Need Help Staying on my Feet, Part 5

[Still_Standing]

more journaling- 7/26/06---->Amy, Frank, and GH, pull out the scalpels, a lot of stuff to disect. Help!!

Backsliding again, then standing up for myself. Here it goes.... My W asked me to run an errand w/ her during work. I said sure. We went and all was fine. When we got back she wanted to go to lunch with some officemates and wanted me to stay in the office to cover lunch and I told her that I had field work that I needed to do so I couldn't stay in the office to cover. I was soon being invited to go to lunch with everyone (by them, not her) and my W said to me, "I bet you wanna go to lunch with me, huh?" I said flatly, nope. Have field work I gotta do. She persisted, "I know you want to go to lunch with me, huh?" Again, I declined. When I relatled this story to a friend, I was asked, is she flirting with you? My response was, I don't think so, but my MIL thinks we flirt with e/o ALL THE TIME. I will admit, I do flirt with her all the time, but if she flirts with me I don't see it. But then again, I am often told that a lot of women flirt with me, and I don't see it. My W used to tell me this all the time, that I am dense and blind in that way.<shrug>

Anyway, fast forward to later. My W calls me to tell me that she has a signing tonight and wants to know if I will watch our children on her night for a little while. I tell her I will take them to my place and bring them back in the morning. She is upset at that and cajoles me into watching them at her house until she gets back. I tell her that I am extremely wary of her regularly being VERY late when I am with our children b/c of her signings. I do, in the end, agree to keep them at her house until she arrives. Later I receive a call when she is on her way back telling me that she is still not feeling well (she told me this earlier) and asks me if I will switch nights being with our children and take our children to my place tonight b/c she wants to come home and go straight to bed and then she will have them on my night (tomorrow). I tell her no, I am not willing to switch nights. I am perfectly willing and capable of being with our children tonight and tomorrow (MY) night. She is now pissed. She says well then you would have them tonight, tomorrow night and all weekend. Do you not want me to see my children ever? I tell her that I did not say that. I just wasn't willing to switch nights with her. I've told her this several times before tonight, but his is the first time I was standingmy ground. She then starts calling me choice (swearing) names and tells me that she will be home in 10 minutes and wants me out of the house as soon as she gets there.

I call her back in a minute to tell her that I will need to return shortly after leaving b/c our D5 lost one of her front teeth and I want to leave some $1 bills in the garage to leave D5 from the tooth fairy. I also ask her if she has calmed down and she lets me know that I am a different bunch of choice names.

Lo and behold, I see our mutual friend drive up. This friend does not drive up out of the blue. My W had plans to go out to dinner with our friend tonight, NOT to come home and go straight to bed, as she would have me believe. Hmmm...interesting sh*t that I don't think I was supposed to see, as my W was working feverishly to get me to take our children to my place so she could "rest and feel better." Ooops. Anyway, I talk to our friend for a bit and my W is giving me the death stare to get the F out of her house. She also tells me that I need to clean up the mess that I made in hesr house. I told her that all I did was make a pizza and used paper plates which I had already cleaned up and I would have cleaned up the rest, but she was pissed at me so I was trying to get out of her house ASAP. She began a new round of choice names and I told her, look, I don't want to fight with you, to which she responed with yet another choice round of names. I simply said, coming from you right now, I'll take that as a compliment. Good night. I left, saying goodnight to our friend and our children.

No judgements here, but I am at a loss as to how my W can tell me with a straight face that she misses our children and wants to be with them and in the same breath lies to me about wanting me to take them with me tonight because she needs to go to bed, knowing she has already made dinner plans with a friend. Honestly, I am having trouble getting my arms around this. A friend of mine told me again tonight, she is showing you clearly that she doesn't give a sh*t about you and you just haven't wanted to see it, but now you are forced to look at it b/c your nose is being rubbed in it day in and day out and you have never wanted to look at this or admit it is the truth in your M. <I throw myself on the ground kicking and screaming shouting, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!> Crap, he is right I don't want to look at this or admit this is true about my M. I am hating this reality.

I related a story to my C today regarding my MIL coming to me and saying, "Well, your M has never been good." Instantly, I wanted to take that big sack of sh*t, sling it over my shoulder and carry that load on my back, stink and all. I wanted to take full responsibility for the deterioration of my M. That is certainly my guilt run amok. Still having trouble shedding layer after layer of that d*mn cloak I still choose to wear. My C said, quite simply, you are both responsible 50% each for the deterioration of your M or VERY close to that number. I am a strong believer in those numbers as being our reality, but my W insists that I was responsible fo r99% of our problems and she was mayabe responbible for 1%. Nice, don'tcha think? I clearly have an uphill battle, but I am IN the battle and am NOT giving up for the foreseeable future. I want my W, my M, and my family back. But my C made a very clear point. I have NO chance of achieving success in saving my M if my W refuses to work on making changes in herself. I truly see her as being lost and running from her reality. I hope and pray she will take an honest inventory of herself and work on making changes that she is able to identify, as I pray that God touches me each day to open my mind and heart to the path that will lead me towards being the man the He always intended me to be. I work on myself daily, and I am fortunate enough to have befriended wonderful people here kind enough to peel my eyelids open so that I will see myself and my behavior clearly.

When she left the office in the PM to do her signing my W called back to ask me to do a favor. I said I probably would and asked her what she needed. She told me that she needed for me to pick up (& pay for) her dry cleaning before I picked up our children. She could tell I was hesitating, and I explained that I needed to explain the impact of her "needs" on me when she expects me to fulfull her requests (demands). I told her that she was asking me to leave work early AND get to our children late. Those impositions and challenges did not matter to her, because they belonged to me, NOT her. And besides, I had always catered to her requests/demands and wants/needs before, so why not NOW also? Well, I've finally come to the realization that more of the same is slowly choking the little remaining life out of our gasping M, and I am now willing to do something different! Regardless, she listened and remained focues on what SHE needed. She suggested that I could write my child support for the normal amount less the drycleaning charges.

Anyway, I did leave 10 ninutes early and made it to my children less than 5 minutes late. It's wackiness like this that is going to get me a ticket or into another accident.

Now, the sh*tstorm is rapidly approaching as the call comes just before she is due back at the house. I held firm, determined to stop being her "beck and call" and being her YES boy. I was NOT nasty or mean, I simply firmly said no and stuck to it. Now, THAT is not doing more of the same! But of course, that drew a tirade of choice name calling and venom that I haven't witnessed in quite some time. But again, all I had to do was say NO, mean NO, and stand my ground without getting angry. I think her inability to engage me in a fight or to elicit a tirade from me pisses her off more than anything. My C said that the more I detach from her emotionally, the more she will try to "hook" me back into what is familiar territory, either through anger or through flirting/niceties. I don't know, I just know that her emotions are all over the board and the only way I can reasonably expect some certainty in her behavior is if I "serve" her, as in, be her servant.

I am clear on this point. I don't want the relationship back to have peace only by "serving" her. I love doing for her, but not being her servant with service expectations! I have wants and needs also, and I am done ignoring them to my own detriment and unhappiness. I have already found out that being my W's footstool is not a workaable R. I was unhappy and afraid before and those feelings allowed me to make my stupid and cowardly decision to perpetuate sh*tty couple behavior patterns in our M for far too long to both of our unhappiness that unfortunately became the norm. I am unwilling to settle for unhappiness as the norm. I deserve happiness as the norm, as does my W and our children. I will approach my DB/DR efforts with grace and humility and without any expectations except to be treated with respect.

It's so strange how a day, which started out going reasonably well, ended up in such a mess. I am anxious to see what tomorrow brings between us b/c we will see e/o at work tomorrow and she will need my assistance with a few things like she does every day. I will be telling myself now, and will continue telling myself tomorrow, "Think calm! Think, then respond! Act "As If! Think patience, love and understanding!"

For those of you who pray, please pray for my and my W's calm and patience tomorrow. My feeling is that we are going to need it! For those of you who don't pray, please send us your positive mental energy. Thank you for listening.