Need Help Staying on my Feet, Part 5

[Still_Standing]

Thank you for deciding to post. Obviously I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with my W and setting appropriate boundaries due to my indescretion and my horribly inescapable guilt. Apparently I haven't finished blaming and punishing myself for my cowardly and selfish behavior.

From what I've read, you let your wife walk all over you.

Sad, but true. I am trying to stop my incessantly personally destructive behavior when I interact wtih my W. But, as my sister says, trying is LYING! I am working on it and with each backsliding interaction I am pissing off the people who are trying to help me change my behavior and better my sitch.

I know how it feels because I was in the same situation as you with my husband. I too was being treated as a doormat but I refused to be treated like one now.

I am sorry to hear that we have that in common. I look forward to changing my behavior with my W and refusing to be treated like a doormat anymore. In the end, yesterday was a start. Today was another step in that direction. For me, I have to get there one babystep at a time. Most people who know me and my sitch are watching me and shaking there heads. I understand that, but I am doing the best that I can; a little at a time, but I AM getting there. My W is leaving me with NO choice for my own self preservation. I am asking that those who care about me and my sitch please continue giving me your encouragement and patience.

When your wife asks for a "favor" ask her if it's regarding the kids, and if it is then ask her what the favor is then give her an answer. If she says it's not about the kids, tell her that you can't do anymore favors for her.

I WILL begin doing this starting right now. If it is not concerning our children or work, I will tell her that I am UNWILLING to do personal favors for her anymore.

"I bet you wanna go to lunch with me, huh?" I said flatly, nope. Have field work I gotta do. She persisted, "I know you want to go to lunch with me, huh?" Again, I declined.

Okay, when I read this statement, it told me that wife is so full of herself right now. She thinks she has you wrapped around her little finger.

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Yes, my W is full of herself right now as she is out fulfilling her marriage-long fantasy (my belief from watching her behavior now and before) of being single and being able to go out flirting, dating and chasing male attention 'til her hearts content. Also, she does believe that she has me wrapped around her finger and I have done VERY LITTLE to dissuade her from believing just that.

I don't think it's so much as flirting with you (and I hope I'm wrong) but I think she is just pulling your strings (her being the puppet master and you being the puppet). She sees you flirt back, maybe gets a little rush, and then I bet she turns cold. It's almost like a little fix for her...she wants to see if you are still there for her to get a little ego boost.

Close, she flirts with me also for a little bit first, THEN goes cold as she snaps back to her "divorce game plan." I am positive that it is a "fix" for her b/c male attention (yes, even mine, unfortunately) is her ego boost/fix. Plus,she does want to know that I am there for her, regardless of how sh*tty she treats me. Even while holding onto her unshakeable belief that D is the ONLY path for her, she has regularly accused me of "seeing" someone, even though SHE is still the one out dating. Perhaps her accusations of me dating are to help her assuage her own guilt for what she is engaging in now. But then again, that would mean that she has a conscience right now about her behavior and I truly think she has taken a vacation from her conscience. Again,

My W told me this before I cheated on her: that I am the only person who truly knows and accpets her for who she is and she believed that no matter how badly she treated me, that I would NEVER leave. I believe this is where a lot of her anger from my betrayal is derived from, her shock and disappointment in me AND in her being so wrong in her belief that I had an endless capacity for her poor treatment of me. No excuse for what I did, I know, but I have realized that we BOTH contributed equally to the deterioration of our M. My C told me that my M has NO hope of restoration and reconciliation if my W refuses to look at her own "stuff" and does not decide to make changes. I am working diligently to clean up my side of the fence. I am hopeful she will do the same on her side, as I am unable to help her there.

I've also noticed that when you do stand your ground with your wife she flies off the handle and starts cursing you and calling you every name in the book. She's throwing a tantrum. Walk away, or hang up on her if she does this to you over the phone.

I will do this also. I have refused to join in on her tantrums and invitations to fight. THAT seems to infuriate her even more. My C told me that the more I detach emotionally, the more she will try to drag me back to familiar territory.

What I've learned and I'm sure you know this too, we can't change others, we can only change ourselves.

I have learned that. Heck, changing me is certainly difficult and time consuming enough.

Take care

I'll certainly work on that. I have my children all weekend to keep me occupied and happy. Plus, our string of 100+ degree days is over as of today. Almost 2 weeks.

Thank you for posting. Please continue posting on my saga as you see fit. Your perspective was VERY helpful to help me see my sitch from yet another angle and to help me work through my sitch yet again in my own head. I'm gettin' there. It is becoming more clear each day that MY way is the surest way to slowly but surely choke the remaining faint breath of life out of my M.

People, please don't give up on me just yet. I know it doesn't look like it, but I am making progress in my own head first so that I can make progress in my sitch. Again, I AM gettin' there. I desperately want to DB/DR my M and restore/rebuild my family unit to a happy, healthy, whole one!