thing for you to do, is to respect yourself, stand your ground when it comes to her tirades and demands and see where the chips fall.

"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu